Recovering from break-up, now doing crazy things - please advise

[natashab]

Hi,

I really need some honest opinions! Thank you for reading this...
It's now 8 months since I got dumped by my boyfriend - we were together for almost 3 years. It took a while but I'm gradually feeling better, although I worry all the time about everything. I can't have another relationship for a while as I realise I'm too emotionally messed up for that. I need to be on my own for a while to 'discover' myself (I've never been single for longer than 3 months since I was 16 - I'm 27 now! 3 long-term relationships and a couple of flings in between) and I really need to work on my self-esteem before I get into anything meaningful again.

The thing is I've never ever felt attractive and have been so inhibited during sex - and this has really been getting to me because I enjoy sex and know there's a side of me yet to be unleashed if my insecurities would only F*CK off! I'm trying to work on this because it's a major problem for me. If a guy is interested in me, I find some reason to believe he isn't, or that he'll lose interest any second. I find it hard to believe anyone would ever be interested in me. Guys have been interested in me, but I completely cannot understand why.

So to cut a long story short. Lately I've been exploring my sexuality and meeting guys, trying my hardest not to get emotionally involved. I recently met a guy (23) and we slept together. We were both pretty drunk, but I stayed over at his and we spent the night together. Had loads of fun and got on really well. I told him that night I wasn't looking for a relationship, and would like a 'f*ck buddy' (I don't want to sleep with a different guy all the time, but I have my urges to fulfill ) He said I could call on him anytime for some fun. He asked for my number which I was pleased about. I felt very comfortable with him, I was inhibited, but the fact that he was up for a repeat experience made me think perhaps I didn't repulse him...

So I had a crazy idea based on the fact that I really want to experience exciting sex without holding back. I know I've got a very sexual side but it doesn't come out much. I've booked a really nice hotel room for next weekend and have told him that I have a very 'dirty surprise' planned that involves 'porn, tying eachother up, blindfolds, alcohol, sexy underwear, kinky toys & more'. He seems up for it, I haven't told him about the hotel room yet, I want to keep him guessing as to what I have planned. It'll be a nice surprise I think - it's a pretty expensive hotel with really nice rooms.

What I'm really stressing about is the following:- a) I'm freaked out that he'll regret agreeing to meet up when he sees me, he may have forgotten how I look and be disappointed & won't be able to get turned on. b) I'm worried I'll lose my bottle and won't be able to get into "sexy mode" and that things will just be wierd. c) I'm worried my arranging all this means I'm a complete tart and a part of me is ashamed for doing this, especially with someone I hardly know (but he seems like a really sweet guy).

Guys out there - if a girl arranged this for you, would you completely disrespect her or find it exciting? And would you agree to see a girl again (with the blatant agenda of having sex together) if you didn't find her attractive???? And if a girl's body isn't perfect, but she enjoys sex and makes an effort to turn you on, does that cancel out the fact that she doesn't have an amazing body?

Thanks for reading to the end!

[CircleC]

Well, I'd think it was cool if a girl did all that. At the same time, I'd think she was trying way too hard. All that planning and consideration takes the simple "**** buddy" concept a bit far. Maybe pulling the whole thing off will help with your confidence though. So give it a go, who cares how he percieves it. This is about you exploring your sexuality right?

[natashab]

At the same time, I'd think she was trying way too hard.

Thanks for your reply. That's an interesting take on it which I hadn't considered - I guess because arranging this is really for my own benefit and not because I'm trying to 'win him over'. I'm doing this for me, and hopefully he'll enjoy it too. I don't see him as a potential boyfriend. Like I said, I'm off relationships for now and he knows this.

But you are right - it may come across that I'm trying too hard. And I guess you are right, who cares what he thinks? Trouble is, I care too much about what people think

Have you got any wisdom to shed upon the last few sentences of my post?

Thanks again!

[natashab]

And another thing! Can anyone advise on '**** buddy' rules? Are you only allowed to **** or can you hang out together before/after the deed? As long as things don't get 'heavy' or relationship-like, surely it's cool to enjoy eachother's company by doing things like going for a drink for example, as well as having sex together? Or is that too dangerous?

[CircleC]

Trouble is, I care too much about what people think

I think its good to care what people think. Sometimes. Not if it stops you from doing what you TRULY want to do.(As long as you're not hurting anyone) I don't think you'll hurt him. However, here is what might happen. He'll think you are a freak, a real plaything. You eventually decide that you have explored enough. You want to settle down. And not with him. This guy is HOOKED. He's been gettin' freaky lovin' without commitment. Hard to let go of. Could be an ugly situation. You have to be upfront and honest with him now. And even full disclosure doesn't guarantee his cooperation down the road. Make sure you know a bit about this guy's past before you tie him into a sex romp. Make sure he can handle it. Especially the ending.

[CircleC]

Can anyone advise on '**** buddy' rules?

There is a thread about this very topic.

[natashab]

Interesting take on it....again. Hmmm... I didn't think that was a possibility whatsoever. I didn't think I could possibly hurt someone like that. Infact, I thought the opposite, that if anyone would want to take it further or get hurt, it would be me and so I need to protect myself.

Do guys really get hooked on non-committal ****-buddies?? I thought that was the easiest kind of girl to let go of?

I feel I have made my intentions clear. I told him I wanted no strings attached sex right from the beginning and he said I could have "xxx bliss" (his words!) whenever I wanted it....all I needed to do was call him. He knows my intention for this weekend;- lots of no-strings sex and he wants to take part. Do I really need to hold off on doing this until we've talked more? During the occasion I was planning on making sure he was ok with it and that he was comfortable with the arrangement. I feel the risk of hurting him is extremely low. He's a young, horny guy who's not on the look-out for a girlfriend.

