Best friend help.

[Someguy03]

When I say best friend, I do not exaggerate. Me and her are extremely open with and eachother and tell eachother everything. We also hang out alot (saying "i love you" is a very common phrase with us). We have that kind of realtionship where, for example, this year we went to winter formal together when we both had no dates, and I took her out for valentines day when neither of us had a valentine. We did date for a short period of time in our first year of knowing eachother, but that was too young for it to really be anything of meaning. We quicky went back to being best friends and have been ever sense.

The problem really comes down to the fact that I would have no problem dating her right now, but shes got something going on in her head that I don't understand at all.

Whenever we start to hang out alot, the feelings/urge of dating come back. I've told her a few times over the duration of our friendship how i feel about it, and her response is usually that shes not interested. But then she is quick to point out that we will "probably end up dating later in high school".

Things like "You need a car. We wouldnt have to rely on our parents. and we would be able to see eachother whenever we want" and "You would make a great bf if you didn't have braces. XX had braces and it was a total turn off when i kissed him".

Then I usually go ahead and push the thoughts out of my head and get over her. But I'm getting tired of having to do that. She is always doing things like seeing houses on the street and saying "You're going to get that for us when we get married". We talk and laugh about how many kids we are going to have and what our jobs are going to be and all these things.

Things like that. Is it totally understandable for her to want to wait? Some people I've talked to say that she shouldn't want any of that and it shouldn't matter how old we are and what not, but others think that she might have a good point. I personally can agree on something like the car thing (I hate having to rely on my parents in a relationship. It is the most unromantic and annoying thing ever).

Advice?

[thinker]

Well, welcome first off... I'm not sure how old you (both of you) are, but I imply from the braces and carless-ness that this is around high school, somewhere between 15 and 18ish? Well, that is part of my point. I had a female-friend in high school who I was more or less attracted to who was very lovey dovey and affectionate towards me... as I later opened my eyes and saw she was like this with everyone... Anywas, sounds like the two of you are quite close.

Two points I wanna make here. First of all is how women see male friends. COMPLETELY different than how guys see girls that are cool to hang with but they wouldn't want to date. With guys, its all one ladder. Cindy Lou may be on a low rung (the friend zone) but look she got boobs over the summer and she started working on cars. Up like 8 rungs immediately into the gf zone. With girls, though, there are two completely separate ladders, one for friends, and one for boyfriends. Right now you are on the friends ladder, sorry to say, and it is an extremely dangerous jump over pools of hungry alligators to get to the bf ladder... She says "I love you" and makes the funny, affectonate jokes about the houses and the cars and such because she sees you as a friend. Now, may I say, I am merely 20 years old, and I certainly know jack sh*t about love and life, but EXPONENTIALLY more than I did in highschool even a few years ago. You are caught up in this idea of having a commited relationship with someone you are close to, which is good... but she is toying you around like a string puppet bitch and you let her know you like that, which is bad... Seems to be a very common issue on these forums of people hanging out as friends with someone they have romantic interests in... can I just say that NEVER WORKS... there I said it... I know yall are good friends and all, but maybe less contact would help YOU... because it seems like you are the only one with these deeper feelings... ok, she 'says' you will get married and have tons of kids later, but for right now, I'm going to date someone on my other ladder if you don't mind... Take a stand, man! It's all or nothing at all in this business, so either you need to find a way to change how you feel (minimizing contact would help here) or tell HER how you feel and let her know she is confusing you and ultimately hurting you. She is most likely making you her little bitch because she thinks you are fine with it... DON"T BE FINE WITH IT Tell her that you are your own person, and if she wants to have a romantic relationship with you, then she can come and get it, but you are not going to wait around and watch her go through all these jerk ass guys while you stand on the sidelines watching and having your heart torn out. Honesty and communication of your feelings and needs can solve most any issue! Let us know how things progress.

[Someguy03]

I'm 17. And so, you find the want of a car and wanting to wait until we are older alot of BS?

