Bizarre Anti-Romantic Behavior

[BurntScroll]

First of all, please excuse the cold way of writing. This is a complicated problem, and I want to be as clear as possible. I have this very strange problem with my relationships with women that is leaving me completely flabbergasted. Maybe some of you ladies can provide insight.

To let you know of my age, I'm 20 years old, an engineering student at a state university.

First of all, I ask you to consider some assumptions. Please let me know if you agree with them.

Assumption 1: A friendship implicates that you mutually desire to spend time getting to know each other, that it becomes a priority in life, not necessarily top, but important nonetheless.

Assumption 2: Honor is very important to the survival of a friendship, that you ought to be sensitive to a person's needs and respect the other person's desire to talk and connect, even if it's only for a few minutes.


I was developing some healthy friendships with some of my lady friends at a college campus church that I go to. I would approach them (like a real man should) and be assertive in starting conversation (as a real man should) and show interest in them, not necessarily their bodies but who they are as people and what they are doing in their lives (as a real, honorable man should do.) I wish to explore actual deep, fulfilling friendships them, not try to get them into bed (HONESTLY!)

Our church organized this really cool formal dinner and dance. I was one of the chefs and cut the prime rib, and I had asked several women at the meal if I could have the pleasure of dancing with them at the formal later that night. They all seemed enthusiastic. One of the women had expressed concerns about a very unfair disciplinary action she received in a class, and I encouraged her to cheer up, find some courage in her heart, and confront the Dean about it. She was very appreciative of the encouragement.

So I went to the dance for some fun. Going to the dance, I assumed two additional things. #3. Girls like to have fun. #4. Girls like romance. I just want to be friends but would want to provide some romantic fun, nothing serious. I wanted to make them feel good. Plus, I'm a romantic myself. Asking a girl to a dance formally, acting chivalrously, and expressing my thanks for her dancing with me with some small token like a rose petal is all stuff that really excited me. One of the girls I talked with, I grabbed her and swing danced really fast; she seemed to enjoy that. Two of the milder girls I slow-danced with. I gave them all single rose petals that I picked up from the dinner clean-up and thanked them for dancing with me.

And what happened next? I would hope that the experience would draw us closer as friends, but it did nothing but split us apart. Now all of a sudden, these same three women who I would talk freely with before seem to become very uncomfortable when I approach them in a friendly and loving manner. (The way Jesus would have me do.) They seem to find subtle and polite ways to escape a conversation with me, only to quickly find other male and female friends to initiate relaxed interaction. The vibe I get from them is definitely not a "I'm shy because I have a crush on you" but more of a "get away from me you stalker!" I could understand if it were just the anamoly of one woman, but this has happened with at least four different women in my age group. I don't think that "giving space" would be the right answer; there is a broken friendship there that needs to be fixed with open communication.

I read in all the books that girls like romance and fun. I'm starting to think it's a bunch of bologna. They don't seem to dig guys like me who will grab 'em from their boredom and take em for a "dangerous" ride. (although their safety and purity is always secretly secure; I make sure I protect 'em) They don't want boring nice guys either. They don't want people being themselves. I've tried being all of these, because I want to somehow connect with them closer AS FRIENDS. But nothings working....errrrr....it's so frustrating. I feel like I'm a wimp because I get so emotionally hurt when a friendship doesn't work out. (Or maybe I was just a bad dancer )

Yes, I try to talk with them about the problem to try to break the ice. They say..."Oh nothing's wrong. It's late, I'm sorry I have to get back home." with shaky hands and terrible eye contact. Then after quickly moving to another part of the room, they go have some fun conversation with other male and female friends. Now, these are women I have already been acquainted with for several months with growing friendships, seeing them nearly every week. The change came upon ALL of them immediately after the dance. I email them expressing that I just want to be friends. No response. Dead silence. And it kind of hurts. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong I'm doing. Or if there's something wrong with me!

