Insecure in a secure relationship...

[Only-virgins]

You don't need therapy. You just need to relax.

[Mishanya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zabcz

That said, I am a very insecure person and because of this I sometimes get insecure about our relationship for no reason at all. Even when our relationship and our sex life is going extremely well, I randomly get insecure about things. I start to think about her cheating on me - for no reason - and I get very upset. Even though inside I know that she isn't, thoughts just flood my head. Sometimes I get so worked up that I am visibly depressed and it affects our interactions. This will only last for a day but it's pointless and I feel like it's avoidable.

It's not just insecurity with regards to her cheating either. Sometimes it gets so bad that it's about sex too. There have been times that we've had sex and she's orgasmed 4, 5, 6, times... and I still feel inadequate when we're done.

I am my own self therapist. Which is probably not the best way to go about things, but none the less appears to work for me

I disagree, there is always a reason for insecurity.

I can see two issues 1. Trust 2. Self Esteem

In your case these two appear to be inter-related.

1. You don't trust her 100%.
2. You have a low self worth. Because of this you automatically assume that you are not good enough for her and she can do better than you, which leads you to (See number 1).

So i guess the real question here that will put you onto the right track is, what makes you so doubtful about yourself and your abillities?

Then next question is, what can you do yourself to make you have a better self worth and have more confidence in yourself and your abillities? Is it time for you to become that man that you see your partner leaving you for during those insecurity spells?

[zabcz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mishanya

So i guess the real question here that will put you onto the right track is, what makes you so doubtful about yourself and your abillities?

Then next question is, what can you do yourself to make you have a better self worth and have more confidence in yourself and your abillities? Is it time for you to become that man that you see your partner leaving you for during those insecurity spells?

Thank you all for your great replies. This really is helpful for me and I appreciate it very much.

There is no doubt that I have internal self-esteem issues - I always have - in many aspects of my life. I have always been very good at keeping these issues inside though and appearing very confident on the outside. As for the cause, I'm not quite sure. I always had plenty of friends, I come from a great home with no verbal or physical abuse, etc. I just never really had much confidence in any aspect of my life. I can't speak in public (but I can speak to a large crowd of friends), I'm a musician but I can't perform on stage and I even get very uncomfortable when people listen to things that I've recorded - even thought I know that I'm talented and they they love it (this has forced music to only be a hobby for me btw), etc...

In terms of the last sentence in the above quote, I don't know that I see her leaving me for any particular type of man (other than a more confident one I guess). What I can say is that when these random thoughts do come into my head, it usually (for whatever reason) involves an ex of hers. Not one in particular though, just "is she hanging out with an ex right now?" And it's not that I actually suspect that she is! Sometimes I'll think things like this even while I know she's at work or with her family or something. These thoughts just randomly pop into my head for no reason.

You hit the nail on the head in a way. My self-esteem issues are definately affecting my trust. I do trust her though. It's hard to explain but I'll try like this: Normally, trust in a relationship trust is affected by an SO's behavior - whether it be changes, peculiar actions, etc. For me, most of the time trust is being affected by THE THOUGHT of the aforementioned behavior. These things aren't actually happening but in my head I imagine "what if they do"
and it affects me almost the same way that it would if these things were actually happening... Does that make any kind of sense?

Perfect sense. A lot of people go through the exact same thing.