Is the new love worth it? - Love Forum

lostandinlove · #1 (**permalink**) 01-10-06, 06:54 AM

I have recently developed a strong emotional attachment to a woman I work with. I have been spending some time with her at work. We have been talking and getting close(putting arms around each other). I know I love her and I know she cares for me. I can't stand to be away from her and wait for the next time we meet. I can't stop thinking about her. We talk but I never say those 3 little words even though I want to so badly. Should I tell her?

Before you say yes or no hear this. I am 26 years old and I am living with my girlfriend of 7 years with our 6-year-old son. I do care for both of the but our relationship is 'on the rocks'. We have came close the seperating several times. I am not happy in my current relationship but am not sure if I am ready for this big of a change.

Also the woman at work has a boyfriend and children of her own.

I am in need of serious advice.

vashti · #2 (**permalink**) 01-10-06, 07:13 AM

I think you should resolve your relationship issues with your girlfriend one way or the other before you even THINK about this other woman. No, you should NOT be telling her you love her or making any plans with the new one until you are finished with the old one. You owe this to your kid, and no good relationship can be built upon the misery of others.

Mathias · #3 (**permalink**) 01-10-06, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

I think you should resolve your relationship issues with your girlfriend one way or the other before you even THINK about this other woman. No, you should NOT be telling her you love her or making any plans with the new one until you are finished with the old one. You owe this to your kid, and no good relationship can be built upon the misery of others.

Yep, nicely said.

It's not fair to EITHER woman, nor yourself, if you pursue this without resolving the relationship you're already in.

Gigabitch · #4 (**permalink**) 01-10-06, 09:43 AM

Yeah, you're playing with fire. She seems perfect because you don't have real life problems with her. Puruse this, and you will.

hitch · #5 (**permalink**) 01-10-06, 12:31 PM

Is her boyfriend bigger than you are? Just kidding...

Yeah, resolve the issue with your girlfriend first. I'm sorry to say though that you have to think about your child too before jumping into another relationship if the one you are in doesn't work out. How is he going to react to another woman besides his mother? I know he's a little bit older, but it may be traumatic for him just the same...and confusing as hell.

lostandinlove · #6 (**permalink**) 02-10-06, 02:37 AM

I do appreciate all your replies. I really needed a place to talk about this. I think the only reason me and my current girlfriend(one I have child with) stay together is because of basic needs. She needs my income and right now I am without a driver's license or a second vehicle. I don't want to leave them without knowing both me and her can survive on our own. I do think in the long run we would be better apart. I know that as a father and an adult the child and his mother are my responsiblility but are they really better off if we are not happy together? We try to make it work but it only seems to get worse in the long run.

I know I shouldn't jump in with this new girl right now. I don't plan on it even if me and my current girlfriend split up. I'm gonna work on getting debt caught up and a second vehicle for now that way if me and my current girlfriend go our own ways we'll be able to do so. I do want us to part on good terms. With this new girl I think I will just see where it goes and let her make the first moves. If it gets to where a relationship may develop I will let my current girlfriend know.

I feel kinda bad for talking this out online but I really have no one else to talk to this about. I have friends but can't see them because of my current girlfriend's jealousy. I have not cheated on her the whole time we have been together but am always accused of it. I think trust is a big issue in my current relationship. She cheated on me when we were first dating with her ex. She moved in with him and his wife to 'be closer to me". This bothered me for a long time because I didn't even know if my kid was mine. I am as over it as one can get over it. I don't ever bring it up with her. There really isn't much trust between us and you can't have a relationship without trust.

Anyway, sorry for the long winded post but I gotta vent and when it rains it pours.

Lewski711 · #7 (**permalink**) 02-10-06, 06:37 AM

Sorry, but you need to deal with your current relationship before you open a can of worms by telling a woman with a boyfriend and kids that you love her. If you really love this woman, then you'll love her next month. Deal with your current situation. You live with the mother of your six year old child. Before you toss this out the window, get the other woman out of your head and look at your current relationship for what it is, not comparing it to this new relationship you want.

Long-term relationships get stale. ALWAYS! The excitement and passion fizzle because the chemicals that are released during the first few years of a new relationship dwindle out. That's why so many relationships go through the "seven year itch". The interesting thing is that many people who become bored in a relationship neglect to see what it's become. Often, passion and excitement are replaced with stabilityt and comfort... true love. Tru love is so much harder to find than excitement.

So, before getting rid of this family you've created, try to assess if it's love, but just a boring love. Because, if it is, I swear to you, you can bring back excitement and passion to an old relationship. It's much harder to bring love to a new relationship (even if you "feel" it is love). If you need help with bringing back passion all you need to do is bring romance to your relationship again. There are so many sites online that can help with that (CouplesCommittedToLove.com or LovingYou.com).

If you find that you really have fallen out of love, then deal with the woman you're living with and your child. They come first. Once that's settled, come back and ask for advice about those three words. But, before then, make sure you're not making a drastic mistake and hurting people you don't have to.

