how will you deal with this!

[dadcob]

If a girl you`ve known and love for over a year tells you she loves you but she is not at the level where she can say she is "in love " and is praying for that time to come.

[sfalexi]

I'm in the same situation. I'm choosing to wait it out. I'm going to wait it out until she realizes that she's in love with me, or I just can't stand it anymore. Whichever comes first. In the meantime, I divert my extra time to positive stuff (working out, my music, I'm learning a lot about things that I think I SHOULD know - like how to change the oil and do a tuneup on my car, etc.) Just keeping my mind off it while she figures out what she wants. But if it becomes too much and too stressful for me, I'm gonna have to say goodbye. Better to leave than to hate life and be stressed 24/7 just 'waiting around'.

Alexi

[squirrley]

wait just a sec here...how do you REALIZE youre in love?

Either you are or youre not! Thats simple and not complicated.
Alexi you are waiting to see what it is your woman wants for herself. Where she wants to go and stuff.

Im sorry but its bs to think that a woman is trying to decide if shes in love with you-those feelings you KNOW.

Gosh I really wish you guys well on this one. Alexi youre doing the right thing in the meantime.

[dadcob]

"wait just a sec here...how do you REALIZE youre in love?

Either you are or youre not! Thats simple and not complicated"

l dont think it is as simple as you making it seem. The question is whats the difference between loving someone and been in love? if there is a diference will waiting it out and doing the right thing help her fall in love.

[IceQueen]

http://loveforum.net/showthread.php?...1755&forumid=6

That is because...*drumroll* ...she is still hung up on her EX. You KNEW about it, and you still didn't DO anything about it. What did you EXPECT?

[dadcob]

you are right and am going to follow your advice to the max. l held back because l didnt want her to feel like am acting out because of what she said.

[squirrley]

it is that simple-you just dont see it or dont want to see it.

Trust me I know been there and did it! (kicks herself in the ass not once but twice and Ice there to help me insert it all the way!!!) but I do thank you Ice for your help!!!

YOU SHOWED ME THE LIGHT GIRL:

[sfalexi]

Quote:

wait just a sec here...how do you REALIZE youre in love?

Either you are or youre not! Thats simple and not complicated.

Well, I think in my case it's secretly something else. I believe she does love me, however I found out (very late in the relationship) that she's a born-again virgin and wasn't planning on having sex until marriage or at least until she was with the guy she KNEW she wanted to marry. However I've been really frustrated with that cause I never wanted to wait until marriage, but rather wait until I was in a serious loving relationship. So I think (secretly) that she's using "not in love" as an excuse to see if she's willing to have sex with me or not before marriage or even knowing that she'll marry me. So I think THAT'S the demon she's battling while on the break. Seeing if she loves me ENOUGH to go the extra mile or not.

Alexi

[squirrley]

thats a big committment Alexi-if shes not emotionally ready for that, its only fair to give her space for it. But I dont understand why she would shut the relationship down temporarily.

Maybe she knows that she would have sex with you, and knows she doesnt in her faith want to go there, i duno.

Did you tell her that its important for you? Your feelings on the whole matter? I bet so. Well, Alexi-you guys still hang out, and I think you should always keep your doors open.

[sfalexi]

Quote:

thats a big committment Alexi-if shes not emotionally ready for that, its only fair to give her space for it. But I dont understand why she would shut the relationship down temporarily.

She didn't at first. But she saw that I was getting frustrated and kept asking her why and it was apparent that I was getting frustrated with the situation. So her reason to shut it down temporarily was because she felt that if she DIDN'T, I'd get so frustrated that I'd break up with her for good. By taking the first step and cooling off with a break, I'm not AS frustrated (since I don't see her that often and don't expect fooling around. And when you're know you're not fooling around, it tends to keep you from getting frustrated that you're only going "so far"). She wants to continue hanging out so that she can have a chance to get back together with me. She knows that if we don't hang out, it could be an "outta sight, outta mind" scenario and so would like to stay in contact and go out. So she calls me like two times a week and we get together once or twice a week.

