Jumped in too soon. - Love Forum

JF1978 · #1 (**permalink**) 31-07-06, 10:54 AM

I am 27 and my 4 year relationship has been ending for awhile now. 3 weeks ago my told me she was moving out. She got her new apartment last Saturday. She starting moving her stuff out but there is still alot of stuff here. We are still going to be friends. She has a son (not mine) but he is really close with me. We lived as a family for 3 years.

The day she moved out I logged onto a personals site and started to write people. I met this awsome person. We have been talking for about a week but haven't met. She had to go out of town for a family vacation. She will be back next Sunday (the 6th) and I am sure we will meet on the 6th or 7th.

She doesn't know that I just got out of a relationship. She doesn't know that my ex-gf (and her son) lived with me. I am trying to get my ex-gf to get her stuff out of here, so it will seem less recent.

I know I am doing everything wrong but I don't want to hurt or lose the new girl.

What should I tell the new girl? I don't know how serious this new relationship is. I think things are moving quicker than I thought. She told me to call her on her vacation and she has called and "text"ed me.

Anyone else jump into a new relationship too soon? Did it work out?

How can I not screw this up?

JF.

misombra · #2 (**permalink**) 31-07-06, 10:56 AM

if you can't be honest then you're not in a good situation.

but 3 weeks out of a 4 year relationship spells rebound to me.

Gigabitch · #3 (**permalink**) 31-07-06, 11:15 AM

At least you're aware of it. I think you need to come clean. You have never even met New Girl, so I think you aren't too late to slow things down with her.

thinker · #4 (**permalink**) 31-07-06, 12:39 PM

Yes, take at least 6 months of no dating/personals/eyeballing hot chicks whatsoever. Yes, 6. You will think you have it after about 2 weeks, then you will fall back in. Then you will fix the mistakes you made and get it the next week, then fall again. It is a complete metamorphasis of yourself that needs to occur before you can start a new healthy relationship. Certainly after a long term one as what just happened.

Tell this online girl the truth; that you were maybe lonely and confused and scared, and tell her you need time alone. If she is the right person, she will wait, if not, then the hell with her. CERTAINLY DO NOT continue any relationship with her. You are not whole at this point and will not be for half a year (ish) PLEASE DO NOT PUT HER THROUGH THIS IT IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO TO SOMEONE!!!!!! By thinking you're ok and being tough guy "bah, 4 year relationship is nothing, I can handle myself" you are not only setting yourself up to be screwed, you are also dooming whoever you rebound with; she has done nothing to deserve a relationship with you that failed before it started. It takes time. A whoooooool lotta time, and it does suck, but you need to fully clear your mind and heart before entering a new relationship. Please don't string any new girls along.

Ellynn · #5 (**permalink**) 01-08-06, 02:57 AM

Be honest! This new girl deserves to know that you just got out of a long term relationship. I know you don't want to scare her off, but if you lie to her and/or use her as a rebound, chances are things will turn into a huge mess.

Get things completely resolved in your current relationship before moving on to another one.

JF1978 · #6 (**permalink**) 01-08-06, 12:42 PM

Thanks for your feedback.

I am going to be honest with her and tell her I just got out of a long term relationship. Its kinda hard to bring that up over the phone. Should I tell her before we meet or the first time we meet?

She really seems like an awesome person. I really hope she understands.

I think we may have a problem because I think I already love her. I want to tell her that I love her. I am hoping that if I down-play the previous relationship, she will not be bothered by it.

I know I seem like a bad guy. It is so hard to do the right thing.

I want things to work out with her. Maybe if we go slow and start as friends, things might work out.

Thanks

vashti · #7 (**permalink**) 01-08-06, 12:45 PM

Everybody on the internet is awesome after 2 weeks, and I don't know about you being a "bad" guy, but if you think you love this new girl after only two weeks, I'd say you have issues.

Frasbee · #8 (**permalink**) 01-08-06, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Everybody on the internet is awesome after 2 weeks, and I don't know about you being a "bad" guy, but if you think you love this new girl after only two weeks, I'd say you have issues.

Oi Oi to that.

Ellynn · #9 (**permalink**) 01-08-06, 01:44 PM

Yeah, I don't understand how you can love her without ever physically meeting her, talking to her in person, and actually getting to KNOW her.

But, when you do meet, I suggest taking it slow. Really get to know her. I think you have an idea in your head of how she is, where in reality she may be completely not what you expected.

If you blurt out that you love her on your first date, that might scare her off. I know it would scare me off.

Anyways, when you do meet her, be upfront and honest about just getting out of a relationship. Then take things slowly from there.

BlackiesHD · #10 (**permalink**) 01-08-06, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JF1978

I know I seem like a bad guy. It is so hard to do the right thing.

You're not a bad guy at all dude in fact you sound like me. The fact is that if something's over it's over and life goes on. You might meet your true soulmate within two hours of ending your past relationship or it may take ten years. Who knows?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I have a different opinion on rebounds. There's nothing wrong with rebounds if handled properly. Sometimes you can appreciate the new one even more after a heartache from the old one. Met my first wife within a couple of weeks after ending a three year relationship. After our five-year marriage ended, I met my second wife within six weeks. Fifteen years later we're all still friends and there have been hints of reconcilation BTW.

My (much) older Brother married his high-school sweetheart, raised three great kids, had a wonderful life and after 36 years she died suddenly. Within six weeks (without looking for it) he met someone new and they're now going on ten happy years. Who's to say?

My only advice would be not to dwell on the past relationship in conversation with the new one. Be truthful, state your case briefly and then drop it. And DON'T tell her you love her on the first date! That would scare anybody off, male or female.

Also, don't get too exicted about the new girl until you meet her in person. I have very limited experience in online dating (I prefer in-person social settings) but of the two dates I've been on one seemed wonderful, my dream girl that turned out to be well, not at all what I expected. The second was a girl who wrote me, I wasn't too interested but agreed to meet her anyway. When she walked in the resturant I about died! Looks, personality, sense of humor, exactly the opposite of what I expected.

Life does not come with an instruction manual...

Gigabitch · #11 (**permalink**) 01-08-06, 11:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JF1978

I think we may have a problem because I think I already love her. I want to tell her that I love her. I am hoping that if I down-play the previous relationship, she will not be bothered by it.

Do NOT do this. Don't down-play anything, and don't tell her you love her, and don't meet her yet because you're going to screw the whole thing up.

This is crazy talk, and you must know that.