Not sure how he'll feel after divorced

[nebulachic]

I have been dating a separated man (3 yrs) for 6 months. He has had 2 previous relationships.. both of which he said both parties knew it wasn't going to last and was just having fun.

He told me he was in love with me by the 2nd month.. asked how I'd feel about becoming a stepmom... said "this feels right"... but always added "I think you know that that doesn't mean I want to run ut and get married tomorrow though. I'm not even out of my first marriage!". (Duh! I used to think. And I hardly know you anyway idiot!)

I started getting attached and into him about 3.5 mos into it regardless of the situatuion. His wife tried to bust into his apartment one night when she saw my car there and attacked him and got herself arrested in the process.

In the 5th month I finally asked him when he thinks about having a new life and partner if he ever considers me. "Of course!" he said "It's only natural to think of the person you're with! But I can't make any promises right now" I was stunned and my heart sank and I got very quiet. He sensed it and said: "I'm not saying I'm going to go out and screw every woman I see (I had epxressed concern about this before). But I'm going to picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questions."

I broke down to a mutual male friend of ours shortly after when he asked how things were going with us. He called my b/f and said: "I hope your being upfront with her and you're both really communicating. She is very concerned." My b/f told me about their conversation and said "I don't know how I'm going to feel about our relationship once I'm divorced. But I'm committed to you and I want to see where this goes. I want this to work." I was pretty shocked again in light of his telling me all these months he was in love with me.

About a week later, the night before I left for a week-long overseas business trip, I told him I wasnt sure I could see him anymore. He said "Well I guess I'm really being tested this week" (his wife had attacked him again the day after Valentines knowing we had spent it together). He tried to assure me he didn't mean anything negative by his comment that he didn't know how he was going to feel after his divorce. I said "Well it sounds like you're telling me you might dump me after. Why are you so reluctant to cool things until you're divorce is thru anyway?" "Two reasons" he said "#1 you mean a lot to me.. and #2.. although #1 is most important.. it would be caving into my wife" "What??" I said "What does she have to do with it??" "She is trying to ruin this!" he said "What? Her busting into the apartment?? I'm over that!" "Well I''m not!" he said.

I went on my trip and didn't contact him at all like he asked. When I got back he told me he had missed me like crazy and talked with all his friends while I was gone and told them how much he loves me and asked their opinion about us and that they all said our thing sounded like a good thing. He also said he had been thinking alot about me and our future and printed out and framed pics of me and put them next to his sons (16 yr old).

I ignored his calls a few days when I got back. He left a message finally asking if I didn't want to talk to him, for what reason he coudln't figure out, to just at least let him know. I finally called him. He asked if I wanted to go away the next weekend. I decided to give it one more shot. While we were at a restaurant one night he said he wanted to ask me something he had been thinking a lot about. He asked me if I wanted to build a life with him (later explained it as move in together). I was even more shocked. I didn't know what to say. I fianlly said "What do you think after I told you last month I want to marry you?" "I had no idea what you were going to say and it took a lot of nerve for me to ask". I said it was interesting timing since I had almost broke it off 2 weeks ago. "I've been thinking about it a long time". "Reall? How long?" I asked. "Since the 2nd month we were dating. I just didnt feel it was the right time to ask until now"

I don't know what to think/do.

[King Zarathu]

If he told you he's in love with you as early as the 3rd month, this alone means trouble. Thinking of making such huge decisions in the 6th month makes it worse.

Why put yourself through all of this drama? It sounds like he is simply in a cold war with his wife.

[Converse]

If he told you he's in love with you as early as the 3rd month, this alone means trouble. Thinking of making such huge decisions in the 6th month makes it worse.
Why put yourself through all of this drama? It sounds like he is simply in a cold war with his wife.

I agree with that.

[King Zarathu]

If you want, I'll make a huge banner of encouragement for you. Once you leave him, I'll get everybody to give you a standing ovation.

[Rosebud]

There are a few things here to be cautious about but you need to find out what you want and how you feel. You obvisouly care about this guy becasue you were so upset with him for not knowing what he wanted ealier in the relationship.

One thing to be cautious of is how fast things are moving along. He has already said he wants to be cautious because of his Ex-marriage so this could be a red flag. Because of him still dealing with his Ex and not to hurt you, but you could be a rebound relationship so to speak. One to aid him and help him get out of his bad marriage.

On another note, being a step parent is a big responsibilty. And obvisouly kids are involved and probably see him frequently, and while the child is old enough to understand things. He needs to let the relationship go with the flow for awhile before just moving you in and so on... Nothing against you at all. I just think when kids are involved, parents need to be relaxed when it comes to their relationships and jump into something right away.

[Rob26]

Being separated for 3 years seems very fishy to me. Are you sure he's really separated?

[nebulachic]

He is truly separated. He lives in an apartment 5 minutes from the house they both used to live in that she lives in now. They have a 16 yr old who tried to kill himself last year and just got out of 5 mos of rehab about a month ago.

I asked about the future partner stuff just last month (the 5th month). It was the first time I ever asked anything about what he thought of our future.

