Hi, any advice please/? - Love Forum

Vicki · #1 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 06:02 PM

Hi there all, I am new to this site and still a little unsure how it all works.

I was just wondering if anyone had ideas about committment phobic partners and how to manage them.

I am unsure if my boyfriend of 16 months is a committment phobic, or whether I am just afraid of rejection and have unrealistic expectations from the relationships.

This is his 3 or 4th long term relationship. He is 48. He has never married and has no children. It is my 2nd longterm relationship. I was married for 27 years, have 4 kids. I am 47.

I would like some advice about how I could perhaps help to improve the relationship. We don't live together. He is generally very loving and affectionate, but definetely a loner. He prefers to spend more time on his own than with me. I try to practice no contact sometimes, but that seems pretty much like a game. We spend approx. 10 nights per month together - sometimes not that much. Occassionaly spend a whole day together on the weekend, but not normally. Even when we can spend extra nights together he doesn't seem to want to. ???

Please don't ask me to talk to him about this - he would react very badly to that, and wouldn't handle the discussion very well. I just get hurt he dosen't want to spend more time with me.

I feel and sound so pathetic. Any ideas or help would be appreciated.

Cheers
Vicki

BlueSofa · #2 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 08:14 PM

Hi Vicki,

First and foremost, you don't sound nor should you feel 'pathetic'. Wanting some reassurance is not a weakness - it's a sign you care for him. If you didn't feel the way you do about him you would not be feeling like this.

Some thoughts that come to mind that may help understand the situation are do you know what happened in his previous relationships? Did he end them or did his previous partners do so and why? Also, how old was he when he started dating - is he comfortable around women? Does he have a busy job?

It may need a lot of patience on your part to reassure him without him feeling pressured. I know you may have expectations and hopes for your future but I wouldn't let that show too much right now.

Given your own commitments do you mix much socially with anyone else? It may help you to have other friends/activities to focus on so you are less worried about the situation which in turn may help to relax him too.

Hope this helps

Ian

Lloyd95 · #3 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 11:06 PM

Sounds to me like this is what he is always going to be like. He's 48 and never married, probably for the reasons you mentioned above. I always think it's odd when older men have never married or been in long lasting relationships.

I say you need to accept him the way he is and get used to not having a constant mate, or move on.

TAVS · #4 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 11:10 PM

Yea, Lloyd said most of that needed said. I think you should move on and try to find someone else....perhaps someone use to children since you have 4. If you can't even talk to you man about what strains your relationship there is a problem.

Lloyd95 · #5 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 11:12 PM

TAVS, her children are probably grown adults by now; not little kids running around your feet, so I don't think it's an issue with her. Of course, I could be wrong.......nah, I'm right.

TAVS · #6 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lloyd95

TAVS, her children are probably grown adults by now; not little kids running around your feet, so I don't think it's an issue with her. Of course, I could be wrong.......nah, I'm right.

When Mom was 47, I was 16 and when Dad was 47, I was probably 13, but of course he wasn't around.

Lloyd95 · #7 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 11:22 PM

Yeah, but she got married at 20, I'm guessing one reason might be b/c she was pregnant. That'd put her oldest around 26. She has 4 kids, doubt she'd have 2 or 3 then take time off and have another.

Also, it's risky for women to have kids later than 34-35, so at the youngest, her 4th should be 13ish.

TAVS · #8 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 11:26 PM

Are you bored Lloyd?

Lloyd95 · #9 (**permalink**) 22-12-05, 11:34 PM

Does it show?

Rosebud · #10 (**permalink**) 23-12-05, 02:33 AM

Werll first off if you can't communicate to him, how are you supposed to fix anything? You don't know where he's coming from or why he is this way aside from assuming your own opinions. If you can't talk to him then he will ahve no way of knowing you feel this way, nor will you ahve any understanding of what he wants. If that's the case you can't FIX something you don't know.

So I say, either accept what it is and that it will continue to be like this, or move on.

Communication is a big factor in a realtionship, and I think that's your #1 problem here!

Vicki · #11 (**permalink**) 23-12-05, 07:11 AM

Thanks everyone for your replies.

First of all - laughing you got it partly right. Had my first child at 24 - didn't get married because I was pregnant lol. So eldest is 22. had the youngest at 38 - probably about the last time I had sex with the ex lol. She is 9.

Kids aren't the issue, not the major issue really.

I don't really know what happened in his previous relationships. His last partner had 3 girls who he says hated him. (it would be easy to do. My daughter likes him though so that is good).

It is easy to say, communicate, accept him or dump him. Oh should life be so easy and straight forward.

I don't want to be needy and clingy. I have tended to shut my own life off a bit in some ways - some mentioned how much I have on - so not a lot of time.

Interesting to be spoken about in the 3rd person!!

Great to have some input from guys though - I guess my man just likes to go back to his cave on a regular basis. Hurtful, but it is up to me how I handle that I suppose.

Yep, you do have to ask yourself why a 48 year old has been unable to sustain a long-term relationship??

I don't talk with him because I don't want to put demands on him. I feel he needs some time to decide where he wants to go with this. Some people are just a little slower - and he does take his time over decisions, whereas I jump in like lightening. It took him 6 months to go from meeting me to friends to even discussing that there might be something between us. I knew straight away I was interested. After about 3 months I just figured he wasn't interested in me, but as I enjoyed his company I continued to hang out with him now and again. Then boom one evening he invited me for dinner - as I was leaving he says - so are we going to do something about this thing between us or not?? And 16 months later here we are.

Yes Ian I do care about him a lot. I had been reading some books about committment phobics and about not contacting and making them chase you. There is merit in both. But also it is a relationship, one I would like to make stronger and have a greater committment in. I am prepared to be patient and wait, but just find the day to day stuff a bit difficult sometimes. He withdraws so easily. He worked in the bush most of his life - on his own. He trained as a physio but hated it. He really is a loner and just seems completely unconcerned about having people in his life.

He sends very mixed messages. I know I need to keep away from him and leave him be, I suppose it is the feeling of rejection - when someone pulls away you want to push closer and closer. Wrong thing to do.

I suppose I just thought someone might have a step by step plan.

Thanks again everyone.

Vicki