Help! Whats wrong with me!?

[ConfusedDude1]

Ok, I found this site while searching some stuff trying to find answers to this situation. After some thinking, I have decided to share this with yall, cuz I need to share it with someone before I lose my mind!

I just hope you guys can read this and try to understand my situation, give me advice that I can use, and not think I am some kinda pervert. Cuz I am not! I am confused, questioning myself, and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I just ask that you listen and please dont judge me.

Anyways, here goes. I am a 21 year old guy. For the past two and a half years or so I have been working for this guy I know. I somewhat knew him before I started working for him, but not very well. I got to know him a lot better through work. We became good friends over the years. He is divorced and has two kids that live with him. We hang out a lot and help eachother whenever it is needed.

He helps me out with anything I need. Money for school, lets me use his car when mine is out of commission, etc etc. We have a great friendship and would do anything we could to for eachother. I help him out alot. Especailly with his kids. He is a single father and often needs help whenever he can get it. I usually help by giving rides, help with homework, stuff like that. I get along great with him and his kids. I feel almost a part of of the family, thats how much we spend time together.

But recently, things have gotten weird. He has a almost 15 year old daughter (she'll be 15 in about a month and a few weeks). And I dont know how else to say this except to say that I think I have fallen in love with her. Now before you start thinking I'm a pervert or something like that, just please read this whole post and try and understand my situation.

Now I will try and expain this as best I can, please just listen. I guess I started having feelings for her a little less than a year ago. At first I didnt think anything of them. There were no sexual feelings what-so-ever. Just a protective, caring type thing. So I just shrugged them off thinking it was normal "big brother love" type feelings. She has shared alot with me since Ive known her. She doesnt get along great with her dad and for some reason she trusts me alot. Well anyways, with time these feelings I have had, have started to grow.

I tried to ignore them but they kept getting stronger. Now before I continue, I'll give a quick disclaimer. I have never been inappropriate with her. Not physically, or verbally, or anything. Anyways, back to the story. So the feelings got stronger and stronger. Never once were they sexual, but they were more then just a "brotherly love" type thing. That I know for sure. I may not be super expierenced with love and stuff, but I do know that this is love.

The whole time I have been A) Trying ignore the feelings. B) Trying to figure out what is wrong with me C) praying to God that I am not a freak and that these feelings go go away. But the mroe I try and ignore them, the more they persist. i have tried dating girls from my school and stuff, but it doesnt work. I have tryed to fill my time with other things, but it doesnt work. As crazy and as sick as it sounds, she has been on my mind all the time.

After much thinking and "soul searching" I have come to the conclusion that I really am in love with her. Once I realized that, I made a decision that I felt was best for me and my life. I cut off all contact with them. I stopped working for my friend and told him I was having personal problems and I needed some time away from people. I told him I couldnt tell him anymore but I just needed to get away.

So I did and I have been staying away from him and his daughter for a little over 3 weeks now. Unfortunately, that hasnt helped. The feelings are still there, still strong as ever. I can barely sleep. What is wrong with me? It is not right for me to have these feelings. I could never and will never do anything inappropriate with her. But the feelings are still there. Why is this happening? How can I make this go away? Ive tried almost everything. I obviously havent talked to anyone about it. Because its wrong for me to feel this way about a girl who is not even 15 yet, I have been reluctent to tell anyone. This is the first time anyone but myself will know about this.

I just need some other peoples takes on this. I am not a perv. This scares me. The feelings are not sexual. Although I am attracted to her for whatever reason, I am not sick enough to ever touch her. But I do know that I love her.

Whats wrong with me? What can/should I do? I need this to go away for my own mental and emtional health! It bugs me every single day. Someone please give me some advice.

Thanks for listening,
Tony

[XPixiedustX]

Ok well i can't say I've ever been in your situation....but here goes

First off I can understand why you are so worried about comming off as a perv, but you guys are six years apart, I know plenty of people who date/marry people upto 10 years younger/older. I mean if you were say 30 and she was 24..that wouldn't be so bad would it?
But now think of a sixteen year old dating a 10 year old, or a 18 year old with a 12 year old is certainly... wrong.

What I'm saying is at this time dating her would be inappropriate. But I don't think you need to cut things off with her and your friend. If you really love her, then stay her friend, and give it some time. She is very young at 15, let her grow a bit, and then see where it goes. If what you feel for her is real love, and later she too feels the same, then you could date. But at 15 most people don't even know what love is.

