Cheated with Best Friend - what to do now? - Love Forum

empleh · #1 (**permalink**) 31-03-06, 02:34 PM

I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 5 years and we have been living together for over 2 years. We are both in our mid 30s. For the most part we have got along well and she has not only been my companion and lover but my closest friend. We have spent much time together, and have been almost inseparetable.

The other day I got news that was devastating.

She told me she had sexual encounters with another man (3 times actually). Not only that, it was my best friend of over 20 years. And, it all transpired at MY HOUSE while I was away working. Not to mention, he has been married for over 10 years and has 3 kids.

If that isnt Jerry Springer material, I dont know what is.

Well after this all went down I confronted him and his wife about it and he flat out denied anything took place. He says she is making it up.

I told her to move out, and now she pretty much has no place to live. Shes staying at family members house temporarilly.

But on phone conversations she continues to swear everything she said is true. She has described many details about the experiences, and says she has nothing to gain by admitting to it.

She wrote me a long letter telling me about how sorry she was about everything and how she wished she could change what happened. She has been crying and is afraid to lose me. I say she should of thought about that before she did those things. Dont ask why she would have done it, nobody knows.

She has no history of lying, cheating, or deceit. For the most part of our 5 years of knowing eachother she has been honest and giving, kind hearted, and caring.

I do not know what to do, They both have their story about what happened, but who to believe. It's obvious that one of the two people would have to be lying, but who?

Getting to the truth is just part of the challenge. But whether to forgive either of the two people I was closest to and trusted with my life, that is something else. I am completely devastated. I had sought counceling at a local hospital but they did not have any one available after hours. I have turned to a few friends about it but still do not have any more answers.

Can you even forgive someone for something like this? I guess every individual is different. Every case is different. I dont know.

Someone told me that todays society is so messed up people cheat all the time, even with the friends of their spouses. They said my case is really not that unusual. Is it?

(You know its funny, as I was writing this letter she had called me 3 times. I answered on the 3rd call (avoided the first two). She said if I need anything at all to let her know. Like food, house supplies, or my back itched.)

All I really want is for this nightmare to be over with.
So many memories with each of them just haunt me now.
Its going to be a long time to heal.

Any advice please?

Gigabitch · #2 (**permalink**) 31-03-06, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empleh

She has no history of lying, cheating, or deceit. For the most part of our 5 years of knowing eachother she has been honest and giving, kind hearted, and caring.

I'm sorry, but no, she hasn't. This is the woman who cheated on you with your best (ha!) friend, which I believe she did, and I think you do, too. That pretty much negates anything good she's ever done. You need to do with your heart what you did with your house: open the door and throw her out.

Your situation sounds like a horrible, horrible nightmare. If you want it to end, you need to end it. I hear you questioning, hoping for some way to salvage some kind of humanity out of these terrible people.

Cut them off. There are good, honest, decent people in the world. You sound like one of them. You're too good for these animals.

pinkpuca84 · #3 (**permalink**) 31-03-06, 10:27 PM

i agree with Gigabitch. u should get both of them out of your life. it will hurt u initially, but it's for your own good for the long run. i've been there....

Smallspirit · #4 (**permalink**) 31-03-06, 10:34 PM

Man oh man, this sounds really messed up, the stuff of films...

For a start, I think you did well in asking her to leave your house, she knows now what a stupid mistake she has made by 'allegedly' bunking up with your so called best friend! I'm just wondering why she told you in the first place. Did she really think that you'd just forgive her? You're obviously not that kind of person, and that's definately a good thing! Another question, is she still involved with this guy? Or was it just for sex? Sorry to be so blunt but I think it's important. Is your 'best friend' hiding a secret from you, maybe he and his wife are swingers or something!! The fact that they completely denied all knowledge is quite disgusting. What has his wife said, is she not surprised about the accusations?!

Anyway, sorry I'm not much help, just some things to think about.

TAVS · #5 (**permalink**) 31-03-06, 10:37 PM

1. Your friend is lying. He's afraid of losing his relationship.
2. Follow your heart; there's nothing wrong with giving second chances

pinkpuca84 · #6 (**permalink**) 31-03-06, 11:31 PM

nah...i think he's just scared of his wife. thats why he lied to u infront of her. obviously he's not scared of losing friendship with you, cos he wouldnt do that (sex with ur partner) in the first place. he's old enough to think before act. get rid of this guy, he isnt ur real friend. and get rid of ur partner as well. she did it THREE times! not just once, okay? u deserve much much much better than her.

vashti · #7 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 12:37 AM

I might be able to overlook a one-time indiscretion, but three times is no accident - that is a pattern.

I'm sorry for you. Some people really suck.