Good luck.

derm · #8 (**permalink**) 02-10-06, 07:02 AM

America's Romance Guru eh......we got a pro in our midst

Welcome Lewski but unfortunately the crowd here don't like real advice. You gotta tell them what the wanna hear or your in trouble.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lewski711

There are so many sites online that can help with that (CouplesCommittedToLove.com or LovingYou.com)

Promoting your own website....and with such subtlety

Gigabitch · #9 (**permalink**) 02-10-06, 08:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandinlove

She moved in with him and his wife to 'be closer to me".

That is so freaky. That is some ass-backward logic, there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandinlove

There really isn't much trust between us and you can't have a relationship without trust.

Well, you're not really having a relationship, are you? You're having a commitment. It's not about her, anyway, or it shouldn't be- it's about the kid.

Does the kid trust you? What about that?

lostandinlove · #10 (**permalink**) 02-10-06, 09:15 AM

I do I agree that most people want to be told what they want to hear and not the facts. Honestly a part of me wants someone to say "take the new girl, it's worth a shot". But I know that's not the right or responsible thing to do. In reality I just needed to say what's was on my mind and in my heart.

I do wonder everyday if me and my girlfriend are still in love or just 'committed'. This is the main reason I have stayed. I know it would be a waste to throw what we have away. But I wonder if I only stay because we have a kid together.

Everyone here has helped me out a lot. I think for now I will stay in my current relationship and try to be good friends with the new girl. I still plan on getting my own car and trying to get out of the house alone sometimes which nevers happens right now.

I wish love was like the movies. Find true love and live happily ever after. 'True Love' like that last a few years at best then life sets in. The bills, The kids, The resposibility and commitment. Then along comes 'True love' again. But is it worth starting over form square one. This is where I a sit.

This is lostandinlove signing out for now. Still lost and in love but now I have somewhere to ask for directions. Maybe someday I'll find the right direction. Until then I welcome your wisdom and guidance.

vashti · #11 (**permalink**) 02-10-06, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandinlove

I do wonder everyday if me and my girlfriend are still in love or just 'committed'. This is the main reason I have stayed. I know it would be a waste to throw what we have away. But I wonder if I only stay because we have a kid together.

Don't knock it - this is a perfectly valid reason for staying together, assuming you two adults can be nice to each other. Kids tend to do better when their parents are together barring extreme circumstances.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostandinlove

I wish love was like the movies. Find true love and live happily ever after. 'True Love' like that last a few years at best then life sets in. The bills, The kids, The resposibility and commitment. Then along comes 'True love' again. But is it worth starting over form square one. This is where I a sit.

It sounds like the responsibility of being an adult is what is getting to you.

lostandinlove · #12 (**permalink**) 08-10-06, 03:59 AM

Ok, so here is the final part of my story.

First off, I've been spending more time(at work) with the new girl. Now there is a issue I have to tackle. My girlfriend has noticed that I am smiling more and acting a lot happier. I haven't really smiled much in years. She suspects a new girlfriend. I know ALL my fault. But this isn't the main issue. I am at the point where I want to ask the new girl what she wants to happen between me and her. Oh, by the way she no long has a boyfriend. Once I know what the new girl wants I will be ready to confront my current girlfriend with what is going on.

I am willing to take steps to end my current relationship and start a new one with the new girl. I also will not do this over night. I want everything to go as well as it can for everyone involved. I plan to be either dating/married to the new girl or single in 2 years time. I will still visit my son and pay whatever child support I have to. He will go with his mom because I know he'd be better off with her.

I know many will say this is the wrong thing to do and believe me I do not take any of these steps lightly. All I ask for now is honest opinions on my decision and closure of this chapter of my life.

vashti · #13 (**permalink**) 08-10-06, 04:12 AM

You want my honest opinion? I think you kind of suck. Decent men don't go around making plans with new women when they are obligated to someone else, and that is ten times more true when there are kids involved. You are very, very selfish. You should have taken care of the first girl first, and THEN pursued the second one.

Ah, but what goes around comes around. You'll get yours.

PS - don't ask a question you don't really want the answer to.

Gigabitch · #14 (**permalink**) 08-10-06, 04:19 AM

Well, you're gonna do what you're gonna do. If she's single now, that's half your problem solved.

Be really careful with your babymama. I think she sounds a bit unstable. My advice: If you're going to leave her, have your decision already set in stone, be concise and clear, and GO. Don't waffle around, trying to "take care of her feelings". You're breaking up with her. Her feelings aren't your concern any longer that's what breaking up means.

lostandinlove · #15 (**permalink**) 09-10-06, 05:31 AM

I know many will criticize me for leaving my current girlfriend but they do not know the whole story. We fight all the time about everything. It is to the point where we ignore each other just so we can get along. It was when we started fighting in front of the kid I decided things need to chage. That was a couple of years ago. I have not had the resources or 'balls' to leave. I think that I am close to a point where I can strike out on my own.

I know I want to start a relationship with the new girl but not today. When I say I would like to have a relationship with her I mean when I have already left my current girlfriend. I will most likely remain single(living alone) but start dating the new girl.

I can't see how wanting to leave a relationship because no one is happy(me, girlfriend, kid) makes me 'suck'. Please get all the facts before critcising me. I don't ask for anyone to take my side but please find out the whole story before you cast judgement.