Always friends?

[SteveM]

I know I'm doing something wrong but I always seem to have this problem of always being one of the "friends".

For example, I was at a club a few weeks back with my friends and ran into a friend from college. We always hang out and get along really well in college but usually don't hang around outside that. I DO like her and I thought she did because she always hangs around me and we have fun, she smiles and laughs at things I say and do and ware always just playing around with each other.
She didn't just say Hi and move on with her friends, she hung around and talked with me for most of the night and we had to usual laughs and fun we usually do so what else is a guy thinking but she must have an interest but then she just turned around and started making out with one of my friends.

Now, I'm not the type to get annoyed with her or my friend in the sense that theres always more fish in the sea I suppose but this is just to highlight an example...

People always say it's not 100% about looks with girls, its gotta be personality and making her interested in you. Well thats all fine and when I get that far then they start telling me I'm lots of fun or "one of the good guys" or "one of their buddies" and this sort of thing.
Now I'd like to think I have a good personality and usually get along with people and have with like this but I'm not exactly a god to look at. (Try to dress well, work out but none of thats gonna give me a Brad Pitt chiselled jawline or whatever) while this friend in particular is really quiet, shy, doesn't open his mouth to a girl or anything but he's a good looking guy and has girls swarming over him...

Is it all about looks? Not saying I'm the smoothest guy going here, I just like to get along with people and have a laugh which women seem to like but when it comes to anything romantic, it totally comes down to looks.

Ok, dunno if thats a question or just venting some frustration but thanks for listening

[sfalexi]

No. It's not all about looks. But by hanging out with them and talking to them and everything, you're not really giving signals that you want to date them. So the think you're just being "friendly". You either have to flirt (and make SURE they know you're flirting) or bite the bullet and ask them out before they start thinking of you as only a friend. Keep conversations short and witty with them so they know that you're a fun, funny guy, but they dont think of you as a friend since you don't hang out ALL the time and for LONG periods of time. You have to be more of a 'cool acquaintance'.

And like I said, looks aren't the only thing. But they sure do help a lot. Ever see the move "Roxanne" with Steve Martin? It's a good example of what YOU are going through. Steven Martin isn't the looker, but a great funny talker and the girl becomes his 'friend'. While this other dude doesn't talk at all, but apparantly looks like a greek god and so she wants to DATE him.

Steve didn't ask her out quick enough. He just kept talking and being friendly until she said, "What do you think of s-and-so?" Then it was all lost.

Alexi

Good movie by the way. I give it 4 stars out of 5.

[BillyGalbreath]

Dude. I dont know what the deal is either. My situation is weirder though. I believe I have the looks AND the personality, but shit man.. i still can''t get a relationship with a girl...

What I think it is is not being 'friendly' or even the 'looks'... Yeah the looks help, but I believe it is the fact that women like the 'bad boy' type of guy.

Hell even the ugly 'bad boys' get the girls... ...

Think about it..

[SteveM]

Well yeah, I know what you both mean...

If you play to whole "I'm a friend and a bit wuss bag" card then sure, it'll get you nowhere, not even friend status sometimes but when I say playing around and stuff like that it's kinda like us mocking each other and stuff like that. You know, don't treat her like a goddess in herself, that just looks needy obviously, but have a bit more fun with her and since I have tried to move towards this rather than being a "nice guy" ALL of the time I notice you get a lot more of a responce from women as in they want to talk to you and find you interesting because you tease them and stuff and maybe seem like more of a challenge and more fun than the guys who are falling over themselves to be with her but still when it comes down to it, they always go for the looks.
What ya gonna do, such is life I suppose but it's really hard I mean, you try your best to look after yourself in how you look and act and dress and can get that sorted but you can't change the bad bits your born with and thats what your judged on...

[BillyGalbreath]

idk dude... maybe it just all boils down to genitics and nature...

think about all the other species - one sex is always attracted to the other sex by looks - looks are what help determine who is healthier then the other (when you boil it down to genetics) All animals survive from mating with healthy mates - and the ugly animals ussually die off without ever mating...

Thinking about this - what is looks ? the human race doesn't seem to follow this exactly... Men are attracted to the thinner woman with the soft skin -- this is a sign of a healthy, active woman that does not get into fights and knows how to take care of herself... while women are attracted to the guy with the most muscle and the ones that know how to fight without loosing (ussually the 'bad boy' type) and the guy that is scared of nothing. This is a sign of a great father that will stick up to his family and is able and willing to fight off any danger. The woman also looks for wealth which ussually plays a big part in this game too. This is a sign that he is a good provider for her...

So when you boild that statement down the girl is NOT going after looks at all - all she is looking for is strength and power.

Its kinda sad when you think abou it...

[jerzygrl]

You guys seem to think uve got it all figured out! lol.

