| Here's an update for you guys...
I wish I could say that everything is hunky-dorry, but alas, it's not. I thought, for a while, that I had come to terms with a lot of the things that were bugging me about our relationship, but I was just kidding myself.
In reference to what you wrote Nurseman, not everything is peachy aside from the sexual aspect. He has always been very inconsiderate of my feelings. He used to spend all of his free time on the computer and not coming to bed until practically midnight, not helping me around the house or spending any time with me what so ever. He has gotten better about it. It's not quite what I would like it to be considering he still spends more time on is computer than with me, but you gotta start somewhere. Like I said, I acknowledge that he is getting better about it. There's other stuff that I won't get in to. As for the question you said I should ask myself... am I happy with this guy? Unfortunately, I can't give a plain yes or no. At times, I am the happiest I have ever been. I live for those moments... when he simply turns off his PC, comes to sit next to me on the couch to watch tv, and then we go to bed 'together'. I love that! But it never lasts, and he reverts to his old habits. It drives me insane!! I try to overlook it, not let it get to me, not say anything to him to kep the peace. But all it does is eat away at me, ****ing with my head, and I am miserable. But what am I supposed to do? I love him. I don't want to lose him. So I just shut down. This is not healthy either for our relationship or myself, but like I said, what am I supposed to do?
Anyway, back to the original point of this thread...
Our sex life remains the same but for a slight change. We still have sex about once a week if I'm lucky. I am sad to report that there have been many times that I have come on to him, trying to get him in the mood (after a week of no action), and he actually practically "pushed me off of him". Literally! Then he said, " I don't want to. Maybe later." Does anyone have an idea of how devastating that is? It put a huge dent in my self-esteem. The really sad part is what I realized last night. Remember what I said about how I bottle shit up and then it ****s with my head. Well, last night I realized something that has me worried. We went to bed kind of late cause we were watching a movie. I was kind of in the mood and I wanted to have sex, but he was talking about something and smoking a cig so I decided to wait until he was done. When he was finished and I felt it was time to make my move... I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I was actually afraid to. I was worried that he was going to reject me, so I just didn't do anything. Luckily for me, it had been a while since the last time, so he made a move and we had sex, but that got me thinking. I tried to remember the last time I initiated and I couldn't think of it. It's like all the rejections have taken their toll on me. I no longer feel the desire for sex like I used to. And it sucks! I mentioned my fear to him and all he did was hold me and say "Aw, honey." And that was it! Oi!
I need some advice here people. I love him and I want us to work. But sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a one-sided, losing battle. Am I selling myself short? Is there hope for us and my sanity? I'm not going to leave him no matter what, but I just need something to hold on to. A life-line, so to speak.
Cheer me up somebody!!
__________________
...it is only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything...
...we are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world... | 
Linear Mode