Assumptions 3 and 4 apparently are wrong! Most of the girls I've met neither want fun, intimate(nonsexual) talking friendship, nor romance in a non-serious relationship. All they want is superficial stupidity. Or is there just something I'm missing. Please help, ladies! Please, please, please be as brutally honest as possible! I want to solve this problem. I don't care if you think you'll hurt my feelings...lemme have it. If you would flame me with the darkest curses of the world, I still would not be hurt because of that! Silence is what bitterly slices through the heart like a knife.

God bless you all.
Carl O.

[sfalexi]

I just want to be friends but would want to provide some romantic fun, nothing serious. I wanted to make them feel good. Plus, I'm a romantic myself. Asking a girl to a dance formally, acting chivalrously, and expressing my thanks for her dancing with me with some small token like a rose petal is all stuff that really excited me. One of the girls I talked with, I grabbed her and swing danced really fast; she seemed to enjoy that. Two of the milder girls I slow-danced with. I gave them all single rose petals that I picked up from the dinner clean-up and thanked them for dancing with me.

First off, the rosepetal thing was probably just a TAD too strong at this point in your relationship with them. Girls do like romance. But from a guy that they are dating and want to be romantic with. You are not dating these girls so the rosepetal thing probably threw them offguard and freaked them out a little bit. A simple, "Thank you" would have had much better results.

Yes, I try to talk with them about the problem to try to break the ice. They say..."Oh nothing's wrong. It's late, I'm sorry I have to get back home." with shaky hands and terrible eye contact. Then after quickly moving to another part of the room, they go have some fun conversation with other male and female friends. Now, these are women I have already been acquainted with for several months with growing friendships, seeing them nearly every week. The change came upon ALL of them immediately after the dance. I email them expressing that I just want to be friends. No response. Dead silence. And it kind of hurts. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong I'm doing. Or if there's something wrong with me!

If you've already been friends for several months, then that's all you are. Is a friend. And when you start showing romantic interest (like the rosepetals mentioned above) they freak out. They know you as a friend, and like you AS A FRIEND, so when you start to indicate you want more, they back off to make sure you know that you're ONLY A FRIEND and not to get your hopes up and string you along.

I email them expressing that I just want to be friends. No response. Dead silence. And it kind of hurts. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong I'm doing. Or if there's something wrong with me!

Best do stuff like this face to face. Stay away from email for explaining things or serious conversations. Email is best suited to "I had a great time at a concert yesterday" and "What are you doing this weekend" sort of stuff. And even then I stay away from email.

Assumptions 3 and 4 apparently are wrong! Most of the girls I've met neither want fun, intimate(nonsexual) talking friendship, nor romance in a non-serious relationship. All they want is superficial stupidity.

Not stupidity, they want that stuff IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. You want to be friends, but have these talks and be romantic. The girls you went up to don't. They probably wouldn't mind romance, or fun intimate talking, but with someone they're in a relationship with. Not "some guy who talks to me every week but is just an aquainance."

The vibe I get from them is definitely not a "I'm shy because I have a crush on you" but more of a "get away from me you stalker!"

I think you hit the nail on the head there.

If you want more than friendship with these girls, you have to say so from the getgo. Not many people will be friends with you for months and THEN want something more. Usually there's an instant attraction or unattraction to you. Within the first few hours of knowing you, they know whether they would want more (based on your looks and your first impression with conversation, topics of conversation, etc) or whether you are best suited for a friend. And if you don't act on it relatively quickly (by asking for a one on one date) and rather give the impression that all YOU want to do is be friends (like you did by just continually talking to them and not making any serious moves), then that's what they think and they keep you as a friend while they check out other guys (like they did at that get together).

Good luck in the future, but looks like these girls are obviously goners for what you're looking for.

Alexi

[Pretender]

I think these girls now believe you want to date them because of the rose petals. This may sound bad but I wouldn't waste my romantic style and caress on just friends. When you do get a gf those things should be saved for her and not just mere friends.

