tragic fate'too early seen unknown and known too late'

[Killerbabe]

too late...too late.
I realized that I love him only when we parted...
How could I have been so impermeable...so terribly unpenetrable?!
I know...my own fault. Illusional, you know the whole thing.

Today it was his B-day...he turned 23. He invited me+some close friends(4 guys), and although he has a lot of really good female friends, he invited me. Even now, he keeps telling me how special I am. He shares everything first with me...he cares for me so much...he always takes me home although we don't go out anymore...we're great firends. Very close. I trust him infinitely...
After we were done with the food and the movie, we all went to play basketball...it was like 10pm then. Needless to say, it was pretty wet outside, and the ball got pretty dirty...
So we were playing basketball(we were both ever so flirty!), and he never misseda chance to touch me, or hold me close(as if for the game)...and I thought I'd die of the sudden passion which overwhelmed me towards him...
then, the ball suddenly hit my face(just a little), but my face got sorta dirty, and I stirred my cheek over his chest...
Now, I know that might sound really gross, but of course our hands were sorta dirty and wet from the ball...and he just wiped his hands over my face on purpose so that I would wipe my face over his chest...so I did. And for once throughout those two weeks we were standing so close almost hugging each other-me gently stirring my face against his chest...and I KNOW he liked it...he even told me afterwards
And what am I supposed to do now?..I love him- and I finally understood that I did. Not like all my other crushes...my heart is tearing apart, and I want to hold him close...that would be enough.
"too early seen unknow and known too late"....I was afraid of loving him when we were dating, and i realized that I love him only when we parted...isn't this ever so tragic?...

[Illusional]

other that what you should do, i think it's more what you shouldn't do. i bet you always feel that you have to make the sparks happen but honestly, if something were meant to happen, then by all means it will. sometimes you just have to chill and see what the outcome is. it may be the one that you like and it may not be, but something you just have to let time take its course. raverboy

[Killerbabe]

Well, yeah, sure, gotta represent!...He's gotta realize how much he likes me, right?...
I constantly catch myself daydreaming about him...needless to say, ALL my dreams are about me. I guess I didn't really love him like I do now when we dated.
And one more thing: I am constantly afraid of losing him. What if he sees another girl? Although he told me that he can't be really into somebody else because he still likes me, I still dread the thought of him finding another girl.
Moreover, I am afraid that if he finds another girl, I will never love anyone else, bacause it's just impossible- he will always be there in my dreams...because he is a dream come true. i never thought I'd meet quite the same wonderful person in my life. Among all the other males, he's different. I know for sure that he would never cheat on me...We really agree upon most people disagree...we like the same things...
No, I just can't afford to lose him!! I will never get over it!
I mean, he's like really really picky about girls and everything, but why did he even go out with me then? there must be something about me then! No, he's gotta love me! Why doesn't he?! Could somebody really not love somebody when they care so much for them, when they're great friends, and are even "soulmates"?! We are, so how come he doesn't love me? I don't get it!

[angelface]

Hey girl, I was in your shoes once...and the way I see it you are obviously head over heals in love with him. But I just want to suggest that you let time take care of it, don't rush into it. Look at yourself 70 years down the road and ask yourself if the two of you are headed in the same direction. Also, be honest with yourself, and ask yourself why you were afraid to fall in love with him while you were dating him. It could be that it's easier now just because you're not together. Anyway, then, he's gotta feel the same way about you, and if it is meant to be, it will work out. And if not, I know it is SO much easier said than done, but try to not fret about it too much, and know that you will find someone just as wonderful, if not more wonderful, if you take care of yourself first and can learn to be happy without him. Guard your heart...it's the only one you've got!

Angelface

[Killerbabe]

I don't even know why i didn't love him as much as I do now back then...I know, it sounds like I just want him back, but the thing is i really do love him... :cry: It's really weird the way i feel- I feel both happy and sad. happy because i love him, and my heart is full of tenderness and passion towards him...I love him more and more with every breath...I just have this burning for him...I love him so much.
I mean, I just...really, i could go on and on, how much i love him, and what a torture it is to stand next to him, not being able to show him just HOW much i love him.
This is insane...it's not like infusion or infatuation, I just love him, that's all.
And actually, I would want to marry him...I guess that would be very soul-comforting, because he is everything i ever wanted, and I just fel really safe with him...and besides, like i said, i love him.
This is mere inquisition...but one thing though...he probably doesn't know that i love him. But telling him wouldn't even change anything...because HE doesn't love me like he would want to love someone. Or does he? Does he, does he not, I don't know...but definitely he likes me, and cares aloooooooot for me...which could be...no no.

[Killerbabe]

Ok, so it turns out things are even worse than I thought!!!
LOVE and WANT are not the same thing!!!!!
No, it's not like I just realized but I guess I did sorta forget...no I just never thought of things that way. I just thought that if a guy WANTS a girl, he must be attracted to her...and all that chemistry stuff. i also thought if a guy WANTS a girl, then he definitely must LIKE her at least. I mean, you guys want almost any girl, but you sort of don't demonstrate that to every other girl...right?!
So it's like so terrible...the other day, my ex invited me over to his place to watch footie(Russia vs. Japan), and it was all great we were just sitting on different couches and talking to each other and watching footie..so then they lost and we watched "Friends" (he's ot a tape), so then i said i'd better go, and we were already saying good-bye, and then...............
......................he suddenly kissed me.

OMG!! that was the most passionate kiss ever in all of my life!! i thought i'd die of the sudden overflow of emotions. Needless to say, that was awesome. It was the first kiss ever since we broke up and I realized that I love him. I wonder if he noticed the change in me...
So then we were standing and passionately kissing at the door, and then he asked me whether I'd like to stay..so I did.
Later on, we just wrapped up and I went home, and he dragged along, cause he had to go somewhere else too. So then we were walking and there was this intense silence. Then he apologized for "taking what he wanted right away"...I didnt say anything, because I was mightlily offnded! he just treated the whole thing as a MISTAKE.

Then I just went to the nearest mall to "restore myself" , which is literally to "eat some chocolate". I was really collapsed. Have I been USED?!
I couldn't even resist him, no I just couldn't. I hate myself.

NO! he didn't do that because he was IN LOVE with me. He just WANTED me. Ugh.

To make things worse he dissapeared for two days. Needless to say he's got ten million ways to contact me. Cellphone, sms'ing, ICQ, e-mail...not to mention my phone.
Then yesterday he called me, and again...AGAIn, I just couldn't resist him. WAAAH! I promised myself i wouldn't talk to him for a week AT LEAST, and then I just forget about the whole thing withing two seconds, hearing the same dear voice! We never mentioned the incident.

I told my older sister everything, and she said that the whole thing is MY fault. Like what was I expecting when i where the things i wear, when i wear make-up. She just accused me of provocation.
Well, like any girl I do wear make-up and normal clothing, but goodness I'm not a whore. what some people say about me is that i don't do anythin to be sexy or anything, it's just here. i flirt but in reality I don't. I just don't realize the fact that i avtually do. It's just there- naturally.

So he just WANTED me?!

[MVPlaya]

Nothing tragic about that.

[Killerbabe]

You completely missed out the point. Anyway, why did you dig out my dark memories.

[MVPlaya]

Quote:

Originally posted by Killerbabe
You completely missed out the point. Anyway, why did you dig out my dark memories.

I wasn't looking for your dark memories. I was just checking out the old threads, yours happened to be one of the many.

[Killerbabe]

I didn't say you were solely digging out MY dark memories...