Help! I just want to be friends again.... - Love Forum

islandgirl · #1 (**permalink**) 12-10-03, 04:59 PM

Hi, I'm new here, and I hope someone can help me with my problem. I've been friends with this guy for over a year. Recently, he broke up with his girlfriend and I broke up with my long-term boyfriend.

To make a long story short, he came over one night, and things got a little out of hand, and I told him he needed to go home. Since then, he's been acting like a total jerk. I just want to be friends again. Any advice?

#2 (**permalink**) 12-10-03, 05:03 PM

You refused him, so he's going to act like that. It happens.

Listen, if he doesn't come around, forget him. Screw the friendship, it's not worth the effort if he doesn't understand.

You can try talking to him and explaining that you want to be friends again but that's it. You have no feelings towards him that way and the most he'll get is a good friendship.

And as I said, if he doesn't understand, forget him.

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islandgirl · #3 (**permalink**) 12-10-03, 05:08 PM

Thanks for answering....I just feel sad about it... like I lost a good friend.

#4 (**permalink**) 12-10-03, 05:14 PM

You probably did lose a good friend, and that's a travesty. But don't let it get to you too badly. After all, he's the ass, not you.

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jane · #5 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 06:38 AM

Forget him, He's mad because you refuse him? What? So is that how friends treat one another? No way man, that is just a ploy to make you feel guilty. Forget that.... He's not worth it. If he was your friend, he would have reacted differently.

#6 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 08:25 AM

He's the jerk, not you. Don't let it bother you. He probably wasn't even a friend to begin with. He's two faced.

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DuckyWucky · #7 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 08:43 AM

It doesn't sound like you'll be friends again. If you are, it may not be the same. I don't know because there's really not enough information here to give a rational input on who's right or wrong.

For all I know, you could've told him to come over, you two started making out, kissed him and what not for a while, said you shouldn't be doing this, he insisted, you said no, and told him to leave. I guess most guys would be a little upset after that.

Forget him though. He knows you want to be friends, if he doesn't want to accept that, tell him peace!

jane · #8 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 08:51 AM

Good observation DUCKYWUCKY, If he was led on, that 's a different story.

islandgirl · #9 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 09:51 AM

Did I lead him on? I'm not sure if I did or not. We were friends like I said for over a year--I would tell him my problems and he would tell me his problems with his girlfriend and we would try to help each other out. Mostly it was him talking about his girlfriend.

Anyway, his girlfriend had broken up with him recently, and soon after that I had broken up with my boyfriend. Prior to this incident, he never really gave me any sign that he was interested in me beyond friendship, never even touched me before in fact, except for a hug once. So when I was distraught over breaking up with my boyfriend, he offered to come over and talk.
I told him he didn't have to but he showed up at my door anyway.

I never had any reason to believe anything else was going to happen. Well somehow while we were just sitting around, he gave me a kiss and things started going a little too far from there. I was concerned because we had both just gotten out of relationships and I knew that he was still confused about his ex-girlfriend. So I was afraid it would be a rebound kind of thing and I told him so--he countered with the remark that it was the same from my side as I had just broken up with my boyfriend also. It was just too soon for me.

Well the thing is, I didn't feel we had any chemistry until that kiss. I actually would have considered going out with him again, but he was going too fast for me. And now, I 'm not sure what to think because like I told you he's been acting like a jerk and was going too fast for me and maybe you're right I should just write him off but I wish we could just be friends again like we were before without feeling uncomfortable.

jane · #10 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 10:01 AM

You sound like you have a pretty level head. What I think may have happened is that you bruised his ego. He just broke up with someone and whether he has feelings for you or you have for him, he got turned down. He may even be a little embarrassed. I think I may have been worng to tell you to forget about him. Maybe it's worth talking to him about. Do you miss him? if so,I think you found your answer.

#11 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 10:03 AM

She can talk to him, but if he's going to refuse her, then what's the point? It's like kicking a dead horse.

Try it islandgirl and see what he says.

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leight69 · #12 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 11:11 AM

based off of this he's not a "jerk" and you're not in the wrong either. both of your were on the rebound only you recognized it and stoped it.

BUT he's gonna feel upset, embarassed, belittled..etc....about that....face it.

I suggest, talking to him....make it clear how YOU feel about the situation, and what YOU'RE feeling. Then you can state what you'd like....do this without acusing him of anything. (use an I statement)

If he's acused of something.,..(eg: being a jerk...which he may or may not be) he'll get defensive, then you're conversation will go nowhere.

that should help clear up feelings.....then maybe friendship will get another shot. if not, then that's unfortunate but atleast the feelings will be cleared up about it.

Quote:

So I was afraid it would be a rebound kind of thing and I told him so--he countered with the remark that it was the same from my side as I had just broken up with my boyfriend also.

see he reacted when he was "acused" of something...so the convo didnt get very far

Quote:

It was just too soon for me.

I might suggest a different method...

eg:
You: Hey, I'd like to talk about the other night...I feel (insert emotion - confused, upset, ackward...etc) that we started to get it on. I felt that it was too soon for me for that, that night, and I wasnt ready to go as far as we did. I really value you as a friend, and would like you to continue to be my friend. However I would need for you to tell me about how you felt about that situation, so I can understand how you really feel about what happened.

He may give you a jerkass response...he might talk to you... he might admit to whatever...but if he isnt accused of anything...being a jerk, being to forward....whatever. then he might respond in a way that at least you'll be able to have a constructive convo.

islandgirl · #13 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 11:14 AM

Well since then I have talked to him and he proclaims to still be my 'friend' but he acts really short with me and tells me he has all these other women chasing after him. I've been playing along with this--I don't know if all this is true or not.

I want to talk about what happened but I figure what's the point since he's talking about all these other women. At the same time, he'll ask me if I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend.

Anyway, like you all said, maybe its not worth pursuing. Up until now, he was like my best friend, but since then, he's really changed. Things are not the same between us and maybe I can't fix it. Maybe he just doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

jane · #14 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 01:11 PM

It sounds like he is trying to discourage you from thinking he is interested in you. Especially, since he keep asking about your feeling to your x -- I would do as leight69 says.. Really have a convo about what your feelis are.. however, understand that men son't think the same way and convos may not go as desired.

islandgirl · #15 (**permalink**) 13-10-03, 01:28 PM

Well, at this point, I think I've decided to stop talking to him. I think he needs time to sort things out in his own mind. I really don't want to have a relationship with him because I don't want to lose his friendship. Hopefully, after time, the friendship will come back. If it doesn't.... oh well.