Should I keep holdin on to her? Dilema.

[Nice Lover Boy]

I likemy friend, but she i engaged to some jerk. She has been engaged for about 5-6 months. This guy treats her like crap. He lives across the country. We live in Los Angeles, he lives in New York. The only way of communication is the phone. They have a relationship where they break up and get back together. It's been that way ever since. They already had sex. (but she ain't sloppyseconds cuz I consider myself sloppy seconds too then). She said that the only rason she wants this to work is cuz they shared eachother(I know the feeling). But we go out alot as friends. We watch movies and eat dinner together. I enjoy her company and I know se enjoys mine. I stopd calling her on the phone cuz I don't want to mix my image with her fiance since the phone is the only communiction. I didn't want to call mch either cuz don' want her to think that I am all over her. Then she could be able to control me and stuff. So, I also stoped e-mailing her too, she stop writing back. Everytime we go out, we have good times but she always talk about her fiance like their isstill a future. After all those times they argue she still finds hope. And they still argue. Someof her friends tell me to stick in there cuz they don't like her fiance. They also say she don't know what she is doing because she is young(she is 21, he 22, me 22). So, they hope for me to hang aroud and treat her nice so she can realize what and how I am. I am atracted to her and vice versu. So, hat should do? And is their any hope for me?
Help me out people.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Firstly there is very little chance you and her are gonna end up together. Accept that first and if you DO end up together you'll be pleasantly surprised, otherwise you'll be torn up when it doesn't pan out. As far as her fiance, you have to say something. If you really care about her I know you can't just stand by and watch her settle for some prick. Just make sure he actually is being an asshole and you aren't just perceiving him as such because you want her. I guess to sum it up you two sound like close friends, expect that to be the extent of it. But make sure you voice your opinion on this guy, make sure you do it in a non-threatening way or she'll get offended and push you away. Good luck to you, keep us posted.

[IceQueen]

Prediction: she and he will eventually break up, but it won't be you she ends up with. And she will be right.

[jane]

excellent advice.. I belive that you guys are obviously close friends. My question to you is ... if she is engaged? Does she want to be with him or you?
She can only answer that question.

[IceQueen]

Jane is right. I, for one, didn't offer much in the way of advice. But the situation seems to be that a real person -- you, is up against an imagined person -- him. And of course, between real and imaginary, the comparison is not in your favor.

Here are a couple of little things that might help though.
1) You go out and she brings up fiance's name in conversation, like "Well, John said.." and you interrupt with, "Well I am not John." You stop any and every conversation about him.
2) "So, when are you breaking up with the [your favorite offensive term here]?" Annoying, BUT. If she sees you only as a friend, she'll "break up" with you for slamming on her love, but if she has feelings towards YOU, you'll get away with it (which I think is what will happen). Just keep on it. Keep repeating he is a POS. Be sure NOT to say that she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. (She is obviously a masochist, and holding her in high regard would turn her off you completely -- in fact, if you've told her that he doesn't deserve her before, that might be one of the reasons she still ain't with you. In her twisted mind, she is making a noble sacrifice by staying with him.)
4) Do NOT avoid phone calls! Show her that you are not in any way intimidated by him (i.e. he's a loser). Be sure that you don't say he is a loser, just behave like he is.
5) Show her that she is NOT the center of your life. She obviously likes to be treated badly. Grope another girl in her presence, or something. But not too much.
6) Disappear completely from her radar for prolonged periods of time (about a week). Like, screen her calls, don't answer e-mail, don't appear online. You'll see she'll want you. At once.

[jane]

forgive me ICEQUEEN.. when I said excellent advice, I meant Zekk... but you too are right and I agree with your advice too.

[IceQueen]

Sorry, thought you were being sarcastic.

[jane]

nope not at all!

[Nice Lover Boy]

You guys are so awesome, thanks fo putting up with me.
Yeh, I wonder why she still wants to be with this guy? I think one fact that she wants to stay with him is cuz he promised her to get her any SUV she wants; Escalade,Navigator, Tahoe, etc...How can I compete with that? I know she wants a good life and all, so do I, that's why I am still in school. But this guy ain't in school, he is woking at a minimum wage job. How can he afford it n promise it? But the only way I can compete is by being kind and nice to her. She is going out of town next week. She will be gone for a bout 3 weeks. What should I do? How should I act? What should I say as a friend? And I know I should call her for New Years, so I will do that. I also want to send her a song through her E-mail, cell message, and give her a cd copy of thesong cuz she loves it d I ant to leave her a memory of me. I want to take her and her sister out to eat this weekend. Is that wrong? Last time I took them out, we connected and we both felt something, I know we did.
Facts out her, she loves hip hop music, she is really sensitive. She is really smart, she will know what people are trying to do.(She might know that I like her too, but she doesn't want to think she is wrong) She is a smart cookie.
well, hope to hear from you guys soon. I hope I didn't forget anything else.
Thanks guys.

[GigaloDJ]

"Nice Lover Boy".

Wow what a screen name. Three-in-one of complete...

....You are doomed.

[Nice Lover Boy]

Gigalo, you are not helping. By the way, why are you in search for me? You've been going around, huh? And the name is just a name. Couldn't think of something else.

[IceQueen]

Quote:

I think one fact that she wants to stay with him is cuz he promised her to get her any SUV she wants; Escalade,Navigator, Tahoe, etc...

And let me guess -- you have been paying for both her share and yours when you go out for dinner and at the movies? I'm sorry to say this, this might be one of the reasons she is your friend.

I know, it must be hard to believe she is taking you for granted, because she seems so grateful whenever you do anything for her that you actually enjoy doing it! However, if you look at her actions, you will see she's using you.

Again, do not call her on New Year's, do not send anything, just disappear! Let her come to you.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

Quote:

Originally posted by GigaloDJ
"Nice Lover Boy".

Wow what a screen name. Three-in-one of complete...

....You are doomed.

You've already said this in his introduction. Why do you even post this kinda dribble?

[Nice Lover Boy]

Yeh Ice Queen, you are right. I have been the buyer for our entertainment. But I so afraid that she might not call me. There has been times when she has called me but I wasn't home. Therefore she also has this conscience that she probably thinks that I am home and didn't want to get the phone cuz we both have caller ID. Like she called me last monday, and no one was home, then when we talked, she didn't mention that she called me. She use to call me a while back. She would ask me,"did you, umm, e-mail me?" in a sorry way like she was expecting me to say "yes I did" but I didn't and from that very same day, she stop writing back, funny huh? I guess back in the day(like a month and a half ago) I didn't see her as my adorable sweetheart. Until we started hanging out some more, that's when that fat cubic hit me.
I just afraid that she might forget me and never call me back. Cuz I told her that I would always be there if she needed anything.
Any other advice or majestic act I could do to have her come-back to me?
Oh yeh, I gave her a X-mas gift, I didn't get one from her(she doesn't have a job right now, she stays home all day long), but I sent it through postal mail. She was very surprised to get it from me. She said, "I was so surprised when I received it". She said that she wanted to call but she though that my I would be busy with my family on the holidays.

She's engaged. That's that. Perhaps there is a future with those two.

I'm sure you two will remain friends. Hold on to that and be happy with it.

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