What is going on?? - Love Forum

Tears_of_Blood · #1 (**permalink**) 26-10-05, 07:52 AM

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I am very much in love with my man. But we are constantly bickering. And we end up giving eachother the silent treatment for long periods of time, up to over 24 hours at a time.

Our situation is quite special, I have given up and moved away from all my family and friends to be with him, and I know noone here. He does not have any contact with his family and he does not "care for friends" as they will only "eventually stab him in the back" and he "like being a loner and need noone." I haven't gotten a job yet, and I have been home now for 3 months with our dogs, renovating our house. (There are reasons why I can't get a job yet) He works nights and sleep all day, so we get at most 5 hours a day together which is mostly spent grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. He is not interested in doing anything or going places, leaving the house is a long drawn out process.

He does not seem happy or excited that we are getting married, I am expecting to see him yawn at the alter as I walk down the aisle. We are getting married back home at where my family and friends are at, and he haven't met any of them yet, he is really nervous about this, but despite my reassurings he still expect them to pretty much hate him, and that he will hate them.

He does not let me see him naked or touch his body as he think he is "fat", and the state in which his pants fit is determining whether or not he is going to his own wedding. We were so painfully drastically in love and now it's like his world is crumbling and I can not make him happy no matter what I do. He seems totally depressed complaining how he did not have all this shit to do before (wedding stuff) and how it gives him headaches and ruins his mornings when he comes home from work to find a bunch of shit to do before he can crawl into bed.
He doesn not want to talk about any of this, I ask him if he still want to marry me and he says yes, but its seems like he is just doing it now cause the catering is payed for and the guests have bought plane tickets.

So we end up fighting and then giving eachother the silent treatment. And I am ALWAYS the one backing down going in for the hug or kiss. He never does. Everytime I say that this time he will have to be the one seeking out to resolve this, but by now I am sure we would never talk again if I don't give in.

I will admit that sitting in the house for 3 months not talking to a soul is driving me crazy. I need to work and I will go apeshit if I have to do this anylonger. This most likely makes me easily "disurbed", but I still feel like I am justified to at least get some kinda....I don't know, romantic gestures of some sort based on the fact we are going to be newlyweds in 2 weeks, and right now we are acting like don't even like eachother!!

And I am just getting more and more worried about his ideas of friends, he has said right out that he can perfectly fine go through life without even one friend. I can't even imagine that!! And I even get the feeling that he gets irritated when I state I "need" friends. That he feels like he isn't enough or something....

And I know we used to be so good together. We both felt like we had found our soulmates, we used to write these long soulful and utterly loving letters and e-mails to eachother all the time. Now that we have moved in together it's like it's all gone. And there is nothing I can do to get him back. Get us back. I am so sad.

Advice? Ideas? Comments?

shh! · #2 (**permalink**) 26-10-05, 08:06 AM

I'd be worried about his attempts to isolate you. Are you SURE you want to marry him? Maybe you should consider postponing it until you are sure. The money isn't all that important in the end, and a marriage is about much more than the wedding day, so I wouldn't care if you eloped when the time is right...

Tears_of_Blood · #3 (**permalink**) 26-10-05, 08:09 AM

There are things at stake if we don't get married....like being able to be together at all. Cause I am not a US citizen, and we have the embassy interview and all that crap to go through. So if we don't get married we can't be together period. (Hence I can't get a job yet either) And I love him so much. And yet I am so confused...
I know money shouldn't matter...but there are thousands and thousands of dollars at stake here...flying back and forth to the other side of the world ain't cheap....
And I fought for this. WE fought for this SO hard. Most people are just waiting for me, us, to fail. There is too much at stake here to let go this easily.

Rosebud · #4 (**permalink**) 26-10-05, 09:30 AM

So why is it that you want to marry him right now? It sounds like things have changed a lot and not just recently prior to the wedding. Your about to getmarried you should be happy not worried and sad. I'm a little confused as to why you waited as long as what you have to try and figure out what to do about this.

mini696 · #5 (**permalink**) 26-10-05, 10:03 AM

It sounds like you have only few options...

Leave him, loose money, leave the US, and have only the possibility of getting back together.

or

Live (possibly) a lifetime of unhappiness with a man who has some very stange habits.

or

Marry him and divorce in a year so you can stay in the US.

Tears_of_Blood · #6 (**permalink**) 26-10-05, 11:26 AM

No, if we get divorced I will go back home. But I don't want to think about divorce at this point!! I just want to try and resolve this and save us.... I just need to try harder I guess..

updraft · #7 (**permalink**) 26-10-05, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tears_of_Blood

He does not seem happy or excited that we are getting married, I am expecting to see him yawn at the alter as I walk down the aisle.

Ummm.....why do you even want this man???? If any man acted this way to me I'd kick him to the curb. He sounds like a *yawn* boring depressive person who wants to drag you down with him. Sorry, telling it like I see it.

Chlorine · #8 (**permalink**) 28-10-05, 12:07 AM

Tears_of_blood----"I know money shouldn't matter...but there are thousands and thousands of dollars at stake here...flying back and forth to the other side of the world ain't cheap....And I fought for this."

I don't think you should get married. Call the wedding off. It's just money.

If he is already behaving like this now and causing you grief, it won't get any better once you're married.

You'll be in a foreign country with no friends, no family and no job. No support. It'll be lonely and since winter is coming, cold and miserable.

Go back home. You'll lose face but who cares? Takes guts to admit you made a mistake.

CircleC · #9 (**permalink**) 28-10-05, 12:14 AM

It sounds like you would be spending the rest of your life in prison. You have done nothing wrong. Don't stick with this guy who "thinks everyone will stab him in the back" and "likes to be a loner". You deserve MUCH MUCH more.

Girlie19 · #10 (**permalink**) 28-10-05, 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tears_of_Blood

No, if we get divorced I will go back home. But I don't want to think about divorce at this point!! I just want to try and resolve this and save us.... I just need to try harder I guess..

My two cents: you don't want to think about divorce, but you do. Seems like a huge STOP sign to me... If you're already thinking about a future divorce, don't marry him. It is supposed to be lifelasting.. If you cancel now, you sure will get a rough time, but for how long? A year, five years perhaps? Everything better then spending your entire life unhappy.

Tears_of_Blood · #11 (**permalink**) 28-10-05, 07:36 AM

[quote=Chlorine] and since winter is coming, cold and miserable.

QUOTE]

Well, the cold won't be a problem since Im from Northern Arctic Scandinavia!

And we just had a talk and things are a lot better, we both realize that there is a lot of stress involved in this at the moment, but in the the end it will all be worth it. And we just have to keep on trying to focus in the future and our life together as a family.
Thanks for all the input, I appreciate it!