Share Your Stories: What External Factors Pressure Your Relationships? - Love Forum

singularity2006 · #1 (**permalink**) 13-12-05, 05:33 AM

I'm slowly finding that many external factors make it difficult for my gf to have a relatively stable life and relationship with me including family financial pressures, family socio-cultural pressures, and other differences between her family and my own (as well as our own inherent differences) that make it difficult for her to be at ease in our relationship. If you do not mind sharing, what types of external pressures affect your relationships adversely and how did you get passed it, if at all?

chelsee · #2 (**permalink**) 13-12-05, 06:05 AM

some people gonna have a hard time answering this one. like me for one.

singularity2006 · #3 (**permalink**) 13-12-05, 06:57 AM

Yeah, dang hard indeed. That's why I'd like to hear some input to see where people are at, how they fared, and how I might survive?

Rosebud · #4 (**permalink**) 13-12-05, 07:02 AM

Well I mean as long as two people are happy the outside influences should not really apply to a relationship. I can see if it were religion aspects of two peole getting together, but not income or anything like that. I mean your post is pretty vague as to why exactly she's not comfortbale or at ease in the relationship, but I would figure someone that's truly happy wouldn't let outside influences be a problem.

I know I have a lot of things going on that impact me but I don't let them cause problems in my own relationship.

misombra · #5 (**permalink**) 13-12-05, 08:39 AM

those external things are only as important as you want them to be.

#6 (**permalink**) 13-12-05, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by misombra

those external things are only as important as you want them to be.

Ooh good point sombra, and very very true.

Junsui · #7 (**permalink**) 13-12-05, 11:14 PM

I don't have any external factors, only internal ones.

TenorTwo · #8 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 12:16 PM

My girlfriend is catholic. Hardcore catholic. Been that way most of her life, and attends a private catholic school. Although she does have what most don't when diving deep into a certain religion: an open mind.

I liked this girl immediately, but did not think that it would work out at all due to her supremely catholic beliefs. I thought that once you reach a certain point in religion, you become very narrow-minded and don't accept the fact that people might have beliefs outside of your own.

A harsh (and dumb) stereoptype, indeed. It was then I learned that stereotypes are meant to be broken.

We met, both being the super-huge high school band geeks that we are, at an awards ceremony, prasing and granting scholarships to college-bound students achieving a certain level of greatness in music. We kept talking after that day, and I thought immediately, "A catholic and me. Not happening."

I thought about fifth period piano class. The girls that, to this day, shun me for what I believe in. These two girls that try never to speak of religious beliefs because they think I'm some kind of... monster, just because of what I believe in.

How could it work? How could she want this heathen, dirty, defloured, boy? I'm... I guess agnostic... maybe a taoist... I think we can call me an existentialist. Yet, there was no denying her obvious feelings for me...

Here I am, two months later, and we never look at our differences, ever. We just marvel how amazingly similar we are. That (huge) external force didn't affect us. So, I believe that when you love someone enough, no external force is great enough when the love is true.

Or, I guess I could have just said I agree with misombra, but that post wouldn't have nearly enough weight.

funsounds · #9 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 12:22 PM

this is not me but a friend of a friend...

she was seeing this guy. the external pressure? everyone she knew! all her friends hated the guy...every single member of her family hated the guy. makes it VERY hard when her friends and especially her family are EXTREMELY important to her.

she dumped him even though she was still crazy about him...

vashti · #10 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 12:47 PM

Here are some BIG external factors which frequently affect relationships, and I have only listed those for which I have known couples that have been affected. I personally think that external factors become internal issues.

Money problems
Religious differences (this happens later usually, when planning a family)
infidelity
step-kids and ex-wives/husbands
differences in parenting styles
family hating the new bf/gf/wife/husband
drugs/alcohol
cultural differences

clynn · #11 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 03:46 PM

Jobs. I have passion for my job. My boyfriend is very committed to his job. Means we are fully into our work when we're apart. And they require a lot of time. And also it means that our lives are influenced by that, and the 'type of people' we associate with are quite different as we work in quite different industries.
For me....attending evening social fuctions, that are work related is very important. He of course doesn't always want to be the man on my arm. Nor do I always want to be going out without him. It means I've had to cut down on my evening engagements - and hence my commitment to work is lessened.

dyno930 · #12 (**permalink**) 23-12-05, 09:40 AM

wow... thats a hard one... i think im going to have to get back on this one

Mishanya · #13 (**permalink**) 23-12-05, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Here are some BIG external factors which frequently affect relationships, and I have only listed those for which I have known couples that have been affected. I personally think that external factors become internal issues.

Money problems
Religious differences (this happens later usually, when planning a family)
infidelity
step-kids and ex-wives/husbands
differences in parenting styles
family hating the new bf/gf/wife/husband
drugs/alcohol
cultural differences

Ooooh, thats a good list Tanya!

I'd add also

Work commitments (Especially odd hours of work)
Unacceptance of SO within social circles, such as by friends
Gambling Habbits
Ethical Grounds (Eg if SO works as a stripper or in a position to kill other people such as the army)
Political predispositions (Republicans and Democrats would find it harder to accept each other)
Irreconcillable Differences (Term most favoured by Devorce lawyers

)

funkybuddha · #14 (**permalink**) 23-12-05, 03:11 PM

Ethnical backgrounds are the main thing that gets me.
Friends circles

SteveM · #15 (**permalink**) 27-12-05, 05:13 AM

How do you just lump everything into a few groups?
The spectrum of human emotion is endless. Its impossible to define a few set categories.

What seems like a lot of pressure to one person is nothing at all to the next person.

I mean in my own relationship there are lots ot things I find hard to cope with but I do or I try and I'm sure my partner is the same.
Theres the fact that she depends on me a lot. Too much even. Isn't that great you say, she is so envolved in you but you get to the point where you feel you need your old life back. The one where you can go where you like, do what you like and not "answer" to anyone. Or at least the one where you would ask your girlfriend along and not have her already invided herself before I even make the plan! She could use her owns friends. She could use a better family situation than she has and then maybe she wouldn't be so dependant on me.

When things were hard between us and it looked like we were going to break up. I hate going into detail about what happened on a public forum but things did get pretty heavy when she thought she'd loose me. Its a thing I can never tell anyone fully about. I had nowhere to turn at the time, I needed help, to help her but I couldn't turn to my family cos they wouldn't understand and I couldn't turn to her family because I couldn't do that to her, I don't know, it was like telling them would only make it worse but at the same time It couldn't get any worse.

Now I just have the image of her that time in my head and it hurts me so much. I know she did it because she was heart broken at the thought of us breaking up. I want to stay with her because I know she needs help, she needs someone who's there for her in her life. But then again I have an overwhelming feeling that this emotional blackmail is way too much for me to deal with. She never shows her real inner feelings to other people, not even her family, yet she dumps it on me. Great she can trust in me you think but what happens when she gets like this and *I'M* the one who let her down...? Where does she turn only to self destruction. Maybe she knows that and uses it as a way to keep me, or maybe she doesn't realise what she's doing but just can't control her emotions when she's upset.
But who do I turn to? Who do I get to help me and her? Who can I confinde all this in? Where can I get advice?

Can I accept that she is the sweetests girl in the world most of the time because she seems to happy around me most of the time, yet she is probably at any moment only a moment away from breaking down, and it might be my fault.