Love trouble! Any advice?

[Alison]

Hey everyone!

My name's Alison, I'm 17 years old and I have a really sweet boyfriend. I've known him for a month now and we've only been going out for a week, so we're all 'lovey dovey'; holding hands, cuddling all the time.. you know what I mean.
Unfortunately, he lives a 90 minutes train ride away from me. (We met online; I actually never really believed in finding a boyfriend online, but it just kinda happened..) But that's okay, I have plenty of time during the summer to visit him on his days off.

But here's the problem. He told me a few days ago that he's going to study in Amsterdam next year. He's probably move there too. It takes about 3 hours to get to Amsterdam by train for me. (In the Netherlands you can't drive a car until you're 18, so there's no other way for me to visit him) Even if I could find the time to travel there while I'm busy studying for my exams, I just don't have the money to go there regularly. I'm too busy at school to get a job and train tickets are pretty expensive!

So what should I do? I don't want to lose him.. Is it better to break up before I fall more deeply in love with him, or should I try to find a way to make this work? I don't know what to do.. He's 22, so what if he'll meet a lot of girls his age who are more mature and experienced than me? If I don't end this now, I know I'll probably get really hurt. But I can't bring myself to break up either, I'm just so crazy about him.

Another thing that bothers me: people seem to disapprove of our relationship. He's from Sri Lanka, but he's lived here most of his life. I have never thought of this as a problem, but the way people in the street look at us is so incomprehensible! Why is it a problem if he's got a dark skin? People look at me disapprovingly when I hold his hand, my neighbour has stopped greeting me since she saw us together, etc. Why do people make a fuss about this? Is it really just because of his skin? But that's hardly possible, you can't just judge someone because of something like that.. can you?

Oops, I've been ranting too much, haven't I? I'll cut it now. Thanks in advance for your advice!

Alison

Firstly, I don't think you should base a relationship off of what other people kind. Secondly, I think that yes, you should find a way to make it work--but if you can't do anything about it, you're just going to have to find a way to move on without him. There are plenty of fish in the world wide web.

[thinker]

First of all, I want to say how impressed I am with your maturity and intelligence, especially for a 17 year old! Hehe you get +rep on your first post!

Long distance relationships (LDRs) can be a huge bitch. Distance is a huge factor, and you can't possible understand how hard it is until you are in the situation. I most certainly do not recommend breaking up for what "could" happen... no sense in stopping the hike because you see the bridge is out a mile or so ahead...

I am sorry that the racial issue is a problem... people hold on to these feelings of hatred and superiority form who knows where, and I congratulate you for being open and mature enough to not let it bother you. We really need more young people like you around!

I guess that best thing to do at this point is to sit down (person to person works much better than phone or email) and really discuss (and be honest!) what you both feel and want from the relationship. I would however warn against making a decision based on "oh, he will probably find someone better than me" or "statistics show these types of things rarely work out" but rather base it on your heart and soul.

Hmm... it IS possible that you can get hurt in all of this... just prepare yourself... the world is a sad, hurtful place sometimes... I just can't bring myself to justify breaking up with the guy (whom you seem to really like) just because of the move and just because of the what-if's... beforemy ex and I broke up, we lived across the country (U.S. and only saw eachother every 3 or 4 months on vacations... and even then we were 2 hours away... and we actually made it work for half a year... so it IS possible people! (of couse, distance played a huge factor in the breakup... so I will go eat my hat now

I guess, just talk with him about it. Have a serious heart to heart, and be completely honest with yourself, not with how you think you should feel or how he may want you to feel. Make sure he is honest too... because it would only hurt more if either of you regret having said something... so just tell him what you are thinking... you really like him and don't want the distance and space between visits to stop an otherwise great relationship... See what he thinks and go from there. Let us know how things work out!

[Alison]

Thank you, that's really nice of you!

About the racial thing.. Don't get me wrong, even though it annoys me when people seem to judge us, it's not that important to me. I care more about him than about what people think.

I guess you're right, I shouldn't give up on him if there is a chance it will work out. I won't see him again until monday, he's busy at his job. I will talk to him then.. even though I feel nervous just thinking about what to say to him. But I have a few more days to think it all over, so I think I'll be fine.

Thanks for your advice, it's very nice of you and I really appreciate it.

