Help! Help ! Help!

[cola_boy]

Okay, I am in love with this girl who recently started living with me over time, I have fallen in love with her. She has expressed feelings for me too and considers herself my girlfriend now. This is is problem: Being an affectionate person, I want to kiss her on the lips at times, but she insists that kissing=sex or will lead to sex...infact she will not even allow hugging or other close physical show of love, she will only allow me to kiss her on the cheeks....I keep telling her that my intentions of kissing her are not to have sex but merely a show of affection, but she is insistent on this....is this a matter of trust ? what can I do to kiss the girl I love??

[Zekk_T_Strife]

That sounds very weird. Are you the first person she's been close with like this? Or maybe she was close with someone in the past and got hurt and/or used? These could be a couple reasons why she's not comfortable with close physical contact. Or maybe she's just really self-conscious. It might not be a trust issue with you but she may not trust herself. She may believe that if you start to kiss it'll only get greater and greater until it does equal sex, she might be scared of losing control. The only advice I can give you is to keep expressing your love to her while still keeping within her limits. Don't push her or ask her to do anything she doesn't want to. When she's ready she'll let you know.

[Illusional]

yeah i would agree, this is a hard situation. being she is the uncomfortable one, you're gonna have to move at her speed. try as you might that you want to kiss her, you're gonna have to refrain from it. i know it's hard but i also know that you care for her and you can do it. raverboy

[Killerbabe]

Yeah, I agree with Zekk and Illusional, some girls face serious problems with physical contact due to past experiences...it's hard to open up and show your affection to someone if you've been previously used or had bad experience.

For instance, my exboyfriend used to think that kissing for too long would gradually turn into wild making out and then sex. Additionally, many girls say that if a guy gets a stiffie while kissing a girl that means he just wants her and is mainly motivated by a sexual desire rather than a show of affection. As w all know it's not true and there are different kind of kisses, of course, but it's quite complicated to explain, so just be patient. She'll apreciate it. And she'll come to uniderstand that on her own.

[ViSionS]

Another thing that you might want to consider, or at least be aware that it is a posibilty she might have been sexually abused as a child, or possibly even raped or sexually assaulted as an adult. I'm not saying this is the case, but that kind of behaviour could be an indication that she went through a bad enough experience in her life that she is fearful of intimate contact. But like everyone else has said, it could be that she has had a run of bad luck with guys who played games with her to get her in the sac or whatever the case may be. It's unfortunate, but there are a lot of guys out there that will do what ever they can no matter how much it will hurt the other person just to get laid. I wouldn't bring any of this up to her, because it could offend her, expecially if it's not true. I think the best, and most ethical way to earn her trust is to just respect her, and her space and wait until she is comfortable with you. If she never comes around, then just remember it's probably got nothing to do with you as a person. It's probably a hang up she has for some reason and pressing the issue will surely just push her away. If she see's you respect her, she will begin to trust you and probably open up to you on her own. If she doesn't then whatever hangup she has, is much greater than her desire to share an intimate relationship and there is realy nothing you can do about that, but let's hope that's not the case.

ViSionS

P.S. May I ask how old you and your girlfriend are?

[cola_boy]

She's 24, I'm 32 ! yes shocking isn't it!

[ViSionS]

Wow, this is a twist on things, I am now even more convinced that it has something to do in her past. Some kind of extreme pain she went through that she associates with men. At her age, she should be getting close to hitting her sexual peak which tells me there is something going on more than what she is leading you to beleive. Just reassure her that you you respect her, cherish her, and care about her a lot, but at the same time find other ways to do it that doesn't involve intimate contact until she is good and ready. Giving her her space when she need's/want's it and not showing that you are insecure (that is if she's not playing a game with you which I doubt is the case here) can be a powerful way to express that you love and respect her, and want no harm to come to her. Ladies, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on this, but in my experience, women need a lot of respect, loyalty, honesty, and to be cherished, among other things like security and good sex (snicker(, but I think those are the top four. As long as you give her those things, one of two things will probably happen, either she will come around and start to trust you, or if she is so screwed up about what has happened to her, whatever that may be, she will see it as another ploy to hurt her. If the latter is the case, you might want to find someone who either doesn't have the baggage, or who has learned to deal with it in a positive way. ( I hate to say matured more, because I know the average age group is under the age of 23, but I don't believe maturity has anything to do with age, but rather experience) Anyway, keep us posted on how this goes, I am interested in weather or not anything I have said works with this relationship. I can only say it has worked for me in the past.

And nice to meet ya cola_boy, it's cool to have someone closer to my age around here. I've been a lurker here for a few months, but just started posting a few days ago, the regulars here all seem to know what they are talking about, and for the most part seem like decent people.

[shafkore]

Is she super-religious ? Does she need marriage before sex ? Maybe she feels she can't control HERSELF. Once she starts to kiss, maybe she is scared she may want sex ?

Chafie