Overall very rational ways of thinking I think. I just hope it doesn't take too long. And I also hope that she doesn't decide that she doesn't want me anymore. But that's a risk I've got to take and she's taking the SAME risk with me (that I'd not want her anymore) so it's not a wholly one-sided dilemma.

Alexi

[squirrley]

alexi theres always two sides to the story.

But you will know when youve had enough and there will come a time when the cool off period as is wont be enough anymore.

I can see where she is coming from...really when you have convictions that strong (no matter what they are) and to be confronted with it daily to stray from it, becomes very difficult.

Example: I dated a guy several years back-wastn looking for sex and told him so when he started talkn about it. We made out, but I wouldnt go any farther. Just didnt want that from him. Nor myself. But he pushed, and it was driving me nuts-I wanted sex but my own personal beliefs for what I wanted for my own life at the time was not conduscive to it. After 3 weeks of relentless "come on" and "promise you'll like it" I ended it. BUT I SAW through him date 1. I knew thats what he wanted and I wasnt ready for it. Let alone I didnt care for him at the level.

All Im saying is that when placed in a situation that could become potentially NOT what you want its difficult to deal with first hand.
I hope you guys can discuss this, because Alexi if YOU want to further your relationship with her, and in that manner, and shes not with you, then it WILL cause problems, it has already.

So you know you want to wait it out. Is this girl someone you would consider marrying? And would you wait til you got married?
Do you love her that much and respect her that much to hold on to what you have?

You obvioulsy want more than what you have-sexual wise...and Ive said this before-if someone isnt happy and their needs/wants arent getting met-they'll look elsewhere.

I hope youre able to figure this one out buddy...

[Pretender]

dadcob normally I would say as long as you enjoy spending time with your girl I would stick by her because loving someone is always more important than being in love with them. But what u found in her journal was proof that her heart isn't in the right place with you. It's up to you if you want to be second fiddle to a guy that doesn't deserve her and a girl that doesnt' realize it.

[sfalexi]

Quote:

I hope you guys can discuss this, because Alexi if YOU want to further your relationship with her, and in that manner, and shes not with you, then it WILL cause problems, it has already.

We have discussed it many times. And whenever I need to discuss it again to reassure myself why we're doing this, she's willing to do so for my sake.

Quote:

So you know you want to wait it out. Is this girl someone you would consider marrying?

I see no reason NOT to marry her. We ARE best friends, hold no secrets between us, are completely comfortable with each other, etc. Even when I search for reasons why I WOULDN'T want to spend the rest of my life with her, I can't find any major reasons that would be an issue. And yes we've both discussed the possibility of marriage once or twice, although we both agree that we're not ready to discuss it SERIOUSLY because we both wouldn't want marriage for a few years. But at least we both know that the relationship has the potential to become that.

Quote:

And would you wait til you got married?

No I'm not willing to wait for sex until marriage. To me, it's something that should be a bond between two people that love each other. To have my feelings and desires governed by a piece of paper from City Hall to me is absurd. And it's a very big issue for me because of the frustration and tension this issue could put on a relationship if you have disagreeing views. I know I can't be in a relationship for years without ever being able to fully express and give ourselves to one another and be holding back on the sole purpose of waiting for a signature on some document with a witness that says now the city recognizes our love for one another.

She knows that I'm not willing to wait till marriage. And I now know that she wanted to, but is rethinking her views and whether she will be willing to understand and comply with my side.

Quote:

Do you love her that much and respect her that much to hold on to what you have?

I am holding on to what we have. I'm letting her have her space to figure it out. To realize what she needs to realize. I'm letting her do what she needs to. However I can't wait forever. Because eventually, if she hasn't made her decision by then, I'll start feeling really bad about the situation and I'll know that I'll either have to let her go, or live in depression. And I will choose to let her go.

I guess my situation is fairly close to the old adage, "If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever."

Alexi

[squirrley]

you got your wits about you Alexi!

I commend you my fellow friend...