A different Journey - going for the friend - Love Forum

Journey · #1 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:03 AM

I have thought about my situation. To recap – my ex dumped me for a much older, divorced guy with two kids.
Then she invited me to lunch with her and her two friends. One of the friends called me to go out “just as friends” but I declined, because I was still hung up about my ex. I told her that I thought it would remind me of my ex and that I just needed time. She said I could call her back anytime to go out. I have decided to call her. Why?

If I end up getting together with the friend, I will be doing exactly what my ex is currently doing. If my ex and I ever get back together, we both won’t feel as bad about what happened (the flings), because we both did the same thing.
I know she is with another guy. But right now she does’nt know anything about me. She thinks I’m still hung up about her (based on what I said to the friend – which inevitably got back to her). She needs to know that I’m over her and dating too.
By contacting her friend to go out, it’s the only way that I can convey the message that I’m over her and moving on. By keeping quiet for a long time – by not calling her friend – it would just mean that it is taking me a lot of time to get over her.
Also its my ex’s friend, so if they talk, it could get my ex jealous. Also I thought her friend was pretty hot. It could lead to something very nice too, and I might not even want my ex back at that point.

MastaPDiddy · #2 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:11 AM

Don't go out with the friend just to prove a point to your ex. You have to eliminate your EX from the equation, otherwise all you are doing is playing games to convey some point to your ex...which means you aren't over her.

Go out with the friend because dammit you are a good looking guy, with good virtues, a good personality, and at least one other person in this world should have a shot at you.

Junsui · #3 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:20 AM

She has some odd friends. I know none of my friends would start trying to date my ex. Of course, I don't know how long you have been broken up. If it's like 6 months to a year, no big deal I guess.

Tone · #4 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:23 AM

That's just wrong, man.

Don't use her friend to try to get to your ex - that's just not fair... you should ONLY go for the friend, IMO (In my opinion), if you truely are interested in her and OVER your ex. You're not being fair to her (the friend).

Cause let's be honest, what happens if (THEORITICALLY) you go for this girl, she's nice, she starts liking you a whole lot, your ex notices and you get what you want - your ex to be jealous, she leaves the divorced man and wants to get back with you. So you're ecstatic! You got your beautiful Brazilian woman back!! Life is GREAT... except one little thing... imagine the poor girl who you USED to get your ex back... you feel it's okay to put her through exactly what you went through? That's very very selfish.

Again, I know you're probably going to reply in defense saying you really do like the friend and would really like it if things work out with her, etc etc... but the damage is already done in your first post. You specifically stated you would hope to get your ex back through her. Hey - I'm not gonna judge you cause I know we get crazy ideas when we're havin a tough time dealing with a breakup and go through a ton of scenerios on how to get them back. I'm just sayin, take a step back, and think of someone other than yourself, and the effects your little "plan" will have on the people you need to use to execute it.

Journey · #5 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Junsui

She has some odd friends. I know none of my friends would start trying to date my ex. Of course, I don't know how long you have been broken up. If it's like 6 months to a year, no big deal I guess.

I don't think they are really good friends. They just met recently I think, based on the conversation over lunch.

Junsui · #6 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

That's just wrong, man.

Don't use her friend to try to get to your ex - that's just not fair... you should ONLY go for the friend, IMO (In my opinion), if you truely are interested in her and OVER your ex. You're not being fair to her (the friend).

Cause let's be honest, what happens if (THEORITICALLY) you go for this girl, she's nice, she starts liking you a whole lot, your ex notices and you get what you want - your ex to be jealous, she leaves the divorced man and wants to get back with you. So you're ecstatic! You got your beautiful Brazilian woman back!! Life is GREAT... except one little thing... imagine the poor girl who you USED to get your ex back... you feel it's okay to put her through exactly what you went through? That's very very selfish.

Again, I know you're probably going to reply in defense saying you really do like the friend and would really like it if things work out with her, etc etc... but the damage is already done in your first post. You specifically stated you would hope to get your ex back through her. Hey - I'm not gonna judge you cause I know we get crazy ideas when we're havin a tough time dealing with a breakup and go through a ton of scenerios on how to get them back. I'm just sayin, take a step back, and think of someone other than yourself, and the effects your little "plan" will have on the people you need to use to execute it.