About 1.5 mos into the relationship he said "I'm going to be very careful what I say to you and not say things I don't mean. <that was really comforting :roll eyes:> I'm going to try to be very honest with you and myself. There are 2 hearts involved here." He got very serious and said he was falling in love with me sometime between 1.5-2 mos actually. A short time later he said: "I'm very cautious about saying 'I love you'". A week later he said it to me :roll eyes:.. the day after his wife got arrested. He was a mess and I ended up "nursing" him at my place. He said that's what prompted him to say it. He told me: "I thought to myself 'This person really cares about me!'"

So think he when asked me if I want to build a life with him it was just an act of desperation because I said I might break it off?

[Rosebud]

I really think this guy is just confused and going through a hard time in his life. I would still be cautious on living with him. I wouldn't do it if I were you.

Things seem to be moving really fast after he says he wants to be cautious. Which tells me he's confused on what he wants. He may very well be happy with you, but he is still very emotionally attached to his past.

I honestly think all the things you ha mentioned are red flags and I would be hesitant to even get involved with him.

[nebulachic]

I think the other thing that bugs me about all this is that he said the previous relationships he had were just for "fun". One was a 28 yr old woman he had a 3-way with a friend of hers which is something he always had wanted to try. I mean.. he makes it sound like he's all confused and hurting and blah, blah, blah.. but in other instances it sounds like he's having the time of his life. He told me his feelings for me are much deeper though (right.. that's why they might change in 6 months?) BTW.. he toured all over the world with a very well-known musician from age 21-30 and experienced quite an extravagant lifestyle in those days. He showed me pictures. He said he's been with about 20 women altogether in his life. Some were women he re-visited while touring. I don't know.. just makes me more leary.

This sounds really bad I know.. but if he has just been using me (sexually/to get back at the wife) I'd like to hit him where it hurts. It's as though at times I think HE doens't respect me bcuz I got involved with him. Like "OK I told her the whole situation. If she' stupid enough to get involved it's her fault if I break her heart." He said something when I threatened to leave the other night and he begged me not to.. he said something like who would ever be interested in him in his situation? I said "What are you talking about??? You had 2 other women interested in you before me!" Sometimes I think he wants to go out and just **** around but feels guilty/like a bad guy. Sooo.. if that is his GAME.. I'd like to hit him where it hurts. I also think sometimes if we did break up he'd try to make it look like it wasn't anything he did.

He also told me the wife was very jealous and it was a big reason they started having problems. I asked "Did you GIVE her reasons to be jealous?" He said no. But one day he said something about a waitress who 'attacked' him when he was leaving a restaurant when he was married. He said "She just grabbed me and started making out with me. What was I supposed to do? So I kissed her back" Hmmm... right. Like he wasn't probably flirting with her like crazy until that point too. Makes me wonder if his wife DID have legit reasons for being "jealous".

And he says he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body. Well I'm a musician too and he comes to my shows every chance he gets. I get approached by all kinds of people... and guys. He watches me like a hawk... and DRAPES himself on me in those situations when he can.

[Rosebud]

Sweetie, I think there's way to many things that your already frustrated with and you haven't even known this guy for all that long. That being said, this is only the beginning, and many more could come up.

I'm not trying to persuade you one way or another, I'm trying to get you to look outside the box from our perspective on this. He has not once backed up his words by his actions. He has said one thing and then turned around and done something or said something completely different. So I think your right. I think he doesn't know what he wants, and after living all those things and experiencing all of those do you really think you would be the one to settle him down? Not saying you can't. But what makes you different in his mind from all the other flings he has had? yes he says he loves you, but after a month? Something just seems fishy to me and if your already cautious I would stay that way if you want to continue with him.

On another note, it takes two to make a marriage fail. So they were both at fault it's not always just one person.

You really need to sit down and say is all this aggravation worth it? a nd if it's not then you need to end this and find someone with less baggage. Don't worry about him crying or getting emotional. A lot of people use that manipulation as control, and you can't worry about how he will take it if you know it's the right decision for YOU!

[nebulachic]

I broke it off last night. We actually got closer than we've been Sat but I was still feeling leary and brought it up again. He said he wished I hadn't taken his comment "I don't know how I'm going to feel about our relationship after I'm divorced. I can't give you any guranteees" in the negative light I did (yet he even told me his sisters and female friends said they would have felt the way I did :rolleyes: ) We were in bed talking. I said I didn't think I could see him anymore. I also told him I didn't get why he was opposed to stopping dating each other until after his divorce and he said "I'm afraid the momentum will die." "That's comforting" I said. "Don't you sort of believe if things are meant to be they just will?" "Yeah", he said "but how can this keep growing if we don't see each other anymore??" He also kept saying he undertsood I was ending it because he's not divorced yet. I finally said: "How many times do I have to say it??? It's not because you're not divorced! It's because of the comment you made!" He said "So you're going to end this because of one comment?" "Yes." I said "So that's it? We're not going to even talk anymore?" he said.

He seemed really mad and collected all his stuff and then came over to me in the bed. He was shaking and crying and said "I am going to love you for a long time and I already miss you. Call me when you're ready to talk" (and I think as he was walking out the door he said "talk to you later this week")

He left some books that I think were in pretty clear view and his toothbrush.