Lover's smoking habit- why does it bother me?

[Tracy21]

I'm 21 and in college. My boyfriend whom I met here is 22. We have a very affectionate, loving, & great relationship.

We first met when I was a freshman, and he was a junior. The first two years he had been at school, he had basically done nothing but partied. No serious girlfriends or anything like that, he just drank a lot and did MAD drugs. Acid, herion (never injected though), and more than I really want to list. He was a total junkie, not sleeping or eating for days, just waking up, snorting some heroin, and sitting in front of his computer all day. Never went to class.

Well I'm a total straight edge. I'm not one to pass judgement, I just never had any desire to get involved in the drug scene. Luckily for our relationship, my boyfriend had matured to a point in his life where he was sick of the drug/party scene, and was ready to give it up for something new. When his best friend died from an OD on herion, he left everything for good.

All except smoking cigarettes and the occasional beer. Now I guess I should be happy that he left all the drugs behind, but for some reason the cigarette smoking bothers me. Alcohol doesn't really though. He's struggled with quitting smoking since we've been dating (over a year and a half). He promised me time and time again he would quit for me, but I think now that he really just has to want to quit for himself. Plus I'm not trying to be a control freak here! I try not to harp on him for breaking his promises. Though sometimes I used to get very angry with him, and not talk to him when he smoked. But now I try to just shrug it off. He can tell that it bothers me, and he usually apologizes. But why should he? It's his life and his decision, I hate when he says I'm a control freak.

Now what I'm really trying to understand here is why exactly does it bother me when he smokes? He doesn't do it often. And when he does, he always is sure to brush his teeth before he approaches me. I've only actually seen him smoke once, it's never around me. The fact that it is bad for his health is one smaller issue. There is something more that I can't really describe. It's like, whenever I smell a hint of smoke on his jacket, or he outright confesses he had one, I feel like someone just stabbed me in my stomach. I feel betrayed. I feel like he is holding on to part of his past that I can't know or understand. I feel like he is indulging in something I will never take part in. It really makes me sick and upset, but I can't quite understand why. Why does a cigarette make me feel betrayed? Everytime he tells me he had one, I feel like he's having an affair, the cigarette being the other woman, and I feel so misplaced and so hurt when he tells me he went to see her (err have a cigarette).

Does anyone have any commentary? Has anyone ever felt this way? How can I come to better accept this? Is it wrong to outright ask him to stop?

[thedogsayswoof]

I am not to sure why it is that you feel this way, but I can say that I agree with you 100%. When ever Roy, my boyfriend, smokes I get really irratated and it is almost like i feel betrayed. I myself cant quite figure out what it is that makes me feel this way, but I try not to dwell on it too much. Good luck in finding out more about this, sorry I couldn't be more of a help.
-Sara

[jerzygrl]

i can totally relate to how ur feeling.... my ex only started smoking ona regular basis after we started dating... he was goin through some rough stuff and picked up the habit. i felt the exact same way-- betrayed. there were times when i just wanted to cry. I have nooooo idea why. nothing about it really bothered me but i just felt... i dont even know what i felt. then again, i felt the same way when he would smoke weed. That really doesnt bother me either (when my friends or family do it) -- these things would just kill me when he did it....

to this day, i still dont understand it...

good luck

[BillyGalbreath]

Cigs are harder to quit than people think -- I have been smoking since I was 13 - I have tried to quit but every time i try i just end up smoking more in the long run -- so I just gave up trying to quit - I smoke about 1.5-2 packs a day now... I had a girlfriend that did not like me to smoke when I was 16-18 and this was the first time i tried to quit... it just got to a point where I realized i really dont want to quit no matter what anyone says so I just told her that I respect her feelings about the issue but I am not going to quit.. I told her i wont smoke around her. We eventually came to a good compromise.. She let me smoke around her but I had to smoke light cigs... it wasn't that bad because she said I can smoke more of the lights than the regs... when we broke up i went back to regs.. hehe -- but I dont see what the big problem is about smoking... If someone wants to smoke let them.. you can ask them to go out side or something, but asking them to quit is like asking them to change there life for you... instead find a compromise thats comfortable for both parties... Thats how I have done everything with my relationships and it seems to work to a certain extent...

[Tracy21]

Quote:

If someone wants to smoke let them.. you can ask them to go out side or something, but asking them to quit is like asking them to change there life for you...

I fear this. And I certaintly don't want to change who he is. I just can't understand why I get so upset and feel betrayed to a cigarette. ::sigh::

Thanks for the great commentary guys!

[Illusional]

true... this is like a bad habit that is really hard to give up. personally i doubt that many people can actually give up smoking. there are many bad habits that you also have which he doesn't like, but i doubt that he points many of them out to you. you will have to be more accepting and just accept the fact that it's hard for him to quit smoking reguardless of how much he may want to. raverboy

[Pretender]

I can't really feel what you are feeling because I have never dated a smoker but I think my dating testament might help you. Of course you're case isn't this extreme but it can still apply:

you dont fall in love with the person you fall in love with the image you created of that person, and as soon as something taints that image you find yourself disgusted with the person and yourself for having been so blind. And more than often it's hard to fall back in love with them because the image is and always will be tainted.


Now you still love him but everytime he smokes he is not the image of him that you want him to be. I'd be thankful hes only smoking honestly but I would never date a smoker because I can't stand the smell on their clothes and breath but thats just me.

[Tracy21]

very true pretender

[Illusional]

yes that is also very true. i still feel that with this image, time does take it's toll to change everything. with every relationship people do change for the good and the bad. but it's up to the couple to react to this test because every change stresses the relationship. i can understand how you feel about smoking because i hate the smell of smoke and i would prefer not to date a smoker, but was this person a smoker when the relationship started? if not, then both of you are really going to have to work with this problem to solve it together. raverboy

[BillyGalbreath]

I honestly dont see the problem of dating a smoker.. but maybe i feel this way because i am a smoker myself... But If I were to quit smoking I would still date a smoker - it does not bother me at all... But thats just my opinion - I could be wrong

[Illusional]

well i used to smoke a lot then i decided it wasn't really worth all the trouble. on a day to day basis, i don't smoke. however when i'm really really drunk, i'll have half a cig or something. but i still think that the smell of smoke bothers me. i hate it at the bar or especially on your clothes. i will put up with it, but i'd rather date someone that didn't smoke. raverboy

[BillyGalbreath]

to each there own