Not every girl is looking for the same thing... I can promise you that. I'm not attacted to big muscles or a thick wallet-- Im not denying that some girl are... but for most girls-- personality is key. You can be dating the hottest guy you've ever seen but if the chemistry isn't there then its not going to work. On the same token, you can take a guy who is decent looking with a great personality and have an awesome relationship. Ones personality often makes them more attractive.

In response to SteveM's first post-- Sorry to hear that she was making out with your friend! You shouldn't take it personally. Also, if your looking for a girlfriend-- you aren't going to find it in a club. As for this particular girl, next time u run into her just get her number and just casually tell her that u guys should chill sometime.

As for your friend, sometimes saying less is more. He can stand there and not say much and have girls attracted to him. He probably gets the girls because he makes them intrigued-- maybe he doesnt give them the attention and that drives em crazy. In addition, if you are going to clubs, im not going to lie, girls are looking for the good looking guys-- those girls arent there looking for boyfriend material... they're there to be flirtatious and maybe hookup...

good luck.

[jerzygrl]

Oh, one more thing... I've got a question for u guys...

you both seem to be looking for a relationship-- i've kind of been under the impression that most guys ARENT looking for relationships... how true is this???

Dating this guy for a few weeks.... I dont like to be "that girl" and have the "what are we" talk... any advice on how i can figure out what his intentions are without asking??? (relationship possiblity or just casual hanging out etc) Just dont want to let my feelings become more than they should... thanks

[BillyGalbreath]

Just ask him - Thats what I would do - And thats what I would want - I am an up front kind of guy with stuff like that - What's the worst he can do ? say your just friends ? There is no loosing to that situation - I say ask him

[jerzygrl]

thanks for the advice.... its only been a few weeks so im thinking of layin low and seein how it goes before i ask him... then again... Hes comin over tonight so maybe if we are chatting ill bring it up...

i just know if i dont ask him.... then I won't let myself get any closer to him... By doing that I would be forfeiting any kind of relationship we could possibly have. huh.

Thanks for the support.

[SteveM]

Thanks for giving a girls point of view.

I know a clubs not exactly the ideal place, it was just a night out with the lads, few drinks, have a laugh, you know...!

If you *did* meet someone in a club you'd be suspect of it being anything longterm, you'd kind of take it on its merits wouldn't you? Or at least that'd be my take.

In the case of my original post, I didn't "meet" her in a club, I already know her pretty well and it seemed to be going somewhere. Anyway, I hate getting hung up on one incident it's just how it always seems to end up, best you'll get is being friends, oh well...

As for your question, you have to take each guy on his merits, some guys and girls want relationships, some don't.
I mean, I don't necessarily want to have a relationship with "any old girl" I can get in a club or something like that but when you meet someone you like then you start to think about more than just 1 night clubbing with the person don't ya? Guys and girls must be the same on that one??

[Pretender]

SteveM hang in there man, you're just not meeting the right kind of girls if you ask me! I'm totally out there to meet a guy with a great personality. If someones not drop dead gorgeous and I like them a lot I eventually think they're the greatest looking guy out there because of their great personality. maybe instead of just getting super friendly with them you should just ask them out right away and let them know what you're intentions are with them. You really can't wait too long. Plus if she says no she can't play the "friend" card with you if you dont know eachother that well. I've never played the friend card but I think the best relationship you can have is with a friend.

Here's some advice for you with the ladies though. Be mysterious! Girls just cant' help liking the quiet mysterious guy. Its like since hes quiet and dark I MUST know more about him. I know I can't help myself if I meet someone whos different from everybody else. It's like they're an untouchable that you just have to touch.

[BillyGalbreath]

Originally posted by Pretender
..Be mysterious! Girls just cant' help liking the quiet mysterious guy. Its like since hes quiet and dark I MUST know more about him. I know I can't help myself if I meet someone whos different from everybody else. It's like they're an untouchable that you just have to touch.

Hasn't worked for me yet... ...

[SteveM]

Hehe, You know, sometimes it seems like girls don't even know what you want yourself

I used to be (and still am) real quiet around new people but that doesn't create mystery or make people WANT to talk to me.
If you don't say much you don't seem mysterious, you seem stand-offish don't you? UNLESS...! Unless, what? Unless your incredibly good looking! Seriously, How many times have you been overcome with the need to talk to the poor average looking bastard whos just chatting to his own friends?

Thats part of the reason I've actually tried to make an effort to be a bit friendlier around new people and apply that to meeting girls and stuff. If you try to talk a little more or just act a little more friendly or approacable people will talk to you more but talk still only gets them talking to ya. Guess who they're staring at the whole time?

[BillyGalbreath]

God damn it steve - your right and it sucks

[sfalexi]

Yeah. You are right. And it does suck. Just try to be charming and funny and keep a healthy conversation with the girl. Leave her laughing and feeling comfortable with you and she'll want more.