[thinker]

No, no, waiting is good! And so is a car (my broke ass could use one atm)

What I am suggesting is that she (being a girl in high school) is acting on little whims of fancy and pulling you along a bit... I know you are "best" friends, which is really great, but is just sounds like she is either ignorant of your feelings towards her (though you did say you have brought them up) or just oblivious and still drags you around and tramples on your emotions...

This forum is not a place to get in arguements... I know when I write, I am just speaking my mind; I know that is exactly what I would want from others if I were blinded by being in a situation; you'd be surprised what other people can see from outside without the emotions and background you have

If things are going nowhere, why stay in the car? Now, I think it's wonderful that you are good friends, I really do, but if you want somehting more and she doesn't... that poses a very dangerous problem. You will be amazed at how your life can really waste away chasing this dream and being dragged through God knows what as you sit idly by and watch as someone you cares for disregards your feelings... I am just saying be cautious; don't want to see you getting really hurt, and this situation has a lot of pain potential.

Like I said earlier though (and, like everything, this is totally up to you and open to suggestions and constructive criticisms...) I think you should tell her that you have deeper feelings that friendship for her and that it's hard to see clearly because she doesn't share those feelings, so maybe a bit of time off from her would be a great help... at least I can't see any good coming out of you being close to someone, and just wanting more than anything to be closer, but constantly being reminded that you can't have what you want, which will make you want it evern more... vicious cycle my friend... been there Didn't mean to offend you at all or say anything was "BS" Just speaking my mind and throwing out some thoughts! Let us know how things go...

[lilwing89]

it sounds to me like she is making excuses not to date you.

IMO

not liking braces is a REALLY SHALLOW reason to not date someone.

not having a car is also really shallow; who needs a car to go on a simple walk in the park or maybe the movies or something? its alright to have ur parents take you, if you are a teen in highschool
and by the way, even if you do get a car, you still wont be able to see her whenever you want...(i know from experience)

she sounds like she doesnt want to date you from what ive read. but look on the bright side, atleast she wants to be your friend!

my advice is to forget about dating her. stop asking and stop saying 'i love you' and all that. only be 'best friends' and nothing more. stick to your guns, and if she really wants to date you and really loves you, she will date you.

[Prodigal]

Oh jeez... we have a ladder theorist here... o.o. I don't agree with the ladder theory ONE BIT, but I do agree with the jist of what you're saying (besides the rungs and stuff). Ugh, that theory really pisses me off. But I do agree with you in general, thinker. Someguy, I don't really think she's really serious about what she says. I don't really think she wants to go out with you... like lilwing said, the reasons she gives for not dating are really shallow and seem like pretty flimsy attempts at giving excuses for not going out with you.

I agree with both of the previous posters... I'd forget about dating her.

[thinker]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Prodigal

Oh jeez... we have a ladder theorist here... o.o. I don't agree with the ladder theory ONE BIT, but I do agree with the jist of what you're saying (besides the rungs and stuff). Ugh, that theory really pisses me off. But I do agree with you in general, thinker. Someguy, I don't really think she's really serious about what she says. I don't really think she wants to go out with you... like lilwing said, the reasons she gives for not dating are really shallow and seem like pretty flimsy attempts at giving excuses for not going out with you.

I agree with both of the previous posters... I'd forget about dating her.

Heh! Don't worry, I'm no die hard ladder-ist I read the whole thing online some time ago, and well, you DO have to agree that it does hit a few nails on the head... women and men see "friends" in completely different lights... and it is MUCH more difficult for a women to move a guy from friend to romance than vice versa... I'm just saying that perhaps she is dare I say "using" you to make herself feel good and perhaps even powerful? Does she get a lot of attention from other guys? Sounds to me like she is kindof making you her guinea pig, seeing what works on guys and what doesnt'... either way, yeah if braces stops her from wanting to see you, then she CANNOT be that wonderful a person... sorry bud, think about that one... just stick up for yourself and dont let her trample all over you.

[Someguy03]

I finally through it right in her face and asked flat out, and forced her to answer. And she said she wasnt interested. Oh well, atleast we are still bffs.

[vashti]

I think you should find a male for your best friend because I doubt you will ever get over your desire to date her, and friends don't usually have that kind of hope running through their mind.