she cheating? i have issues? both? - Love Forum

ABnegativ · #1 (**permalink**) 16-10-07, 02:22 PM

So let's call her "Jan" and me "Alex." Other guy is "Dan"

Jan and I have been dating 6 months. We immediately fell in love and we really really are in almost every way perfect for each other. Even our issues compliment each other's issues well.

I got her a job, "Dan" works there. It's fairly obvious to me that he has a thing for her. She's very nice to him saying he's one of her only friends.

My previous relationship was HORRIBLE. i was cheated on, lied to, lied MORE to (really, so much) and then SHE left me (which was a relief.) BUT that left me with so many trust issues, I now continuously check her text messages for signs, after repeatedly telling myself no and despising myself for it. I'm like an addict.

But I've found things like "I can't wait to work with you tomorrow, I miss my Dan time!" and texts from him saying "can you stop by work just for 5 minutes so i can see you?" And tonight, as she was sleeping I see her to him "I wrote you a note! you'll see it tomorrow when you get to work! well i wrote a few but you'll get whichever one i like best, you don't get to see all of them!" Am i crazy thinking this is something she just doesn't want me to see? That she's trying to tell him that she has feelings for him? Maybe didn't know how to do it, that's why there are a few? I don't get notes! am i just so damaged that i can't trust anyone? even the love of my life?

You can answer now if you don't want to read anymore, here's just a little more backstory.

Peppered through all of these texts are usually texts of "I'm just waiting for Alex (me) to get home" and "Alex and i are going to a movie tonight, i can't wait!" so i'm so confused.

and it makes it VERY hard to bring these things up because her ex was controlling and verbally abusive and she talks alot about how he checked her texts in her sleep and would wake her up yelling at her for it. she generally lets me read her texts whenever i want, and regularly tells me she loves ONLY me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. why would she lie? but do people always act like this with their friends?

Charlie Boy II · #2 (**permalink**) 16-10-07, 02:27 PM

Sounds to me like he's dodgy but your girlfriend's either naive or turning a blind eye to it because she likes him as a friend. I wouldn't be too worried.

Lynae · #3 (**permalink**) 16-10-07, 04:40 PM

I honestly wouldn't worry too much. I personally have more male friends than I do female. My ex and I used to argue a lot about innocent things like that. I actually came to realize that a lot of the guys I thought were being nice to me because they valued me as a person really just wanted to get into my pants, but my intentions were always innocent. I think your girlfriend may be a little bit naive, or maybe she knows he's interested in her but she still likes him as a person and wants to continue the friendship. Us women tend to do that sometimes because we feel like we can handle it. Regardless, I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about.

And FYI: My ex used to read my texts, check my phone records, and constantly question me about them and yes, it really hurt me. I would NEVER do something like that. I'd show him willingly if he asked, but the sneaking behind my back was such an insult and invasion of privacy. Watch yourself with that, especially if it was one of the issues she had with her ex. Don't let a stupid thing like that be the catalyst to ending your relationship. Believe me, it can.

IndiReloaded · #4 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 01:10 AM

Dunno AB, that sounds pretty flirty to me. I think you've got cause for concern.

Sounds to me like Dan is making the moves on your girl. If you care, a friendly visit to 'Dan' warning him off might be in order. Honestly, if your girl finds out, it means he told her (which means he's *definitely* on the make). After that, the ball is in her court. She may leave you for this guy (or she may wise-up). But at least you'll still have *your* balls in the process.

If you do nothing, it will only get worse. That's a fact.

Gigabitch · #5 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 02:17 AM

Unless Dan is gay, his interaction with your girlfriend is WAY over the line, and the "I miss my Dan time" thing would have been a BFD for me.

Why are you just letting this slide? Man up and claim your woman. I'm not saying you should go all caveman all over her, but just sitting back looks like you don't give a damn, and that's not the message you want to send to her.

Lynae · #6 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 04:12 AM

Jeez Giga, you're making me sound naive all the way around...with my own problems AND in this post. I guess I have a lot to learn about love & relationships. Maybe I'm too trusting & romanticize too much. lol

Gigabitch · #7 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynae

Maybe I'm too trusting & romanticize too much. lol

Nah, you've just been out of the game for a while. I was like that too. I was with my ex for 11 years and got burned hard right out of the gate after getting divorced. I really hate to see it happen to anyone else.

Don't you think his girlfriend's Dan cravings are just weird? I mean, can you imagine saying that to your boyfriend?

IndiReloaded · #8 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 06:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

Don't you think his girlfriend's Dan cravings are just weird? I mean, can you imagine saying that to your boyfriend?

I thought the 'miss my Dan-time' was hilarious. And him in denial about her being in denial. Doesn't get any better than that for muddying the waters.

Come on, AB. You already know the situation is weird b/t them, else you wouldn't have posted. The question you really want to ask *the guys* is:

What should you do about it?

So ask already.

Lynae · #9 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 08:10 AM

Good point, Giga. The girlfriend's "Dan cravings" are weird. I would never say that to my boyfriend...unless of course I wanted him to break up with me because I was too scared to do it. Maybe she's dropping hints because she wants to get caught. Or she wants to have her cake & eat it too.

Oh boy...maybe it's not all so innocent after all...

IndiReloaded · #10 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynae

...unless of course I wanted him to break up with me because I was too scared to do it.

Bingo! Give the lady a prize.

Now, just turn that gut response on your own situation Lynae, and you're golden.

Lynae · #11 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 08:59 AM

Oh Indi...so not what I wanted to hear. Well, we'll see what happens tonight. I'm not holding back anymore. It's all coming out. I just hope I do it in the right way...

FireAndRain23 · #12 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 12:28 PM

I think the text "I can't wait to work with you tomorrow, I miss my Dan time!sounds like something id text a gay friend of mine "can you stop by work just for 5 minutes so i can see you?" could be my gay friends responce. Lol You should totally ask her how she feels about "dan" and maybe you'll get one of these two answers "hes a great friend" " a fun friend of mind dont feel threatened by him hes gay". Whatever the case may be,if you feel as if this is a lil too friendly,(which i would feel if he was not gay)then you should let that be known.Communication is key dont assume. Hope everything works out well.( trust is earned so dont think you have trust issues,if you just was angry for any lil text or just accused her of cheating and so on then maybe you would have some type of issue)

Masterofmind69 · #13 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 01:03 PM

Your new girlfriend is not your ex just stop putting things in your head. So what Dan and her are friends. Maybe she talks a lot about you with Dan and maybe even asking for his male opinion.

I think you need to talk to your girlfriend not us. Tell her your problem and see how she can help you resolve it. If you can't trust her though then you shouldn't be with her in the first place.

ABnegativ · #14 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 08:58 PM

Wow, thanks for all the help. although i've kindof only got just as confused about everything over the course of the post. i have talked to her, she says nothing is going on, that she only wants to be with me, that she would never do anything with anyone else. That he's just her only friend at work, and one of her only friends at the moment at all (which is actually true.)

I actually brought up this post a little bit ago and she just got angry and said if she was doing anything she'd be deleting text messages. That i can read her texts whenever i want.

okapa · #15 (**permalink**) 17-10-07, 10:50 PM

Man, I don't think you should worry too much... She seems like a nice lonely girl so just make sure she gets everything she wants/needs from you so that she doesn't have to go get it somewhere else.

Make her feel confortable - that conversation probably didn't help it but it was necessary.