Cheated, now what? - Love Forum

Fyesteema4 · #1 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 02:35 AM

My boyfriend and I have just been together for one year. I'm in my first year of college and he's 23. Theres always been this little rift in our relationship, because I'm really into going to college parties and clubs, something that he doesn't really partake in. And he loves to go out to bars with friends, which I can't get into.

He also hasn't had a cell phone for awhile so that makes getting a hold of him increasingly hard. You can imagine my frustration being at a party, drinking, wishing he could be with me and wondering what he's doing. But we've made it work and I'm very in love.

Recently we've been getting into big fights. Sometimes I feel he acts disrepectful and cruel, I'll say something to him and he'll get so defensive and angry, in turn I get really upset and start to question the relationship, and when/if I start to cry, he just ignores me. I just feel like we're not on the same "team" anymore.

During our last fight it got so heated I ended up telling him how I have kissed a couple guys at parties, one including my ex. Something that I had been feeling so guilty about but never knew if it was worth it to tell him He was incrediably upset and mad, he cried and he punched a wall...honestly I guess in the back of my head I kind of felt that if he found out he wouldn't care.

He called me the next day from work and told me that he's not ignoring me but he just doesn't want to talk to me right now and doesn't want to see me while he thinks about things. I knew it was coming.

The tables have turned, because at first I was feeling like the victim and now I'm unarguably the bad guy. If we do work through this, do I have anyright to bring up all pain i've been feeling, or should I just focus on making him believe that I'm sorry?

#2 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 02:47 AM

Both.

Let him know you were in the wrong, and you're sorry for it (if you truely are) and also let him know how you've been feeling lately. Don't use it as an excuse, take full responsibility for what you did and acknowledge it was wrong, but you have to also let him know how you've been feelin because that's HIS responsibility.

fear_21 · #3 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 03:47 AM

you did a big mistake girl, big mistake

#4 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 03:53 AM

Sure, a mistake. But it's not the end of the world. We all do it. It happens to every single one of us at some point (or in my case MANY points) in our life. The key thing is to not get too hung up on things you can't change - the past. The best thing you can do is LEARN from it.

Junsui · #5 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 03:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

Sure, a mistake. But it's not the end of the world. We all do it. It happens to every single one of us at some point (or in my case MANY points) in our life. The key thing is to not get too hung up on things you can't change - the past. The best thing you can do is LEARN from it.

You cheat on people you date, often?

#6 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 04:01 AM

Never have.

My only point is to not get too hung up on the past. This doesn't mean just to forget it happened, but what can you do about it? NOTHING - it's over and done with. The only thing she can do is LEARN her lesson. Which is never a given.

Junsui · #7 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 04:05 AM

lol I know, I was just messin with you.

#8 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 04:06 AM

What is this "humor" you humans speak of so often....

Junsui · #9 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 04:09 AM

Something a robot like you could never understand.

#10 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 04:13 AM

Junsui we are so awesome.

We reply to like every thread today. LoL. We're so smart. And wise. Yes. Very wise.

(Oh btw - please don't forget to tell people I'm no "normal" robot, but a robot from the future. Actually. I don't like being a robot anymore >:[ )

Junsui · #11 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 04:15 AM

lol I think we reply because we're bored. Oh yeah and wise

shh! · #12 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 05:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fyesteema4

Recently we've been getting into big fights. Sometimes I feel he acts disrepectful and cruel, I'll say something to him and he'll get so defensive and angry, in turn I get really upset and start to question the relationship, and when/if I start to cry, he just ignores me. I just feel like we're not on the same "team" anymore.

During our last fight it got so heated I ended up telling him how I have kissed a couple guys at parties, one including my ex. Something that I had been feeling so guilty about but never knew if it was worth it to tell him He was incrediably upset and mad, he cried and he punched a wall...honestly I guess in the back of my head I kind of felt that if he found out he wouldn't care.?

The fact that you have kissed other guys on more than one occassion indicates that you really aren't sorry. These weren't mistakes, or they would not have been repeated. The reason you told him about this is probably more about you being punitive. You WANTED to hurt him, and so you did. You are punishing him for not being "on the same team anymore" and blame him for your frustration over his not partcipiating in college parties. You say you wish he "could be with you", but unless you left some details out, he CAN be with you, but chooses not to.

You sound awfully young to be tied down to one guy in your current frame of mind. It sounds like your priority is partying and gaining male attention, which I believe is within the range of normal for a girl your age. Unfortunately, those interests are not conducive to having a boyfriend. Maybe you ought to go solo for a while.

mini696 · #13 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 08:25 AM

I was thinking the same thing as shh. Maybe you need time away from him to sort yourself out. Kissing someone once is a BIG mistake, doing it to someone else is so much bigger than that again. I believe you did it to hurt him, and to relieve yourself of the guilt you feel.

So what if you are going to different places to go out, that shouldn't be a problem. But you should never cheat on someone you supposedly love.

Rosebud · #14 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 09:06 AM

You can't make anyone believe anything they don't want to. Saying what did out of anger was to hurt him which you did. I don't know if you were trying to make him feel guilty for not being with you at these parties or not but that's what it seems. As you've said you wish he could be with you at those parties. And i'm sure he would like you to be with him when he's doing the bar scene. But for some reason you decide to go to College parties instead of hanging out with your bf which is red flag right there.

You need to also address all issues but one at a time.

whaywardj · #15 (**permalink**) 24-11-05, 09:29 AM

Sounds like you guys have radically different life-styles and interests. I'd guess: He's more domestic oriented than you and you're more professional oriented than he. I'd also guess your clubs and all intimidate him while his bars and all are boorish for you. I'd guess, too, you don't feel vital and alive unless there's a promise of something new, exciting or interesting on the horizon; whereas, he's content without such.

I think you both need to have a LONG discussion about your likes, dislikes and tastes. Your parties could be his threat. His love of routine could be your disinterest. You both may be mistaking each other.

And, oh, yes. Kissing other men while your allegedly committed to one is a definite red flag in your court. I wouldn't want to talk to you for a few days either if it were me. I'd need some alone time to figure out how I felt about what that might mean. There's going to clubs for the distraction of all the hub-bub, then there's going to clubs for the sake of an impromptu rub. Totally different objectives evidencing completely different motivations. One has to wonder why it is you DO enjoy clubbing. For the kicks? Or the kisses?