What should I believe?

[Jackula]

Hi all, I'm a fresh IT grad who have problems figuring some things out. It might be strange but I never seem to take interest in any females on first sight, only after I've known them for awhile and only if we share similar interests. I heard my friends say that once I become friends with a girl I like then all chances of a relationship is gone. Why this is so I still cannot fathom, but it probably means I'll never get into a relationship and will be forever screwed, or maybe not, if you guys can help me work something out...

As a fresh grad I was offered a job away from my home city with a nice salary, I took the offer and on my arrival I immediately joined the company choir and a dance school - a bit of background, I have 3 passions in life, music, kung fu and IT, I took IT as a career because it's the only thing that makes some decent money - anyhow my job in the choir was to play the piano and at the end of my first rehersal a rather good looking girl my age approached me and complimented my playing, nothing too special, when I play the piano there are always people complimenting me, usually the opposite sex, I didn't pay it much heed. After work I went dancing, the dance school is situated near my residence, far from my workplace, and out of all the dance schools out there, she was in this one. The first thing that occured to me was "hmm destiny must be in work here", and she thought it was freaky too. We danced and she seemed nervous.

By moving into a new city I needed to build up my social network, I invited her to lunch the next day just to get to know her - I wasn't interested until about half a month ago - I asked for her phone number (as a friend), I think she took it the wrong way and said along the lines of "I don't know why you need my number, I don't mean to offend but I want to make it clear that I only want to be friends." I told her that's fine and I got her number.

Months passed and we kept in touch here and there, at dancing and choir, she always wanted to listen to me play the piano (my real music, not what the choir gives me), but I never did because I refused to play them at work and only at home, and she couldn't be bothered coming over, or afraid or whatever. However almost two month ago something happened, we were going to perform however my problem was that my music was not perfectly in sync with the vocal group, in one rehersal someone suggested that I should practice synchronisations with just 1 vocal instead of the entire vocal assembly. A few people volunteered right away, but she didn't (instead of saying she all the time, I'll just refer to her as 'Fanta'). However at the end of the rehersal, everyone left, she approached me privately and asked if she could do the 1-on-1 rehersals with me and I agreed. Fanta smiled and left.

The following Saturday was the day I arranged to have the rehersal, I called her up and she said to me "I'm too tired to come", but after a long argument she decided to come, but only if I went to pick her up.

I played for her some of my real music and her favourites were Moonlight Sonata and Fantasie Impromptu. The following saturdays she came quite willingly, and I was quite pleased. During our rehersals was when I started liking her, we talked about music, I showed her my poetry, she sang, I played, she liked to sing to what I played and I thought "Wow, she has a really nice voice", and I realised how similar were our passions. By liking her also made me remember her saying "I just want to be friends" when we first met which got me down so I never considered asking her out.

Fanta drastically changed two weeks ago and I have no idea what event triggered it, the closest thing I could think of was a dance competition in which she was competing, the day before it she asked me to come, and I told her it's too expensive, however on the day I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep for some reason, I got up and suddenly wanted to be there for her, so I went and she was surprised that I went, and asked me if I was staying the whole day (the evening part includes dinner), and I told her that I'm not prepared to fork out $80 for the dinner, she tried to convince me to stay but no is a no.

During the competition she avoided eye contact and spoke to her female friends only, but when I spoke I had her full attention. Occasionally our eyes met and she would either smile or wave at me. By afternoon I was so sleepy I didn't not conversate much at all. When it was her time to compete, she put on her costume, I was amazed how beautiful she looked so I told her she looked beautiful, she blushed, laughed and looked away, for both times when I said it (once for each costume). It also seemed on the day, she didn't mind it when I invaded her personal space. Our hands touched and she didn't back away, she'd slap me in the leg when I made a joke, and whispered in my ear instead of talking in front of me. It was like playing space invaders - literally!

From then on, she has approached me on every occasion when she saw me (I have tunnel vision so I don't look around much), we have been meeting for lunch more frequently, and sometimes even at restraunts and she consistently push for 'a place with better scenery', she has been telling me about her... person things... she seems very comfortable around me, biting her nails etc, and gosh! she sure loves talking! Today was the first time I called her on a weekend, she didn't pick up so I left my phone and went to the bathroom (maybe too much information but there's a point to it), when I returned I had 3 missed calls from her

The recent two weeks has seemed like she wants to take it one step further, however I am also hesitant because of what she said 4 months ago. In this situation what would be the best course of action? Do females often change their minds? Is she just being friendly? Am I dangerously close to becoming 'friends'? Should I ask her if she really meant what she said?

Thanks in advance!

[NeoSeminole]

It sounds to me like she is just using you as her little pet monkey - you playing the piano for her, driving to pick her up, going to her dance competition, complimenting her, etc. Ask yourself "how many times does she go out of her way for me?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole

Ask yourself "how many times does she go out of her way for me?"