[Tiay]

distance is a factor. Whether or not a LDR (long distance relationship) is a good idea for you depends on.. well, you, and him, and your expectations. You two need to have a talk about what you both expect will happen to your relationship when he moves, and if you both feel strongly enough about each other to keep the relationship going. just have a very honest talk.. does he want to date girls in Amsterdam? etc.

For me, seeing my boyfriend takes 7 hours in a plane and costs 600 to 900 €, so 3 hours by train would be a miracle for me- I'm not bragging, i'm just saying it depends totally on the persons involved. If you know you can't maintain a relationship at that distance, then just make a clean break and you'll be okay.
keep us posted please

[vashti]

Speaking as a mother, I think it is good that he lives 90 minutes away, since this means it would be difficult for him to absorb ALL your free time, which is a common problem for young couples.

That being said, I don't know why it would be necessary to break things off with him at this point. I think preemptive measures taken to protect your heart at the age of 17 are futile. Everyone has their heart broken at some time.

[Alison]

Tiay, that must be really hard.. Now I realize I'm lucky my boyfriend doesn't live that far away. But you know, this is my first boyfriend, so I don't really know a lot about relationships and what to do now I'm with him. I guess that just makes it even more confusing to me. But it's amazing that you can maintain a relationship at such a distance, that's really admirable.

Vashti, I think you're right, if he lived closer to my home we would probably be together all the time. I understand that's not good, but I hate not being able to see him. Ah well, I guess a lot of young girls are like that.
And you're right about the heart breaking too, but it's so sad to look at your future with someone and realize you can't be together very long. I'm not expecting to marry him or anything, it's just that I don't want this to be a short summer love.

I will go for it and talk to him next week. I hope it'll work out. I'll let you know when I get back. Thanks for your advice, it's really helpful!

pfft

So, I don't get my own little line from you dedicated to me? K then.

[Alison]

Ah, sorry about that..

Well, I don't really care about what people think, it's not that important to me. But it's just strange to see people looking at us like that. It doesn't bother me enough to want to break up with him or anything, but it does bother me enough to make me think about why people do that. But I care enough about him to forget about that, I was just wondering about your opinions.

And you're right, there are a lot of guys out there. I don't have any trouble picking up guys, online or offline, but I don't want them, I just want my boyfriend.. Sorry, never try to understand a girl in love.

[Alison]

I'm back! I just spent two wonderful days and nights at his place. We talked about a lot of things, including what to do when the summer is over. I was a bit worried to talk about that, but I feel very relieved now. He assured me that if we really care about each other, we'll find a way to make it work. Moreover, he seems just as crazy about me as I am about him, so I'm definitely not concerned about him meeting other girls anymore. I think it's going to be hard to reach across the distance, especially since we'll both be busy with education and jobs, but I will do all I can to make it work out.

Thank for your advice! I think I'll be fine for now.

[Gigabitch]

It is so nice to read a happy story! I hope it does work out. If it doesn't, we'll be here anyway.

[vashti]

Yes, it is nice to read some good news. Keep us posted.

[thinker]

YAY!

That's great; you have overcome alot of barriers and now get to experience an LDR! ... eh... it will be a real test, but I am really confident that you can pull through! My biggest advice is to communicate EVERYTHING as well as you can; the absence of body language makes a huge difference, and speaking from experience, it is all too easy to let things go unsaid or implied over the phone or emails, so just be very clear about your needs and feelings, and best of luck to both of you! I really think you will be very happy

[Alison]

Thank you! I really appreciate all your support. I hope it'll work out, but it will be pretty hard. Every time I get on the train and have to say goodbye, I feel so sad it almost makes me cry. I really miss him very much, but I'm so happy when I'm with him. Every day and every night that I spend with him makes me feel like all the heartache is worth being with him.

[thinker]

I really have to say, you are such a great girl! Especially for being 17, was it? The maturity you show is absolutely astonighing and beyond your years. I have no trouble saying that if it CAN work with anyone (and it can) then it WILL work with someone like you! You guys really sound great together, and I am so happy for you! Things will be hard, but they ARE worth it I know you can make it work with no problem at all!

:edit: And I just tried to give you more rep but it said I gave you too much already and need to spread it around first But it's there in spirit!