scared that no one is ever going to want to go out with me - Love Forum

jmb123451985 · #1 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 06:41 AM

As the topic title says, I am scared that I will never be able to get into a committed relationship. Recently I beat a struggle with a long term porn problem - I would look at it almost every day, and this went on for several years. My wake up call came when I found myself getting involved in even more extreme porn and even some extreme behaviours - e.g. I practiced some mild exhibitionism by once when I was at a hotel leaving the curtains open when I was changing. I now view all of this behaviour with disgust. It is also the only detrimental behaviour that I have engaged in - I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, and I always try to treat people with respect. I am worried though that when people that I am dating find out about this, they will be disgusted with me and will not want to keep going out with me. And I feel that I will have to be totally honest with the person I am dating if the relationship is serious, and so keeping it a secret would not be an option. Am I completely overreacting here?

DutchBoY · #2 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 07:25 AM

yes you are. pr0n for most men is something they thorougly enjoy. No need to feel disgusted about it. About the exhibitionism, I fyou think you crossed a line there then that's your call, and good job at refraining from it I guess. About the relationship stuff: That ain't got nothing to do with you watching pr0n. If you get into a relationship and the subject comes up, all you have to answer is you watched (or still watch) porn. No need to lie about it, but no need to go into details either.

#3 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 08:01 AM

Hmmm...

Well, in my opinion, porn is a bad thing when it becomes a compulsion--if you feel the need to constantly do it, somewhat like an addiction. I watch it every day, but I could very well go on without it. When I have homework to do, I'll do my homework first because porn is a low priority, but something to enjoy.

However, you said you were getting into more extreme porn. What do you mean by this? The type of porn people watch reveals things about themselves (or at least, what might be going on inside your head). Were you watching sadomasochistic or rape porn?

Regarding the exhibitionism, don't worry about it unless that too becomes too much. Like DutchBoY said, it's pretty much your call because you know what you did and you're the one that knows whether or not it was appropriate.

May I ask: how old are you? There is nothing wrong with never having a girlfriend or relationship until you're older, it's just a different style.

jmb123451985 · #4 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 10:23 AM

Nothing like that. It was graduating from simple nude pics to ones of sex, not rape or anything like that. Also I'm 21 and fairly shy. I have also been studying pretty hard and have just started my PhD, and so have not yet felt I had the time for a girlfriend.

#5 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 11:09 AM

It seems that what you consider to be extreme are actually not that bad at all. Perhaps your lack of time for a girlfriend has turned your direction of sexual exertion into pornography--which is, by all means, pretty normal.

I wouldn't worry about it. Remember, you're 21, which is considerably young. Once you finish your degree and get a job, start a business, or whatever it is you plan on doing, then you can worry about it. Shit, maybe you can meet somebody later in college...

jmb123451985 · #6 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DutchBoY

yes you are. pr0n for most men is something they thorougly enjoy. No need to feel disgusted about it. About the exhibitionism, I fyou think you crossed a line there then that's your call, and good job at refraining from it I guess. About the relationship stuff: That ain't got nothing to do with you watching pr0n. If you get into a relationship and the subject comes up, all you have to answer is you watched (or still watch) porn. No need to lie about it, but no need to go into details either.

So you are saying that I shouldn't be completely and explicitly honest?

Lynx3 · #7 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 09:19 PM

Yeah, if you're addicted to porn, its a disease. I saw a true movie about a guy who got addicted once...Ruined his life...Lost his girlfriend, all his friends picked on him, got beat up. He ends up in suicide. (He was 15)

DutchBoY · #8 (**permalink**) 29-03-06, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmb123451985

So you are saying that I shouldn't be completely and explicitly honest?

no, I'm saying you shouldn't worry about it. Definately after what you said about what you did watch. I mean most men are, according to your terms, way more disgusting than you are, me included. Ask any man with a computer and an internet connection if he has porn on his computer, and if they answer honestly, I think it's a fair bet that at least 80% would answer with yes. So no, you're not sick. Don't worry about it. I myself would be way sicker according to your standards lol.

Gigabitch · #9 (**permalink**) 30-03-06, 01:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmb123451985

So you are saying that I shouldn't be completely and explicitly honest?

Some people use honesty as an excuse to dump their emotional baggage in someone else's little red wagon. You have to deal with your own stuff.

If I were to meet someone new today, I wouldn't necessarily want to know everything there is to know about his faults.

You know who you should be talking to about it, though? A therapist. If you're concerned that it's out of control and getting worse, you need to get help. just the fact that it worries you indicates a cause for concern.

You sound very sweet and sincere. You'll find someone. It'll be great.

xwfuro · #10 (**permalink**) 30-03-06, 02:38 AM

when you meet the right person they will not judge you for the person you used to be, you have made a change they will love the person you are now and accept the fact that you had a struggle in life, everyone does. youll find the right one

lovesjoyajm · #11 (**permalink**) 30-03-06, 03:56 AM

The fact that you are feeling guilty for something you consider to be unhealthy, and using that as an impetus to STOP the action, is something that a lot of girls (like me) would admire.
For example, I want to wait till marriage for sex; if a guy that I date has been sexually active, and has enough respect for me and self-control to change to a non-sexually-active lifestyle for the purpose of our relationship, I would be honored, and not hold his past against him.

jmb123451985 · #12 (**permalink**) 30-03-06, 05:47 AM

There is one more thing that I haven't mentioned. A couple of years back I peeked on a few girls who were naked. This is again a behaviour that I feel really guilty about, and will not repeat, yet I feel worse because I still see these girls occasionally.

Grohman · #13 (**permalink**) 30-03-06, 06:19 AM

if you'll not stop that thing with porn, you can become a gay

try to be more indiferent, try to smoke(it helps sometimes)

#14 (**permalink**) 30-03-06, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grohman

if you'll not stop that thing with porn, you can become a gay

try to be more indiferent, try to smoke(it helps sometimes)

That is the dumbest thing I've read in this forum today and I hope a mod deletes that post.

Smoking will only help because it will become an addiction that will replace porn and possibly even add onto it. Do NOT smoke, your chances of getting a girlfriend will be even less because of the sickening breath it will give you.

And no, porn will not make you gay. Gay guys do.

jmb123451985 · #15 (**permalink**) 30-03-06, 04:41 PM

Can someone comment on the voyeurism thing though. How many people would be understanding of me having tried that before I decided it was wrong?