seriously ready to move out... - Page 3 - Love Forum

#31 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 01:05 AM

I thought it was funny, shh! :)

shh! · #32 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 01:39 AM

Thanks, sweetie, but now I think me and Lloyd are having our first fight.
:-(

#33 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 02:29 AM

Hi Miso,

Well, regarding the emotional/communication aspects of your problem, it seems that Shh, Hayward, and Lloyd have hit all the possibilities. I guess if you otherwise love him and this is really your Big Issue then I have a solution, having been here:

My husband and I used to (read: USED to) argue over cleaning. I'd get quite bitchy and he'd get quite resentful. Both of us being nerdy types, we actually checked one week just how much one was doing relative to the other. We both felt hard done to, BTW. Anyway, turns out that when the "jobs" were tallyed, we were both doing more than the other realized and about the same (this may or not be the case for you, but bear w/me here).

Point is, we decided to do something so that we FELT things were more fair. Our solution was the following:

We bought a BIG white board for the kitchen. Divided it up into days of the week (Mon - Sat). Then we decided what ABSOLUTELY needed doing each day. Those became the "daily tasks". For us, it is: making coffee, making our son's lunch, cleaning the kitchen (including emptying & filling the dishwasher), putting in a load of laundry, and getting breakfast ready for the family. The person who's ON that day (say, M, W, Fri) gets up at 6 AM and delivers coffee in bed to the person who is OFF. We chose this, instead of individual "set jobs", so no person feels like they get "stuck" with the sh!t jobs all the time. It works for us, and keeps everyone feeling things are fair. If your SO is a "typical" male, he won't mind being told what to do, so long as the "rules" are clearly spelled out. It also helps get you both into a nice, easy routine in the AM (once the chores are done, which only takes at most 30 mins, the ON person typically gets a chance to get some work done b/f the rest of the family awakes).

I hope this helps.

#34 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 02:32 AM

sombra did you re-read that thread from back in June?

I think that Tone guy had some pretty good points.

#35 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by indigosoul

Hi Miso,

Well, regarding the emotional/communication aspects of your problem, it seems that Shh, Hayward, and Lloyd have hit all the possibilities. .

AND TONE, bien sur.
(and anyone else I forgot)

Rosebud · #36 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 02:43 AM

Keep us posted Sombra! i'm curious to see how he reacts to what you do! Good luck with it. I hope some things sink in to him.

misombra · #37 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by indigosoul

Hi Miso,

Well, regarding the emotional/communication aspects of your problem, it seems that Shh, Hayward, and Lloyd have hit all the possibilities. I guess if you otherwise love him and this is really your Big Issue then I have a solution, having been here:

My husband and I used to (read: USED to) argue over cleaning. I'd get quite bitchy and he'd get quite resentful. Both of us being nerdy types, we actually checked one week just how much one was doing relative to the other. We both felt hard done to, BTW. Anyway, turns out that when the "jobs" were tallyed, we were both doing more than the other realized and about the same (this may or not be the case for you, but bear w/me here).

Point is, we decided to do something so that we FELT things were more fair. Our solution was the following:

We bought a BIG white board for the kitchen. Divided it up into days of the week (Mon - Sat). Then we decided what ABSOLUTELY needed doing each day. Those became the "daily tasks". For us, it is: making coffee, making our son's lunch, cleaning the kitchen (including emptying & filling the dishwasher), putting in a load of laundry, and getting breakfast ready for the family. The person who's ON that day (say, M, W, Fri) gets up at 6 AM and delivers coffee in bed to the person who is OFF. We chose this, instead of individual "set jobs", so no person feels like they get "stuck" with the sh!t jobs all the time. It works for us, and keeps everyone feeling things are fair. If your SO is a "typical" male, he won't mind being told what to do, so long as the "rules" are clearly spelled out. It also helps get you both into a nice, easy routine in the AM (once the chores are done, which only takes at most 30 mins, the ON person typically gets a chance to get some work done b/f the rest of the family awakes).

I hope this helps.

that helped so much. you have me in tears. i am definitely going to try this.

chlor- i have to stick around until february, so we'll see how things stand at that point. believe me, i am well on my way.

shh!- that's why i thought manipulating him with sex would work well, because he would then feel as much frustration as i do. but that would really suck for me. i kinda like sex.

tone-who loves ya baby?

lloyd-he does get resentful sometimes of my nagging, but i didn't care because i get resentful about his not cleaning.

i think indigo has a good, practical thing for me to try, thank you so much. it's not a lose-lose solution like mine are.

whaywardj · #38 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 09:06 AM

I hate it when Indigo takes the fire out of the flap by being reasonable. Now nobody has anything to argue about. Bummer. What will we do with ourselves?

updraft · #39 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 12:00 PM

All I can say is, don't put up with his bad habits!!! There is more to life than trying to force someone to do something they're unwilling to do...if you dumped him im sure he wouldn't know what hit him!!!!

#40 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 02:08 PM

Miso - You are so very welcome. It will work. Takes about a week to get used to it & you may have to add or remove some duties (tho we keep it to about 5). Keep us posted how it goes. (Oh, and tomorrow is MY "OFF" day--woo hoo!)

I once heard a wise man say (he was a Buddhist monk, actually) that sometimes the simplest solution to problems comes when one can mentally "step outside" for a moment. LF can be like that, sometimes, I think.

Hayward - You know you love it. You don't fool me.

Only-virgins · #41 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 06:31 PM

There is no way I am scrubbing a tub with a female around. Thats her job....bwahahaha

misombra · #42 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 09:42 PM

there lies your reason for your not having a female in the house. well beside you mom of course.

indigo-woohoo!!! off!!!

i brought it up to him last night. i showed him a little schedule i made giving him just a few things to do when he's here, and some things for me to do. i basically told him to do it, or else. he got defensive but then i got into how this is messing shit up, and that if he loves me and wants to be with me he will do these things. i hope he does it,

i guess i'm a little worried that it won't work.

shh! · #43 (**permalink**) 30-11-05, 10:17 PM

Use positive reinforcement: sex. That should help to keep him happy, and you too. (I never take sex away as punishment. That is self-defeating.)

#44 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

Use positive reinforcement: sex. That should help to keep him happy, and you too. (I never take sex away as punishment. That is self-defeating.)

This too^. You can always suggest that if he gets up and does his chores and then brings you coffee that he might also get some dessert...

Rosebud · #45 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 03:02 AM

Yes I agree with Shh. When he does one of those things, give him praise up and down. No matter how you do it use positive reinforcement!

And Misombra, I know your worried about it, but you have to stick to your guns on this one if it's really important to you. Did you set a certain day to start those things?