Girl I'm dating ex wants back with her, and she's hearing him out... - Love Forum

leight69 · #1 (**permalink**) 05-04-04, 03:12 AM

I met a girl a couple weeks ago, and we've been out a few times. We've both had a good times, and I've been under the immpression that we might eventually start dating.

However the other night, she tells me that her ex (that she dumped 5 months ago, after 2 years together) is coming to into town and really wants to talk things over with her. And that she's wants to hear him out.

Now me and her havn't been dating exclusively or anything, but we clearly both like each other. Apparently her friends had told her not to tell me about her ex coming to town, because she really likes me. But she said she is going to meet him, but didn't want to be seeing him secretly behind my back.

So now I'm pretty confused about all of this. I've told her exactly how I feel about the situation, why I feel that way. (It was a very reasoned response.)

Now I'm wondering, do I bother giving anything a chance or should I just leave it?

Pretender · #2 (**permalink**) 05-04-04, 04:18 AM

This is sad but like you said you aren't dating exclusively and she has every right to hear anyone out that she wants to. Now if you two were committed to one another it would be a different story. You should either ask her to be exclusive with you or wait and see what happens. You have no boyfriend powers/rights in this situation even though you would like to be her bf. If you dont want her meeting this guy ask her to date you and only you and if she refuses then you might think about leaving.

squirrley · #3 (**permalink**) 05-04-04, 08:12 AM

well you could also look at this way-she left him for a reason and hasnt gone back to him. Once a relationship has ended, time goes by, and people get back together, its NEVER the same, and the magic just isnt there, its not the same.

Give her credit for telling you. She obvioulsy has feelings for you to let you know whats going on with her x. Unfortunately, because you two arent exclusive, seeing him is fine. You dont have the right to tell her differently.

You can support her and feel good that you did it. But dont be a schmuck either, if she comes back and tells you something you dont want to hear, (them getn back together) then you let her know you were happy for the time you had together, and wish her well. AND MOVE ON!

That is the downside when youre not exclusive. Maybe you should talk to her and let her know you'd like to take it to the next lever-IF you are truly ready and not just because hes coming.

All I can say is if you really like her and trust her, then things will be ok.

Goodluck!

sfalexi · #4 (**permalink**) 05-04-04, 02:46 PM

I agree with squirrel/pretender here. Except on one note. DO NOT ask her to be exclusive before her ex shows up. It'll sound too suspicious to her (no matter HOW you phrase it). You weren't exclusive, and be appreciateive that she TOLD you she's going to hear him out this weekend. She didn't have to even do that (so it shows she really does want honesty to be a part of your relationship if it's to remain one).

After her boyfriend leaves, ask her what happened. Cause you wanna find out and have a right to know. If she says they're back together, then it's a bummer. If not (I think it'll be that it WON'T be the case, unless the guy's a VERY VERY smooth talker), then you have a green light to ask to be exclusive. And you can even think of a nice sappy reason like, "After this weekend, I realized that you are special to me. And I really was worried about losing you."

Alexi

squirrley · #5 (**permalink**) 05-04-04, 05:49 PM

All in agreement: say I?

I.

leight69 · #6 (**permalink**) 05-04-04, 08:21 PM

so quick update...

we've only spoken breifly online last night. she had tried messaging me earliler in the day while i was out, basically she told me the weekend had gone "well" and that they had just eaten dinner and were then going out to a bar somewhere together...

Which means he'd be in town for two nights...which leads me to suspect that they are back together. She still wants to "talk to me later".....so I guess Ill hear from her sometime today or tomorrow that they are getting back together.

Which sucks if its the case, but nothing I can do about that.

sfalexi · #7 (**permalink**) 05-04-04, 09:43 PM

Let us know what the talk is about. I'm curious.

squirrley · #8 (**permalink**) 06-04-04, 05:51 AM

Keep us posted...and keep your chin up...

leight69 · #9 (**permalink**) 06-04-04, 09:54 AM

Yeah she's getting back with him..."It's what she wants now" ..."its what feels right"...blah blah blah.

next please.

sfalexi · #10 (**permalink**) 06-04-04, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Yeah she's getting back with him..."It's what she wants now" ..."its what feels right"...blah blah blah.

Her mistake. She's forgetting that there's a reason they broke up in the first place. I'd put down a good amount of money that they break up and she spends a decent amount or time wondering why the hell she got back together with him instead of sticking with you.

Alexi

Pretender · #11 (**permalink**) 06-04-04, 12:36 PM

I second that.

But you never know people change

sfalexi · #12 (**permalink**) 06-04-04, 01:20 PM

Quote:

I second that.

But you never know people change

True. Although four or five months usually isn't enough for a SIGNIFICANT change (meaning they'll probably slip back into the 'old' person after a while)

We also don't know the reason for the breakup. It could be something that maybe they CAN overcome (like breaking up because they didn't want a long-distance relationship, but now they decided to try)

Alexi

Elemental · #13 (**permalink**) 06-04-04, 01:55 PM

Hmm tough luck mate, my advise would be too tell her know that you really liked / loved her (tell her how you feel), also tell her that you support her decision, even though your not too happy about the out-come. This will let her know that you are still interested, so she will know that she doesnt have to be with this guy, she has other options. However, as hard as it might be, try and get over her, go out and find someone else

- there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Pretender · #14 (**permalink**) 06-04-04, 10:24 PM

You're right about people slipping into the 'old' habits and even if they dont there is always going to be some kind of thought creeping in the back of your head what if things turn out the way they did before. I think people just have to be mature enough to realize the mistakes they made and try not to make them again. That's what my partner and I are trying, so far it works but we're still "fresh" if you would like to call it that.

leight69 · #15 (**permalink**) 07-04-04, 05:28 AM

Ok, so here's the expanded update.

when we spoke last night, I told her "just for the record, you're making a mistake"...she went on about how she was doing what felt right, and how she didn't think she was, and if she was she could always fix it, its not like she's marrying him any time soon. I then told her, that passing on me is her mistake. She said it might be, but this is what she needs to do. and I told her, "I know its a mistake, I'm just letting you know now."

She did apologise for have lead me on, she said it wasn't her intention to at all, just this came up.

It was left in a good, way, with me dissapointed obviously. (oh i basically updated the last time in the midst of the convo...so online I was more snarky..heheheh)

But yeah, time to move on.