You need to confront them and tell them you really had no romantic interest in them you were just trying to be a nice guy and that they are being immature for not coming to you and asking what your intentions are. You knew these young ladies for months you said and this is how they treat you because of a rose petal.

Definetly talk to them face to face so they can read you facial expressions and see what you really feel for them. You crossed the border between friend and having a relationship with someone. They dont want to hurt you're feelings and are acting this way towards you because they don't want to date you and think you want to date them.

Just let them know you honestly aren't interested in them like that, maybe even hurt they're feelings a little by making them think they over reacted. But hun never do any romantic stuff for friends again!(unless you want to be more than friends)

[busgirl]

i agree with these two. unfortunately, when girls dont like certain guys in certain ways, and they somehow get the impression (even if it is totally wrong) that the guy wants more, they freak out, overreact, and act like ice cold bitches. as far as the rose petal thing, maybe it WAS a bit much, but if these girls are even worth your friendship they would hear you out. besides, i would think it was a creative and sweet gesture no matter the intentions. maybe you should concentrate more on the types of girls you try to befriend than how you try to befriend them. just a suggestion.

[dragoon]

Be yourself. You say things like "like a real man would" and "as an honorable man should do", and even mention reading books and bring hard assumptions to the table on top of all of that. Girls can see through a facade like this in an instant, and it's a major turn off. I saw it, and I'm a guy reading a message on a forum

You even said "They don't want people being themselves". Yes. Yes they do. If they don't want the real you, they don't want you. Can you keep a facade going forever? Why would you even want to? The right girl will like you for who you are, who you really are.

Sure there are "games" that have to be played and "rules" that have to be followed, but even then you play them in your own way. Always be yourself, and then when you meet a girl you like and she likes you back, you'll know it's real.

[sheepingly]

as a woman...i think he did a wee bit too much and it was kinda odd in my view point.

[IndiReloaded]

First of all, I ask you to consider some assumptions. Please let me know if you agree with them.

Assumption 1: A friendship implicates that you mutually desire to spend time getting to know each other, that it becomes a priority in life, not necessarily top, but important nonetheless.

Assumption 2: Honor is very important to the survival of a friendship, that you ought to be sensitive to a person's needs and respect the other person's desire to talk and connect, even if it's only for a few minutes.

Some comments about your assumptions:

#1 - Good friendships are mutual, yes. Good friends care, yes. But even friends live their own lives. How much of a priority the friendship will be will depend on other factors and what else is going on in their life. It is unrealistic to expect that a friend will always be available.

#2 - Honor is what you know about yourself. Its not really related to your second point, that being 'availability'. As I said, friends try to be available, but it isn't always possible. Esp if one of the friends is extremely needy.

In any case, I think you are using friendship as an excuse with these ladies. You don't want to be their friend, you are scoping them out as romantic partners. That's dishonest. I'm sure they sense it & find it a bit off-putting.

Also, whether you are describing a friend or a partner, noone is obligated to be either to you, no matter what effort you put into it. Both friendship and love are gifts, to be appreciated for as long as they last. You have no right to expect either from anyone.

[vashti]

Oh, how I wish it were impossible to bump four-year-old threads.

Sheepingly, shame on you!

[IndiReloaded]

Oi! Sheepingly, you suck.

Still, it was a good reply. And I'm a MythBusters widow this afternoon, so its okay.

[Aeradalia]

Oi! Sheepingly, you suck.

Still, it was a good reply. And I'm a MythBusters widow this afternoon, so its okay.

Lmao... had that happen to me once... now I check the dates religiously...

[IndiReloaded]

I usually do too, but its been dead around here. I guess its still new years day for most of the forum.

[lastwish]

I sense that you don't only want friendship. You want to be romantic with them. So, next time you meet someone you are interested romantically, just be honest with them. We appreciate it.

[sheepingly]

Oi! Sheepingly, you suck.

Still, it was a good reply. And I'm a MythBusters widow this afternoon, so its okay.

Oi so sorry

.......but hey too my credit......at least I'm not doing what most do which is post and then never do anything else