my girlfriend is scared - Love Forum

dazedinlove · #1 (**permalink**) 22-10-05, 11:30 AM

well we are both in our mid 20's We have been in a 2 year on and off relationship but this time we decided to be stedy.

Here is what she told me today

her: i am not saying i want to break up, but what i am saying the intensity of it scares me....its like it is so intense now that it can die out fast.
me: i dont agree
her: ok
her: maybe it is just me
me: i need to know how u feel about me
her: you know i love you

abit down the disscussion

me: i love you
her: i love you too.
her: im just scared and have to go
her: will be back in 30 minutes
me: I want to have you feel comfortable, I just need to know how
her: i know baby,
her: its not that i dont feel comfortable, i just wanted to talk
her: you always said that if i feel anything then i should tell you
her: and i did
me: you know we can talk when ever you like
her: i know, i will be back in bit
me: ok
me: i love you
her: i love you too

i dont know what i should do. I know i amm her first and only real love even though she has a daughter. please help

funkybuddha · #2 (**permalink**) 22-10-05, 07:38 PM

Hmm...you can crank the relationship down a notch and treat it more casually. Just revert back to the basics again..Don't be calling all the time, don't sound too needy, give her some space, let her call..etc etc.... OR....dump her. Your choice

shh! · #3 (**permalink**) 22-10-05, 09:18 PM

You say you are off-and-on-again? I say this is looking shaky. Don't be a cling-on and keep your passion in check; give her some distance or she may bolt.

On the other hand, IF it is true that she is becoming disenchanted with you, I'm not sure it is in your best interest to artificially pump life back into a dead relationship since you aren't married. Some things are just not meant to be, and there is no point in trying to force it. It is probably a bit early to be able to say if you are in this category.

Rosebud · #4 (**permalink**) 23-10-05, 03:35 AM

I think the best thing tis to keep an open mind on all of this. It sounds as though the serious commitment part really scares her and she may feel things are moving really fast and she's not sure if she's ready to settle down. She also has to think of her daughter as well and that could very well be the contributing factor in this. I would just keep talking with her and find out what's going on in her head without sounding as though your begging for her to stay even though you want to. Just ge tthings out in the open and ask her what she wants, or what she expects out of your relationship.

whaywardj · #5 (**permalink**) 23-10-05, 03:43 AM

All the foregoing and: Do or say NOTHING which causes her to feel uncomfortable or stressed, however important it may seem to you to do otherwise. Sometimes, for a time, saying or conveying anything at all like "I love you" more than just ONCE is perceived as a threat.

CircleC · #6 (**permalink**) 23-10-05, 04:01 AM

If I was in your shoes, I would have to remind myself to think well before I spoke. You know that she is "thinking" about things and there is a chance she could end up telling you anything. She wants to split, she wants to stay together, etc...Just make sure you don't react to what she says. Think about what she says first, let it sink in, try to understand her point. Then react to your thoughts and speak if you need to. You might already be good at this. Either way, it will help you take the high ground and not sink down if you get crappy news.

Taranee · #7 (**permalink**) 23-10-05, 05:31 AM

Quote:

...what i am saying the intensity of it scares me....its like it is so intense now that it can die out fast.

Sorry but when I read the above quote I had to laugh. I myself like taking things at a slow pace. I usually give this advice to my friends. Because I know that if you eat your entire plate all at once. You will no longer be hungry and you will push the plate away from you. It's kinda the same thing with love. BUT. In this case you both have been in a 2 years on/off relationship!! So if it would have died out fast, I reckon it would've died and been buried a year and a half ago.

Of course, it's hard for any of us to really help you. Since we don't know what her problem really is. You mentioned her having a daughter. I think that perhaps she's just being extra careful. Maybe she doesn't want to get to attached and brokenhearted when things go wrong. I think she's afraid of that.

I know it's difficult but hang it there!!

blackiesharley · #8 (**permalink**) 23-10-05, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funkybuddha

Hmm...you can crank the relationship down a notch and treat it more casually. Just revert back to the basics again..Don't be calling all the time, don't sound too needy, give her some space, let her call..etc etc.... OR....dump her. Your choice

Exactly what I'd do. ratchet it down a notch, hard as it may be but give her SPACE. Let her digest her feelings. Worked like a charm for me on several occassions.

Also, remember that the kid is a major factor, something I'm getting used to myself for the first time. It might help you to read two other threads here on this topic, you'll have to search for them but one (mine) is titled 'Sex & dayting, how long to wait?' and the other is by Bluevetteracer titled 'Dating a woman with a child.' Lot's of good advice and insight from other posters there.