What should I do?

[Ellynn]

Hey all....

I met this guy about a yr and a half ago....from yahoo. We hit it off instantly when we met and began dating. I felt so comfy with him.....and we would talk and talk and talk...and I felt we really connected. I lost my dad two yrs ago...and he lost his dad as well...around the same time. So its like we had that in common off the bat. He also treated me like a princess. He took me out to dinner.....would drop everything if I needed something from the store..etc. It was great....until....

He confessed to me he was using painkillers and opium... I was shocked... I tried to get him help...but he basically pushed me away and told me that I was too good for him etc....and that I should just let him be.... I was really hurt....but honestly what could I do?

Then about 6 months later.....after talking a few times inbetween.....he asked me if I wanted to hang out. He told me how he went thru rehab and got off of the drugs.etc. I was really happy for him....so we hung out etc...as friends.....but then he kissed me. We started going out not long after that......and well.......it didn't go so well. He confessed he relapsed and he was still on the painkillers.... I just told him he needed to get help once again....etc. Then he ignored me for like a week. I was like wtf? SO I emailed him and asked him what was up. He still ignored me. So finally I just told him that I wanted to end things....and that maybe we would just be better off as friends. He then writes me and tells me that he just doesnt find me attractive physically....etc. I was like both shocked and hurt by this. So I basically told him to fvck off..and that was that.

To the present....a few weeks ago...he found me on myspace and emailed me. He apolgized over and over again.....for everything he put me thru...and he told me he moved up north to be by his family....and that he has been clean for 4 months. I was happy to hear this....but kept things kinda vague in my email....when I replied back. Then he wrote me again and told me he wants to move back to the city(by me) and try finding a job down here and live down here. He also made it very clear he wants to try to see if it could work between us. He told me he just can't stop thinking of me....and he really misses me. He said I had one of the best personalities that he has ever seen in a person.....and thats what makes it hard to forget me.

I mean I was very flattered by this.....but I told him that we should just be friends and just wait and see. I also told him not to make any decisions based only on trying to be with me....(in case things dont work out). I also brought up the fact that he said he didnt find me physically attractive.... He apolgized for that once again and told me......that I can think what I want....but he "likes me alot" and misses me alot. He also told me that its up to me whether I wanted him to leave me alone. He told me the last thing he wants to do is hurt me again.

I don't know what I should do... I mean.....I still do have feelings...and I believe he is being sincere. But I don't want to jump into something and then have him change his mind. I mean should I just shut him out? Should I just be his friend and see what happens? Or should I just go for it?

[Prodigal]

Hi Ellynn, nice to see you.

This guy seems to be very indecisive. He keeps going back and forth from liking you and pushing you away. Sometimes he seems stable, and sometimes it's obvious that he's very instable. I think that in general, he seems to be insecure about himself. The bad things he has said about you may or may not be true. In anger or frustration, we oftentimes say things we don't mean, or exaggerate things and don't realize what we say. You must determine whether he's telling the truth or not. My feeling is that he is telling the truth and being sincere. But really, in a few months, can you trust that staying sincere? He might relapse again, or his feelings about you might change back, like they have twice already.

It's a very tulmutuous relationship. My advice is to be friends with him and see where it goes. I'd also suggest being very cautious, though. Sometimes people jump into things too fast, just to have it blow up in their faces. I think you should be extremely careful because it's happened already. I think it's okay to at least be friends with him... about giving him another chance in a relationship, I think you should see about that. And considering he did hurt you before, you must be very conservative... but also, don't be afraid to listen to your heart. It all seems so contradictory, but I guess it's all about finding that right balance.

I don't know if I helped any but I hope it did. The best of luck to you...

-Prodigal

[misombra]

ellynn- this guy sounds like a nut. telling you that he doesn't find you physically attractive? psh, throw him to the curb girl! all of a sudden he wants to pick up and move where you are to try to work things out? ah hell no. get yourself a good man who isn't emotionally unstable and is sure that he wants you and dump this guy.