[CircleC]

Since you've made your intentions clear and he is gung-ho, go for it.
It is possible to get hooked on non-commital ****-buddies. Anything is possible. Don't stress it though, if he seems comfortable and open about the situation. But keep in mind that it IS possible. Have a great weekend!

[whaywardj]

You're being very clinical about this particular self-exploration, very much objectifyng a person, reducing them to the status of a sex toy, albeit with their consent. Were I on the receiving end of all this precision planning, I'd feel a little like meat on a hook and have my guard up. Might it not be more appropriate to just hire a male prostitute for these purposes? I'd hazard it would be less expensive and would certainly remove any of the emotional conundrums which **** buddy associations are notorius for creating. I shouldn't think you'd have any qualms about doing that since you already are, just not giving it that name. (You're trading something of value -- the hotel room experience -- for sex. That's the definition of prostitution.)

As to **** buddy etiquette: Taking on a **** buddy is, at best, a breath away from prostitution, at worst, a means of avoiding intimacy issues, and, in either case, is, essentially, nothing more than to engage in mutual masturbation with someone. Whatever gets your boat to float in that context is acceptable behavior.

It's an interesting exploration which, I'm sure, will show you quite a bit about your sexual physiology. I wouldn't expect it to show you anything at all about your sexuality in a loving relationship. Something I'd think you'd already know since, I imagine, you've already experienced how strongly emotional connections can alter your outlook on sex. Odds are, everything you think you've learned from this exploration will go right out the window the moment you try to apply any of it in a love relationship, and you'll right back where you were before you undertook any of it.

Seems a little like you're trying to learn piano by playing on a fiddle. But, hey. If it works for you...

[Debunkt]

^GENUIS!!!!

I have to agree. All I thought while I read you're situation is that you're going about trying to find something you probably only THINK you're missing, and you're looking for it in a situation that will probably lead to the exact place you don't want to go.

[natashab]

Thanks for your response. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I'm still a little messed up from my last relationship and am going in the opposite extreme - detached & emotionless. But what do you do if you feel you can't cope with a relationship, but feel a strong urge to do this kind of exploration?

I wouldn't want the prostitute experience. I really like this guy, as in, he's attractive and we get on well. Sex together works and feels good. He said he loved what I proposed & don't forget that he said to call him anytime I wanted some fun.

The hotel room is for us, not him. I chose a hotel room because we both live with other people and I don't want everyone hearing what's going on. Plus it'll be a nice, comfortable environment new to us both. He won't be having sex with me to earn a living or receive payment. He'll be there because he wants to be there. There's no trading going on.

I appreciate your views on ****-buddies, but I wouldn't equate that with prostitution. Both parties want to do what they are doing together. It's far from one-sided. Yes, it's not the most romantic, meaningful and ideal partnership, but not everyone is ready for long-term, involved relationships. What do you do in that situation....abstain? Resist one of our most fundamental urges/instincts? Why? What's the point in that?!

I think this experience might help me to feel more attractive. I've always felt unattractive, like my boyfriends only had sex with me because they loved me rather than desired me. This is something I need to overcome.

[NeoSeminole]

exploring your sexuality is another term for whoring yourself out. I don't understand why you cannot be in a relationship to learn more about yourself.

[Debunkt]

So much for the uninvolved ****-buddy relationship. You sound you've become more attached than would be advised for such a situation, and you make it sound like he has too. You just need some confidence in yourself. You have to realize that you don't have to be satisfied with EVERY part of yourself, because nobody's perfect. You have to find the good parts of yourself, exentuate them, and feel good that you have those qualities that other's don't. THAT is what guys will desire in you, and if truly appreciated, this will become part of the sexual attraction. I still think this is the wrong way to go about things, and that your issue is not sexual in nature, but only goes as far as you placing priority on things that aren't as important as you want them to be, and you're willing to do a lot to feel like you have something you may obviously not.

[natashab]

exploring your sexuality is another term for whoring yourself out.

Why does sex have to be about love and relationships? Why is it a dirty/sordid thing to have sex with someone you know but don't want to get emotionally involved with because the timing isn't right?

I don't understand why you cannot be in a relationship to learn more about yourself.

I have issues with feeling desirable and attractive. When I get close to a guy I feel they are having sex with me because they are in a relationship with me as opposed to just finding me attractive. Or that they are "settling" for me. Or feel sorry for me. That they really don't want to be with me. I know it sounds messed up. It is. But I feel very unattractive and it gets me down. That is why I am taking time on my own to work on these issues. I am undertaking therapy for these issues as it really affects my relationships.

[mini696]

^I agree with Neo.

...like my boyfriends only had sex with me because they loved me rather than desired me. This is something I need to overcome.

Love involves desire.

Guys out there - if a girl arranged this for you, would you completely disrespect her or find it exciting? And would you agree to see a girl again (with the blatant agenda of having sex together) if you didn't find her attractive???? And if a girl's body isn't perfect, but she enjoys sex and makes an effort to turn you on, does that cancel out the fact that she doesn't have an amazing body?

A girl doesn't have to have an amaizing body to turn me on. Sex for me is an emotional attraction that follows on from mental stimulation. If I had a girlfriend who did that I would be excited. But if I had someone who wasn't it would be quite a turn off for me.

JMHO

Mick