Your behavior toward her has been respectful, you haven't made any advances, which is good, and pretty much takes you out of the perv category. You should know that she may never think of you anything but an older brother. But live your life, and please make up with your friend, cuz if your gonna feel shitty anyway, then you might as well feel shitty, and still have your friend, and keep in touch with his daughter. For as long as you feel you won't like start to behave inappropriately toward her, there is no need to runaway.

I say continue to be close to her, and act like you always have, she doesn't know
how you feel and niether does your friend, I don't think you should tell them either...cuz I mean that would make things WIERD!!

Good luck Tony...hope things work out no matter what you choose to do.

[Ellynn]

Out of respect for your friend, I would leave his daughter alone for now. I mean she is only 14. She has a lot of growing up to do. For now, I would avoid being close with her or hanging around her if all possible. Less tempting that way. I know its hard, and YOU don't like it. But, you have to realize what is all at stake here. If her dad finds out, hes gonna be pissed. Thats your friend we are talking about here, and thats just wrong. Plus, the chances of anything working are slim to none. You have to realize that there could be nothing sexual between the two of you for nearly 3 yrs. If you think getting over her is hard, that will be even harder if you end up in a relationship with her. NOt to mention how your friend is gonna feel. What else could you possibly have in common with her? You can go to bars and drink, she can't drink for another good 6 yrs. Shes just starting out in high school. She probably has never even kissed a boy. So pursuing her is NOT a good idea.

Maybe once she gets to be like 18, maybe it would be worth pursuing. But, I wouldn't wait around for that to happen. There are women out there RIGHT NOW that are closer to your age. Try dating them.

[ConfusedDude1]

Dont worry. I have not, and will not, pursued any type of relationship with her. And I am thinking that I will continue to just stay away from her. But I just dont understand how/why I could feel this way? Its not right. It sucks and it bugs the hell out of me. I just dont get it!

[Tiay]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellynn

There are women out there RIGHT NOW that are closer to your age. Try dating them.

he has.
I think we're not giving him enough credit. He did realise that a relationship is impossible and he did move away and try to distance himself from her and he did date women his own age. I say kudos to him for doing all the above. He sounds like a reasonable, intelligent guy.
What he's asking is why/how did this come to be?

And it's really hard to answer that. Sounds like one of those things even experts are still arguing about. My guess is you just got attached to her through talking to her. As you said, brotherly/fatherly kind of love. At this point I get a bit confused- did it morph into romantic feelings? or what made you leave? Don't worry, you are not a perv; you didn't do anything inappropriate. the feeling could just be a "natural"/"primitive instinct" type thing; On an evolutionary timescale, a 14 year old girl is a fertile female who will probably only live till she's 30 or 40. Having said that I want to make it clear that I do NOT support inappropriate behaviour towards minors, and I certainly I find people who take advantage of teens are despicable. I am just theorising about your question of why you have these feelings. Even if she was 18, I would still advise you to steer clear out of respect for her father. Maybe it would help you to talk to a therapist?

[vashti]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you because you are attracted to a 14 year old. They are often physically mature, and emotionally, they often mature faster than males. However, as Ellynn pointed out, that does not make pursuing any sort of relationship with her "right" (and yes, I realize you aren't; I am simply confirming what you already know).

You are doing the right thing by avoiding her. Keep it up, at least until she is 18. I would hate to see you compromise your integrity in a moment of weakness.

[Gigabitch]

Tony, you're a prince. Three weeks is not enough time to get her out of your system- more like six months. just keep with it, and the torture will stop.

I wish there were more like you.

[Ellynn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ConfusedDude1

Dont worry. I have not, and will not, pursued any type of relationship with her. And I am thinking that I will continue to just stay away from her. But I just dont understand how/why I could feel this way? Its not right. It sucks and it bugs the hell out of me. I just dont get it!

Why do you feel this way? Good question. It could be because of how close you are to the family and seeing her alot etc. But, I believe its impossible to control who you have feelings for. I have found myself having feelings for people who I KNOW it wouldn't work out with or people I know it were wrong to have feelings for, but simply couldn't help it. Did I pursue it? No. I knew it was best not to.
But, it seems like you are doing the right thing by distancing yourself, even as much as it hurts. Very decent of you to actually think before you act. More people should do the same.

[ConfusedDude1]

Thanks yall. I am just gonna stay away. I dont know whats gonna happen when her dad (my good friend) wants to hang out or watch a game or something. But Ill figure that out when the time comes.

Right now I just need to deal with these feelings. Cuz I feel like such a slimball for having them. But hopefully, they go away sooner or later.