I agree

__________

Rosebud · #7 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:32 AM

If they just met recently, I'm not sure why she would be the one to call you and tell you she would like you all to go to lunch together. But in any case I agree with Tone, you don't even know this girl and your wanting to call her to go out...for what? to get back at your ex? That's putting this girl in a very ackward situation and setting yoruself up for a downfall because I don't see her dropping your ex as a friend for someone she doesn't knows..so your Ex would be around a lot.

Don't worry about your Ex knowing your over her or whatever. You ahve to think of yourself not her, you have to move on and get yourself away from her or else your just going to make yourself miserable.

Journey · #8 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

That's just wrong, man.

Don't use her friend to try to get to your ex - that's just not fair... you should ONLY go for the friend, IMO (In my opinion), if you truely are interested in her and OVER your ex. You're not being fair to her (the friend).

Cause let's be honest, what happens if (THEORITICALLY) you go for this girl, she's nice, she starts liking you a whole lot, your ex notices and you get what you want - your ex to be jealous, she leaves the divorced man and wants to get back with you. So you're ecstatic! You got your beautiful Brazilian woman back!! Life is GREAT... except one little thing... imagine the poor girl who you USED to get your ex back... you feel it's okay to put her through exactly what you went through? That's very very selfish.

Again, I know you're probably going to reply in defense saying you really do like the friend and would really like it if things work out with her, etc etc... but the damage is already done in your first post. You specifically stated you would hope to get your ex back through her. Hey - I'm not gonna judge you cause I know we get crazy ideas when we're havin a tough time dealing with a breakup and go through a ton of scenerios on how to get them back. I'm just sayin, take a step back, and think of someone other than yourself, and the effects your little "plan" will have on the people you need to use to execute it.

Fact is she is with another guy right now. And I feel like I'm being played in her game. I should do the same. Its not me that started it. She introduced me to the friend and the friend called me first. I still do feel for my ex, but being with her friend might help me to get my mind off of her. We could just be friends for a while, and anyways it might not go anywhere.

MastaPDiddy · #9 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Journey

Fact is she is with another guy right now. And I feel like I'm being played in her game. I should do the same. Its not me that started it. She introduced me to the friend and the friend called me first. I still do feel for my ex, but being with her friend might help me to get my mind off of her. We could just be friends for a while, and anyways it might not go anywhere.

Everyone has that same feeling when thie rEx dates someone new. You need to let go of the thought that she still wants you, and act independently of her. What women want most is someone who is on their own feet, don't fall into the biggest mistake most people make: holding yourself back from moving on, in case she comes back. The fact is you should move on, this is going to naturally make her want you, in which case you'll realize why you don't want to be with her anymore..and you'll be the one turning her down. There's only one catch, you can't fake it...you have to actually get over her.

Junsui · #10 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Journey

Its not me that started it.

lol

________________

Tone · #11 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Journey

Fact is she is with another guy right now. And I feel like I'm being played in her game. I should do the same. Its not me that started it. She introduced me to the friend and the friend called me first. I still do feel for my ex, but being with her friend might help me to get my mind off of her. We could just be friends for a while, and anyways it might not go anywhere.

Nice logic.

So because your EX is "playing you in her game" in your eyes, you're going to take it out on her friend.

What a stand-up guy.

MastaPDiddy · #12 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

What a stand-up guy.

Nice.

Rosebud · #13 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:51 AM

For one, you feel she's playing a game so int he process your going to USE her friend to HURT your ex? That's a pretty shitty thing to do, no matter what has happened. In the end you will be the one that will get hurt the most, why would you want that? You really think yoru Ex would take you back after you used someone she knows to get back at her?

Journey · #14 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

Hey - I'm not gonna judge you .

What a stand-up guy..

Yah right

Tone · #15 (**permalink**) 01-12-05, 01:59 AM

I didn't, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, saying I understand how we kinda think irrationally when we don't know how to deal with a tough breakup, but you're refusing to open your eyes and listen to reason.

You insist on potentially putting this innocent girl in the worse possible spot ever all because you're being incredibly selfish.