Exactly. Telling her she looks beautiful, etc.. You're only being a guy just like the others. I would cut contact, personally. You're looking for more and you've been inserted into the "just friends lololol" list.

[misombra]

you're in the friend zone.

if you want to get out of the friend zone, you need to tell her that you want more than a friendship with her, and if she doesn't want it you have to leave her alone. this takes dedication and perseverance. the longer you stay in the friend zone, the harder it is to get out.

part of the problem is your unwillingness to ask for what you want. have some confidence.

See, misombra has more confidence now because I've given her Rep points. If I didn't, she would still be emo.

[Jackula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole

It sounds to me like she is just using you as her little pet monkey - you playing the piano for her, driving to pick her up, going to her dance competition, complimenting her, etc. Ask yourself "how many times does she go out of her way for me?"

Hmm perhaps I didn't say it clearly, I drove to pick her up because I needed the practice and complimenting is two ways, and she clearly compliments me more than I do for her. However that thought has occured to me, and I have tried breaking up contact, but she would instead approach me... back to square one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeoSeminole

Ask yourself "how many times does she go out of her way for me?"

Most of the time we both have our own lives to attend to. To give up something of what I want to do to be there for her is just too early at this stage. I went out of my way if it suited my purposes, these include:

- The pick up for piano thing.
- Going to her comp.
- Walk her to her car <-- this is a pretty standard thing to do eh?

What I could think of related to your question, my interpretation/misinterpretation of her actions, are:

- There was an employee discount night for electronic goods, I asked her to go, she said she had dancing but could afford to turn up to it a bit late to be with me.
- We work in different departments, mine doesn't have core hours but hers does, when we meet for lunch she sometimes stays a bit longer with me when I ask her to.
- Even when she brings lunch to work, she would still accept my invitation to have lunch at a restraunt (which we each pay for ourselves).
- If she walks into the elevator first, she'd always press the button for my floor.

Quote:

Originally Posted by misombra

part of the problem is your unwillingness to ask for what you want. have some confidence.

Oh I have been planning to this week, planning to go watch My Super Ex-Girlfriend with her and offer to pay (for the first time), then after the movie arrange for a proper date at the lake on Saturday, but as it turned out that movie sucks, so my plan now is to ask when another good movie comes out.

[anhmaimaiyeuvn]

hey Jackula,

Just like to know --- when you go out with her, do you pay food and everything for her or both of you pay separately? How many times have you paid for her?


Oh yah...if you love her and you really want her to be your gf, I'd ask her out --- straight up front. What I heard, don't expect any positive feedback though, it's only going to make you feel dismal. Goodluck!

[vashti]

Quote:

Originally Posted by misombra

part of the problem is your unwillingness to ask for what you want. have some confidence.

I agree with misombra that you need to tell her what you want, and stay away from her if you don't get it, but I am not convinced that she is only interested in you as a friend. I think it is possible she has changed her mind, although all the behaviors you have mentioned can easily fit into the "friend" category.

Don't pay for anything for her unless you are on an actual date, unless you are doing it solely for your own pleasure and have no expectation that she will behave a certain way if you do...

[anhmaimaiyeuvn]

Thx Vashti

--- for reasons I still haven't yet figured out why I always feel like I should pay for a girl when we go out together (as a friend).

So for next time, should I ask her first before treating her something, ie "can I treat you to....?"

I still don't know how it works when girls go out with me cause I'm the person who ask them out in the first place. If I don't pay for them, it makes me feel wierd.

I just don't know why. Please help!

[vashti]

I don't know why you feel weird about it, but you must stop it unless you want to be taken advantage of. It is one thing if you treat one time, and your friend treats another. It is quite another if you are paying all the time with no kind of reciprocation. You have to stop it.

[anhmaimaiyeuvn]

okie dokey! Thx again.

[Gigabitch]

I think it might be a good idea to put some effort into another girl. I know you don't usually like them right off, but you could start dating someone with potential, at least.

Also, if you're making a nice salary, you should be able to afford stuff like the dinner at the dance competition. Could you really not afford this, or did you just not want to? You're already having money problems with her, and that doesn't sound like you're as into her as you think you are, because if you were, money wouldn't matter.

[Jackula]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

I think it might be a good idea to put some effort into another girl. I know you don't usually like them right off, but you could start dating someone with potential, at least.

Also, if you're making a nice salary, you should be able to afford stuff like the dinner at the dance competition. Could you really not afford this, or did you just not want to? You're already having money problems with her, and that doesn't sound like you're as into her as you think you are, because if you were, money wouldn't matter.

Ok then, $80 for a dinner isn't well spent...