The family Xmas dinner - Would this bother you? - Love Forum

blackiesharley · #1 (**permalink**) 19-12-05, 05:12 PM

Let me set up the situation... I've been dating this girl for about six months. We've become very close, in fact just last week she bought me a seperate cell phone so that we could keep in closer touch. A single Mother, one 6 YO son and she lives with and cares for her elderly Father. My elderly Mother lives with me and I tend to her.

This girl (let's call her CC) about a month ago invites me and my Mother to share Xmas dinner with she, her Father and her son at their place. I was very flattered and honored. Plans for food were being made, presents bought, all that good stuff. Looking forward to our first Xmas together with what remains of our family.

Yesterday, out of the blue she says 'There's something that you should know. I've invited Bob, my ex-husband to join us. Yeah, he was a bad guy (I should know as she's bitched about him for six months) but he's really trying hard to change and I don't want him sitting home alone on Xmas. I wasn't even going to say anything to you about it because if you canceled I'd be very upset.' (WTF is this? she wasn't even going to tell me??? Nice Xmas suprise) Then she adds 'Don't feel weird. I've introduced him to lot's of guys I've dated.'

Now maybe I'm old fashioned and I TOTALLY understand that a kid should be with their Father on Xmas, no problem there, but didn't she THINK about it before inviting me? Seems akward and disrespectfull not only to me but to HIM as well. And our parents for that matter. If we were to go forward in the relationship, of course at some point I'd have to meet the guy, but an intimate first Xmas dinner doesn't seem like the right time/place. If she had simply explained this early on, I would have totally understood, (and she knows me well enough to know that I would) but waiting to the last minute and springing it on me? I don't like last minute suprises especially when it involves other people.

I've reversed the situation in my mind. I would NEVER tell HER at the last minute that 'Oh,and by the way, my ex-wife will be joining us. I don't want her siting home alone on Xmas.' Granted there are no kids involved there but still...

She knows I'm pissed. I have not returned her calls since that conversation yesterday, not that I'm 'pouting' or playing games, it's just that I'm afraid I'll say something out of hurt that I'll regret.

Opinions?

vashti · #2 (**permalink**) 19-12-05, 09:59 PM

I agree she should have told you when she first invited you. If you care about this woman, express to her your frustration and tell her firmly not to surprise you like this again, but then I suggest you let it go. Part of dating a woman with a child is putting up with this kind of stuff (as I am sure you know) and in the spirit of the season, I understand inviting "orphans" to holiday dinners. It's good for the boy, too (unless her ex is somehow dangerous or destructive), so it is really best to just be civil.

No one will be feeling as awkward as you will. Both of your parents are old enough to handle awkward moments; just inform your mother before you take her. Her father may actually LIKE this other man, or at least must be willing to tolerate him, otherwise I am sure your gf would have skipped the invitation.

Cowboy up, blackie, and be nice, and this too will pass.

#3 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 12:45 AM

Yeah, I agree mostly with what shh! said.

She just sounds really sweet - and doesn't want him to be alone on Christmas... which no one should really have to be.

Grit your teeth, put on a smile, and you'll get through it.

TAVS · #4 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 12:57 AM

Agreed.
______

blackiesharley · #5 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 01:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

Yeah, I agree mostly with what shh! said.

She just sounds really sweet - and doesn't want him to be alone on Christmas... which no one should really have to be.

Grit your teeth, put on a smile, and you'll get through it.

Yeah OK, I can pretend to be the nice guy and go through it but WHY didn't she think of this BEFORE???? She knew he was gonna be 'alone' when she invited me. I don't think it's right. She should have talked to me about it before the last minute.

AND!!! She 'almost didn't want to tell me?' That shows no respect, sorry. I've gotta drive two hours on a freezing Xmas morning with my elderly Mother in the car to walk into her house and hear 'oh by the way, this is my ex husband?' No way. And when I spoke to her a little while ago she says 'well, that's why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd be upset.' No shit Sherlock.

I swear I don't think she would have told me if I hadn't asked how many people were going to be there and she stammered and mumbled 'well...your gonna be upset but...'

BTW...She was living with the guy up until a month ago when she moved into the Fathers house. I accepted that because she swore 'we're just room-mates these days.' What a fool I've been.

#6 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 01:03 AM

Yeah I dunno.. I can definately understand why you're upset.. Talk to her about it, I say.

vashti · #7 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 01:38 AM

Why does she have a hard time telling you things? Why is she afraid of your reaction? Does she need to be? Do you have an irrational temper? I understand your irritation blackie, but really, it seems you are blowing this out of proportion (unless she has a history of omitting important details).

TAVS · #8 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 01:52 AM

Wow, looks like Shh! is digging deep

blackiesharley · #9 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Why does she have a hard time telling you things? Why is she afraid of your reaction? Does she need to be? Do you have an irrational temper? I understand your irritation blackie, but really, it seems you are blowing this out of proportion (unless she has a history of omitting important details).

Do I have a temper? No way. Honestly.

Does she have a history of omitting important details? Yes she does in fact.

I don't think I'm blowing it out of proportion.

vashti · #10 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 02:24 AM

In that case, you may have more to be worried about than whether or not her ex is coming for dinner. Sorry, my friend.
:-(

funsounds · #11 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 02:27 AM

you know what...

how long has she been separated from the ex? i mean...you said you had to hear her bitched about the ex for 6 months. does she talk about him alot? and why didn't she tell you about him sooner?

i'm wondering if she's over this guy...

blackiesharley · #12 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 03:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funsounds

you know what...

how long has she been separated from the ex? i mean...you said you had to hear her bitched about the ex for 6 months. does she talk about him alot? and why didn't she tell you about him sooner?

i'm wondering if she's over this guy...

I dunno.... And I'm starting to care less and less...

One thing's for sure, I'm not going. If it were just her, me, her son and the ex I would go just as a goof and see what happens. But with parents involved, sorry, I'm old fashioned. No way. Merry Xmas *****.

clynn · #13 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 03:12 AM

Christmas is still a week away. That's plenty of time. This is hardly last minute. phoning you on Xmas Eve to tell you would be last minute.

He is the father of her child??? Then he should be there. Plain and simple. If you can't deal with it, then find a new relationship to be in. There is no point in putting off a dinner such as this as there will be more in the future. Why create an artificial scenario?

You still have lots of time to buy yourself a turkey and have a quiet dinner at home with your mom.

Good luck deciding what to do.

funsounds · #14 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 03:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by clynn

He is the father of her child??? Then he should be there. Plain and simple. If you can't deal with it, then find a new relationship to be in.

the gal said she didn't want to tell him because she'd have been upset if my man cancelled. that shows she's fully aware that this is an akward situation. and i'm assuming the parents have yet to meet eachother...that this is their first meeting.

i don't know...i don't think this is the way a guy should meet her girls ex for the first time. it's messed up...what with it being a holiday and with parents and that's how you gotta deal with the akwardness?

she's dumb as bricks...

clynn · #15 (**permalink**) 20-12-05, 03:34 AM

I'm wondering how come they haven't met previously.

If they've been dating for 6 months and she only moved out of her ex's house a month ago,......how come they didn't meet for those 5 months?

Did you honk when you arrived at her house to pick her up on dates? Or did she always come to your place?

I recognize this is an intense situation - but you have a choice about attending or not. It isn't as though you can't make other plans. You can make other plans and still go on dating her afterwards. So....you don't spend Christmas together.