How do you move on?

[lesa]

How do you move on from the only love you've known? I forgive that we had to break up because we had different goals in life but I still love him and surely he must think of me once in awhile. I have a new and loving relationship and enjoy it but every now and again my mind thinks about my only other love. I want to move on but I feel I have no closure.

Maybe it is because I spent my whole adult life in that relationship up until breakup and it can be difficult to talk with others because I find myself saying "me and a friend did this and that...." (because I don't want to say ex all the time and especially not to my current love) but after being in relationship so long there is no "I" in my past...if that makes sense.

We have no real contact and this is almost two years. I feel crazy for having these thoughts and want to move on. Any advice is appreciated.

I am moving on but my mind just thinks of him occasionally. I don't want many years to pass and he say that he regrets that we broke up.

[Mishanya]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesa

We have no real contact and this is almost two years. I feel crazy for having these thoughts and want to move on. Any advice is appreciated.

I am moving on but my mind just thinks of him occasionally. I don't want many years to pass and he say that he regrets that we broke up.

You've been broken up for almost two years, even if he does say he regrets that you two broke up, what difference will it make? So much time has passed, you two are not even the same people you used to be before anymore. For whatever reason you two broken up, it was probably for the best (it ussually is), it means you weren't compatible on some level and those reasons will still be there. Let him go, keep him as a good memory

[GrkScorp]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesa

"me and a friend did this and that...." (because I don't want to say ex all the time and especially not to my current love) but after being in relationship so long there is no "I" in my past...if that makes sense.

The language we use is a window into how we think and feel about things..

When people refer to previous relationships as "friend" as opposed to "ex".. it means that they still feel a connection to that person.. have not accepted them yet as a part of their past.. "ex".. but feel slightly guilty for still thinking about them, and need to mask those emotions by something innocent.. "friend"..

Also.. when people feel a strong connection towards someone.. they have trouble using words like "he, she, & I".. words that are more common are "we, our, & us".. Language is afterall symbolic.. a symbolic representational system to capture feelings and emotions.. and try and express them in "words".. so the words we use.. matter..

So.., the first small step you can take is to be selective with your choice of words.. When thinking about your "ex".. and talking about your "ex".. make sure you use the word "ex".. When thinking about him and your past.. do not think or say words like "we, us, & our".. only allow yourself to use words like "I or him" if you happen to ever think of him.. That small little change alone.. can have some pretty serious results.. as you begin to be specific with your choice of words.. you'll start to notice how you think less and less about him.. now.., there are other things you can do..

Usually.. and most likely this isn't the case.. but usually.., when I think about my exes.. or just think back to the past.. it's because perhaps i'm not too happy with the present.. maybe unhappy.. or just feeling temporarily dull and comfortable with the other person.. So I look back to the past.. ignoring the negatives.. not remembering all the reasons the past is the past, and not the present.. and I find myself trapped in this rosey picture of what the past was.. and as I think back to those times.. I remind myself that there's an other person i'm with now.. and I ask myself if i'm happy with this other person.. I must be.. now.. i'm in a relationship with them.. if I'm not happy.. that's an other story.. but if that's not at all the case.. then I must be happy.. the relationship is most likely temporarily dull as is the case in every single relationship.. and it's important to realize that this temporary dull moment.. will go away.. not by itself.. but with mutual effort.. and if i'm busy thinking about the past.. then I can't help the present.. a present worth helping.. now..,

As you think about that.. try and see why you think you're feeling the way you are.. and when you think about how you feel about your current partner.. try and step back for a moment.. and look at things like a third person looking from the outside if you can.. and see the two of you together.. without any other person in the picture.. if you're comfortable with that picture.. then you're going to naturally start thinking less and less about your past.. now.. that's because you've realized how much you really value your current partner.. and how better off you are.. There are better ways to invest your mental energy.. and if you've read this far down.. I think we both know who is more worthy of that mental energy and effort of yours..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Tired]

of all the girls i've dated i think i only truely LOVED one of them....and I'm long over her, but I do still think of her from time to time wondering what shes up to and what would've been if we stayed together. I think its only natural when you've invested a chunk of your life into one person.

I still say to myself I love that girl it just didn't work out. We haven't talked for years but I think i'd be deeply depressed if i found out she died or something terrible happened to her.

I don't know how to explain, as u could tell if you read my other thread i have strong feelings for a new woman that I hope workout but I'll always appreciate the time and experience i had with my first love

it's not a "i want to spend my life with you" love anymore but its just the fact that she was a significant person in my life for a significant amount of time.

[lesa]

Wow Tired, that is EXACTLY how I feel. He was just a significant part of my past and I need to accept that when I talk of my past that some information will include him. I just don't want to say "ex" all the time when I talk to others. I have let him go but our good memories and experiences are a permanant part of me I guess lol.

[FoxyLaydee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesa

Wow Tired, that is EXACTLY how I feel. He was just a significant part of my past and I need to accept that when I talk of my past that some information will include him. I just don't want to say "ex" all the time when I talk to others. I have let him go but our good memories and experiences are a permanant part of me I guess lol.

xBF was a permanent part of me - hated that cause every time I went out with friends and saw things that reminded me of him/us - I'd end up talking about it or when someone mentioned something, I'd say "we/**** and I used to....". So often in the past, I kept telling myself to "get over him already!".

I'm glad I am over him now, he was a great guy - he still is - but it wasn't meant to be. I'm just happy that I finally get that... and I don't mention him anymore in my conversations.

[lesa]

I understand. However, I am not saying "I used to..." or "We used to do....or I wish he was back im my life". I am over him in that respect. My problem is that many of my examples that I have when I have a conversation to others whether it's school, business, entertainment (especially), etc advice somehow includes him. For example, I was talking to my friend about a project that he was doing and somehow I mentioned that I know about those things and can perhaps help but then realize that it involved my ex so I just let the conversation move on to something else because I am tired of mentioning my ex in conversations. But, I have practically lived my life as "we" because when he or I did something it most likely included us both in at least 50% of my examples. When I talk about a movie in the past, there is a 90% chance it was with him so I try not to say "ex" because I know I would be annoyed if my current boyfriend said that all the time. If I mention that I went to a concert there is a 100% chance it was with the ex. So unless I talk about my work or what I have done in this past two years, the ex most likely was involved.

I don't have a problem with the memories we share....I just don't want to have my current boyfriend realize that all the things that I am talking about involves the ex all the time. Therefore I just say "friend" just so that I can complete the story that I am talking about.

I guess I will have to deal until new adventures are created

[FoxyLaydee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lesa

I guess I will have to deal until new adventures are created

How about you create new adventures with your current BF? That would be fun and for all you know, you won't be mentioning "ex" anymore.

How are things with your current BF? Whenever you mentioned "friend", doesn't he catch on that it could be your ex? I had problems there... he somehow would catch on that I was talking about me and my ex.

[lesa]

Yes, I look forward to creating new adventures with new BF. He is very intelligent and I am positive that he knows who I am talking about but I just prefer to have the conversation go on without mentioning "ex" all the time.

My BF and I have a great relationship and communicaton but lately I have been second-guessing his seriousness and readiness for a relationship. He is not as adventurous with me yet but hopefully we will be soon. This relationship is going very slowly and he rarely share in activities.