Lloyd95 · #8 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 01:44 AM

What would you expect your friend to say when he's sitting next to his wife?

dono · #9 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 03:28 AM

You have all my pitty. I would throw her out, and never look back. As for your best freind... I would teach him a lesson, but not stop being his freind. He's been there for you for 20 years.

vashti · #10 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dono

You have all my pitty. I would throw her out, and never look back. As for your best freind... I would teach him a lesson, but not stop being his freind. He's been there for you for 20 years.

Are you kidding? Why would you want a friend like that around? I think HIS betrayal was even worse than hers!!

TAVS · #11 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 03:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Are you kidding? Why would you want a friend like that around? I think HIS betrayal was even worse than hers!!

I agree; unfortunately. Disclaimer: I had a friend who slept with a girl I was 'casually' dating. He's still my best bud.

empleh · #12 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 05:51 AM

wow im in gratitude from the shared thoughts about this terrible situation. I want to post a follow up just to put some other facts, feelings, and responses out there.

Never in a million years could I fathom such an incident taking place. But now I have to come to grips with it.

There is some past history worth noting. There was an incident of last year with inappropriate behavior between them two. What I mean is, he was over and I went outside, and apparently there was some touching. I confronted him about it and he appologized and said is was uncalled for. We never discussed exactly what happened, we just both agreed it was wrong. Now at this point when i bring it up he does not agree with what I beleive (and what she said happened). The story is changed. I could go into more detail, but it really would get too lengthy.

So yes there was some degree of problems within his marriage, and his wife was aware of it. She has been suspicious of things before. Not between him and my gf but just his dedication to his wife and family.

Do I think he did it? Well am pretty sure, though not absolute. Again, I think he has more to lose by admitting it than her. Im so pissed that he cant admit it to me!!

He has called me once since then. He didnt show up at my door with an inperson explanation. We had a 45 minute phone talk. He talk about how upset he was and that he didnt do anything wrong. He also made comments that he was so mad he "wanted to have her killed". OMG! - well I really highly doubt there would be any continuing relationships with them two at this point.

I actually could go about my life happilly never speaking to him again. Thats just me. I did not find our friendship that close and special over the last few years. It would be hard to get over being betrayed and lied to by him. But i dont have to have a close friendship with him. I do find male friends easiely replaceable. And rarely do I trust them anyway.

ok enough about him. I dont care.

Now, I hope I am not rambling on past the point where those reading lose interest.

I want to mention some things about her. Yes I said she has been honest in the past. And some here expressed doubt. I do know this because I have been with her pretty much 24/7. She had little contact with anyone else other than me and her sister, and her father. I saw her cell phone records as well. There is no indication she has had any random affairs or made attempts to hook up with other people. She has one been with about 4 people her whole life. That I know for a fact.

One person asked, why would it happen? Thats hard to answer. She cant explain it well either. However, lately she indicated feelings of a lack of affection with me primarily because I have been going through some physical limitations that make it difficult for me to be sexual (with anyone). Id rather not go into detail but it is more a medical condition that causes pain (not an std or anything). But really I do not feel it is my fault that it happened. There is no excuse. And there is more to a relationship than just sex.

Though what she did was wrong, there are details that make it more difficult to "move on", "dump her" or whatever. Over the years, I have felt much love and affection from her. She has done so many things for me. From take care of the house (grocerices, cook, clean, laundry) and gave me great emotional support in any times of trouble. She has listened to my problems (mostly work related) and always shown to care about how I feel. True, what happened does not show care for my feelings. But even she can not explain why it happened. Maybe she needs consouling for insecurity issues, or sex addiction... i dont know. But for right now, even though it hurts so bad knowing what happened, i do miss her. People must think i am an idiot for even thinking that.

Could I move on? Sure. I could leave the state, recolated somewhere, find a new love and new friends, and restart my life. But something tells me I will still seek the (good) things I found in her, from someone else, and somehow come up looking for more.

Still very very confused...

thank you for reading.

Gigabitch · #13 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by empleh

But for right now, even though it hurts so bad knowing what happened, i do miss her. People must think i am an idiot for even thinking that.

Could I move on? Sure. I could leave the state, recolated somewhere, find a new love and new friends, and restart my life. But something tells me I will still seek the things I found in her, from someone else, and somehow come up looking for more.

Then get your ass into relationship counseling now. Get out the phone book and get some help.

I get the feeling she's generally really submissive to you. Would you say that's true?

empleh · #14 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 06:05 AM

submissive? how so?
in a sexual way?

please explain your question
thanks

Gigabitch · #15 (**permalink**) 01-04-06, 06:08 AM

No, I mean that you're the boss of her. What do you mean, you're with her 24/7 and you saw her cell phone records? You've been in her constant company for five years?

I just think that's kind of weird, and it doesn't sound like she's at all independent. It sounds like she's passive-agressive.