How Long Should I Let This Continue? - Love Forum

EskimoPie · #1 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 04:32 AM

My fiance and I dated for 3 years before he popped the question, and we've been engaged now for 6 months. We were just having the typical issues that would cause an argument every now and then, but we've been arguing more frequent recently. I'm 19, and he's 18. I've had a job for over 8 months, and he hasn't had any experience in the job industry. I keep trying to motivate him, and he'll say repeatedly how he wants a job, but he doesn't show as much effort and I feel he should to find one. I'm in the middle of trying to transition to another job, because I can't stand the one I'm at. When I complain about it though, he makes me feel bad. Saying at least I have a job, and he can't get one. He's very negative, saying he'll never have a job, and me complaining, makes him feel like I'm better than him. I've offered to help him in any way I can, help him with a resume, and see what job opportunities are out there. I'm just afraid that if he doesn't find something soon, he's still going to be this negative, and I worry he may give up completely. I don't know how well I can handle this for who knows how long it will last. I love him with all my heart, but making me feel bad for having a job, and not knowing what to do to help is messing me up. I don't know what to do. I'm worried I won't be able to take it and will have to end the relationship. We dont' even have our own place yet, because of lack of funds. What do I do?

Stampe · #2 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 07:53 AM

Hmm i would like a little more info on the subject.
What kind of education do you both have?
does he have any kind of experience with having a job? Is it new for him?
Is he sometimes agressive in person? Maybe shy?

Another thing, have you and him sat down and talked about this problem? I dont mean the job part, but the negativity part? That you do not like him being negative all the time?

lastwish · #3 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 08:40 AM

wow...most people your age is still going to school. Why marry that early if you guys can't even get a place on your own yet? But if its because you have kids then ask the parents to help you out. Encourage him to find some training that will help him be more confident in the work industry.

bluesummer · #4 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 09:20 AM

I would put marriage on hold until you are both working, contributing, and have your own place.

To be quite frank, Im shocked you're engaged at such an age. Do you guys have educational or career goals yet? Beyond that though, and the main issue is....that he needs to be working or in school. I don't like the fact that not only is he not working while you are, but he's also making excuses for why he's not, AND on top of that, he's making you feel bad for being responsible. I understand that he probably feels embarrassed that he's not working while you are, but he should NOT be taking it out on you.

This is not a good sign of things to come. Like I said, I would seriously hold off on thoughts of marriage until this issue gets resolved. Meanwhile, do what you can to motivate him (although, you really shouldn't have to...). Does he have a skill set or specific interest that would help him narrow down his job search?

vashti · #5 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 09:35 AM

Trust me when I tell you to RUN from a male who can't (or won't) get a job. Your life will be a living hell.

And yeah, you are too young to be thinking about getting married. If you were maybe 8-10 years older, you wouldn't look twice at someone like this guy.

bluesummer · #6 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Trust me when I tell you to RUN from a male who can't (or won't) get a job. Your life will be a living hell.

And yeah, you are too young to be thinking about getting married. If you were maybe 8-10 years older, you wouldn't look twice at someone like this guy.

I second this.

It reeks of irresponsibility.

Dancer · #7 (**permalink**) 28-03-08, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EskimoPie

My fiance and I dated for 3 years before he popped the question, and we've been engaged now for 6 months. We were just having the typical issues that would cause an argument every now and then, but we've been arguing more frequent recently. I'm 19, and he's 18. I've had a job for over 8 months, and he hasn't had any experience in the job industry. I keep trying to motivate him, and he'll say repeatedly how he wants a job, but he doesn't show as much effort and I feel he should to find one. I'm in the middle of trying to transition to another job, because I can't stand the one I'm at. When I complain about it though, he makes me feel bad. Saying at least I have a job, and he can't get one. He's very negative, saying he'll never have a job, and me complaining, makes him feel like I'm better than him. I've offered to help him in any way I can, help him with a resume, and see what job opportunities are out there. I'm just afraid that if he doesn't find something soon, he's still going to be this negative, and I worry he may give up completely. I don't know how well I can handle this for who knows how long it will last. I love him with all my heart, but making me feel bad for having a job, and not knowing what to do to help is messing me up. I don't know what to do. I'm worried I won't be able to take it and will have to end the relationship. We dont' even have our own place yet, because of lack of funds. What do I do?

My wife and I were married when i was 18, she was 17. We waited years before we had our daughter. When we got married i was in the Marine Corp. I never asked my wife to work. We had our rough patches and always worked through them. We both realized that "true" love never quits, gets tired, moves on or abandons. It sounds to me that your fiance' needs to grow up some more and experience life before he just casually asks you to be his wife. Marriage is an institution not to be entered into lightly and before anyone asks another to commit to that person for LIFE, they need to understand the responsibilities of commitment before they just casually "pop" the question.

CoolCalico2001 · #8 (**permalink**) 31-03-08, 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vashti

Trust me when I tell you to RUN from a male who can't (or won't) get a job. Your life will be a living hell.

And yeah, you are too young to be thinking about getting married. If you were maybe 8-10 years older, you wouldn't look twice at someone like this guy.

Oh yes! This will put a toll on any relationship. I had a guy I was dating get laid off & buy a playstation on his way home to cheer himself up. We could hardly make rent with him working! This all happened when I was your age.

Another suggestion, & I hope this isn't the case, but people go through a drastic personality & goals change through their early 20's. My boyfriend & I were so compatible when we first got together 18/19, but by 20/21, we couldn't agree on anything anymore.