Female Authority

Yeah.. so apparently this ****ing topic is still an issue with me. Anyway, to you guys that don't like to read much, here it is in a nutshell:

Dad was an extremely "powerful" and abusive person, Mom was a helpless idiot who couldn't do anything for herself. Mom wanted to divorce Dad, didn't have the balls, Dad ended up divorcing her; tried to financially and emotionally ruin her while he was at it.

Not that I'm asking for pity--shit happens and shit happens again, that's life... So, as I'm sure it would seem to make sense, I have a ****ing HARD time when a female that I'm dating can accomplish something (or have authority over something that I don't) that I simply have not accomplished (not that I couldn't, it is besides the point).

So, what ends up happening is I act normally, but then later on I am filled with an undescribable anger that seems to take over my actions. It would seem abnormal that somebody with as much emotional strength as I have would let emotions take over, but this is something I have a hard time explaining... It's so weird--as I'm saying it I know that it's an assholing thing to do but I end up doing it anyway. I'm never directly an ass, it's always done later with minor things. When I think about it, it's pretty much taking away affection. This isn't fair to anybody, it just helps me feel better and this is a very selfish thing that I need to stop--nowish.

How the **** do I get my subconcious to believe that females with power/authority are an OKAY thing? This is really frustrating me because I turn into somebody that isn't me. I'm not normally an asshole, I'm normally affectionate...

Suggestions?

[BlackPetal]

See a psychiatrist?

Yeah, that's cute...

Next!

[Tiay]

fine then, i'll be your shrink. Try meninpain.com
Kidding! kidding! It's really nice that you're acknowledging it and trying to improve. yay you. After all, if you don't deal with it, you're going to have to restrict yourself to dating girls who can't do anything- and that'd be lame. Usually guys are PROUD that their gf's are skilled and strong.

I have passes to that site. x.x

Sickening.

[Ellynn]

Funny you should mention that, because it seems that if I ever meet a guy with his shit together, I get intimidated. I think he's just gonna move on to something better when it comes along. If, I can't help him in some way, I feel useless in the relationship or that I lack control or leverage to keep him coming back for more. I guess that happens because most of the guys I dated DID NOT have their shit together. So therefore I was the one giving them rides places or helping them find a job etc. I felt useful. Some I actually helped big time, and it made me feel good to help them. Even though I hated the results long run (them mooching off of me) I still felt I had some control. Control over them needing me.


Thats one of the main reasons I don't date right now. *Sighs*, this sucks.

[Illusional]

you want a real answer and none of this bullshit that everyone is giving you?? try sadoism.. that will really give you a mind trip. let her tie you up and spank you like the little faggot you are.

k, realistically.. it's all in your mind. being you have seen men in control all the time, this is something that you're not used to. however, adaptation and comprise will be the keys to success if you want this relationship to work. talk to her about how you feel and see will see a side of you that she didn't really expect, or if she already knows about it, then she'll see that you want to improve your relationship with her. i used to date a girl that tried to control me. she wanted this her way then i got fed up and called it quits. ironically she wants be back, even after i started to treat her like shit. girls and guys are both weird and they work mysterically.

the first step, talk it out with her.

raverboy

[NeoSeminole]

this quote made me laugh out loud.... really.

"let her tie you up and spank you like the little faggot you are."

[vashti]

I think you will find yourself less intimidated by other people's accomplishments (male or female) when you have some of your own. Set some (realistic) goals that have some definite milestones along the way so you can measure your progress.

By the way, lots of males have this problem. I know this because lots of my beautiful, highly accomplished female friends have a hard time getting dates once men find out what they do for a living.

[Tiay]

I suppose there's a sort of favours-balance in a relationship-- like, she helps him move, he gives her a lift, etc. Though it probably shouldn't extend to finding them jobs, or worrying about how much the other makes at work.

So, Zarathu, do you think your problem is caused because you feel unhelpful/useless if she's already got her shit together-- or would you not help her get it together if she didn't have it together, in order to keep her 'below' you so to speak?

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

By the way, lots of males have this problem. I know this because lots of my beautiful, highly accomplished female friends have a hard time getting dates once men find out what they do for a living.

that's messed up, you'd think being accomplished would make them more attractive.

[blue]

this is a good topic!

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

I think you will find yourself less intimidated by other people's accomplishments (male or female) when you have some of your own.

I have too many accomplishments--including a full scholarship as soon as I get out of highschool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

So, Zarathu, do you think your problem is caused because you feel unhelpful/useless if she's already got her shit together-- or would you not help her get it together if she didn't have it together, in order to keep her 'below' you so to speak?

Not exactly, though that's a good guess. I think it's more I feel like (ugh, saying this ****ing sucks) .. well, when I think about it, anger comes from a feeling of powerlessness, so I don't really know where that puts me. I'd have to think about it with a long period of meditation, probably self-hypnosis.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Illusional

k, realistically.. it's all in your mind. being you have seen men in control all the time, this is something that you're not used to.

Exactly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

By the way, lots of males have this problem.

That's cool and all...but I want to be exceptional.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Illusional

talk to her about how you feel

Because of my sexy self-analyzing skills, I just let her know I'm going through some shit with my head and that I'm not feeling right. Done and done.

Quote:

Originally Posted by blue

this is a good topic!

And as for you... you haven't been online in forever

===============

By the way, I'm not really in a relationship with this person. I just said that for the simplicity of the thread.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellynn

Thats one of the main reasons I don't date right now.

Oh God, you're perfect for me. Now I'm scared of commitment. OH MY GOD DRAMA

[Tiay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zarathu

anger comes from a feeling of powerlessness, so I don't really know where that puts me. I'd have to think about it with a long period of meditation, probably self-hypnosis.

hehe, seriously though, a real psychiatrist would probably be better at pinning this down, especially since this is one of those things you can't seem to put your finger on exactly yourself.

ok, so the anger comes from the feeling of powerlessness, and where does that come from? is it triggered when she tries to help you out too much (that is, making you feel like she doesn't believe you can take care of yourself, or something along those lines) OR is it simply her status (that is, career, paycheque, academic accomplishments, etc.).. or both

HAHAHAHA

I'm Arab and I'm a pirate. I don't question my accomplishments/status for a second.

OH WAIT I got it. The powerlessness comes from a lack of power over the female herself! My dad always has power and control over everybody, Mom included! OK the image is getting clearer...

God I love myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiay

a real psychiatrist would probably be better at pinning this down

I've already talked to him about it a long time ago. This is something I want to grab by the balls and pwn myself--with the help of you guys, of course.


[EDIT]
I typed "has" when referring to my dad's control. I meant to type "had." Does this mean he still has control over me? I moved out of his house a year ago due to the abusiveness in like every way... But what does that mean? Am I being over-analytical?