[Tone]

I agree with sombra. Sounds like a weasel guy tryin to do what weasel guys do... weasel their way back in. Don't let him!

Fool me once... shame on you.

Fool me twice... shame on me.

Fool me thrice........

[Gigabitch]

Maybe you should go to the casino and take whatever happens there as a sign. He sounds like a gamble to me...

[TAVS]

Forget him Ellynn. If you want to be friends; whatever; but you deserve better in a boyfriend.

[bluesummer]

He sounds self centered and indecisive. This doesn't sound like the type of guy you should be 'trying to make it work' for. Not to mention he told you he doesn't find you physically attractive (wtf?!?)......that would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

[blackiesharley]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluesummer

Not to mention he told you he doesn't find you physically attractive (wtf?!?)......that would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

Yep me too. I'd dump him and fast. I understand that everyone has their 'types' but to say something like that to you is simply unforgivable.

And my experience with addicts? Don't even try. It's sad as often times they DO mean well when they promise to stay clean but it never seems to last.

There's a guy out there for ya with less baggage. Mark my words and keep your chin up.

[Ellynn]

Thanx guys ....for your responses...

I am sick of getting hurt......from guys in general. So I'm definately being cautious with him. I explained to him why IM being that way. I mean.....that really hurt when he told me he didn't find me physically attractive....and yet....when we messed around....it was different. I think that was a way to try to get back at me for telling him we should just be friends. But either way.....I bitched him out....about that. I told him that he shouldn't force himself....and that if what he said was true....then why the hell is he trying to get back with me.

I mean he honestly did treat me with respect before he said those things to me. He never took advantage of me......financially or physically.....when he could have...(and trust me....Ive had that happen also with other guys...) He told me that fact alone should make me realize how much he respects and cares about me. But who knows? I just don't want to get back together with him and find out hes using again......or that he ends up going back to using.

Basically I can be friends with just about anyone.... So I think I'll take that route. If he can prove to me hes changed for the better...then maybe down the road I will give him another chance. But if he can't.....then oh well. At least I tried.....

[clynn]

I think that once a pattern like this has emerged with someone...it probably won't change. ie: if he was a drug user with you...he'll start using drugs again.

and that was about the absolutely nastiest thing a person coudl ever have said to someone they supposedly love. mean, mean.

[vashti]

I wouldn't even consider trying to make things work with a drug addict (romantic or otherwise) unless they were clean and sober for about 100 years.

Yeah, maybe I am a little harsh.

[Tone]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shh!

Yeah, maybe I am a little harsh.

But we love you, anyway.

[Rosebud]

I completely agree with Sombra! No matter what his intentions are now or how sorry he is, the fact is he said things and avoided you to purposely hurt you. You don't need that! You can do so much better, and I may sound like a hypocrit for saying this but there's only so many chances you can give someone.. I mean if this guys has done this twice to you already, there's no guarentee he won't hurt you again, and you have know way of knowing he has actually changed which I seriously doubt he has. You cannot condone his behavior by taking him back in (expecially a drug addict) becasue that's enabling him to do it again!

Seriously honey, you can do so much better than this nut case! Don't even bother getting yourself involved with him as a friend or not, if he hurt while you two were dating just think of the possibilities while maintaining a friendship!

[Pears]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tone

I agree with sombra. Sounds like a weasel guy tryin to do what weasel guys do... weasel their way back in. Don't let him!

Fool me once... shame on you.

Fool me twice... shame on me.

Fool me thrice........

Ellynn, you deserve better.

He can't make up his mind about you.
He can't make up his mind about the relationship.
He can't make up his mind about drugs.
He can't make up his mind about what to do with his life.

[Ellynn]

Yeah you guys are right... Just felt good to be noticed after being single for over 7 months with no bites...... Oh well....single life is a good choice for me anyways right now.