Afraid of a loss...

[Seamaster]

Hello, sorry to burst in anonymously, but I could badly use some advice / consolation.

I'm 18, I'll be 19 in a month, my last day of high school was last friday and my graduation is this saturday. Just so you know my position...

So there's this girl, I've known her for several years, but at the very end of my junior year it suddenly dawned on me that I'm head over heels for her. Strange thing was, we weren't best friends or anything - casual friends I'd say, we'd say hello to each other but not a whole lot outside of that. At first, I just kinda put it off as a passing emotion, and that once the summer came and went I'd be totally over it.

Hehe, wrong! I traveled a fair deal during the summer, took a big tour of Scotland, and the whole time the only thing on my mind was that I wished she was there with me. I endured the whole summer somehow, with no contact or anything with her. The fall came along with the first day of my senior year and when I saw her come through the door my jaw nearly dropped. I had sort of realized by now that it was more than a passing feeling...

Feeling a little bold, I tried to work to become closer to her, to become more than just acquaintences. For a good while it was successful, by October we were regularly exchanging compliments it seemed like we were both on the same "wavelength", I guess is a way to put it.

Then she left on vacation for a week, and after she came back we just never reconnected I guess. I had assumed it was a fault of my own - I'm terrible with making eye contact with anyone, much less someone I'm attracted to. Also, I never was able to summon the courage to ask her to homecoming. Personally, I think all the school events like that are corny as hell but I knew these sort of events were important to her - so she went with a big group of friends.

Trying to reconnect was difficult. I just can't start conversations on my own, even saying hello is nearly insurmountable. I couldn't help but think she was disappointed by the whole homecoming thing, and was a bit miffed with me about it, so I just tried to save what was there.

But just straight asking her would have required far more audacity than I've got. One of the reasons I wanted to be just a friend before I would do that was in part because of the friends she had - she hung around with plenty of other guys and girls that she'd known for quite some time. I was worried that she admired one of these guys, and for me to come up and just ask her to an event like this, as a person outside of her group of friends, would put her in a difficult spot if she didn't want to go. Also, once you cross the line of revealing your feelings as being more than just platonic, it's very difficult to go back - This has been what's limited and worried me most, as even if she didn't want to cross that line with me I would want to remain friends with her. Just being around her is something I treasure so much, I can't risk losing that.

So I figured the best thing to do would to let things cool off with her and try to improve myself as best I could in this window alotted to me. I opened a facebook account - not my sort of thing but she's real keen about hers so I went ahead and did it anyway. I sort of strategically set myself up to become friends with her friends - both in person and on facebook, with the hope that she'd see my name crop up a couple times around her friends. Looking through her pictures and seeing her smile gave me a little solace when I was feeling shitty, but it can't replace the real thing. I tried to improve just being able to talk to people, with eye contact and all that, though it didn't work very well. I even got myself in better physical form, not that I needed it much to begin with but I figured it wouldn't hurt.

February came and went; the dance where girls ask the boys passed and she again went with her friends. I was beginning to give up - the school year was approaching its end and I thought it might just be best to clear my mind of the whole thing and get ready for college. But I couldn't! I tried with every ounce of will power to but I couldn't shake the feeling, and the fact that I had a class with her everyday didn't help.

Spring break passed, and things got a little better, though not a whole lot. Though after seeing pics and thinking about her facebook profile a bit more, she began to become less of a monolith in my mind. I began to notice that she is quite self - conscience for some reason, though I have no idea why she would be. She's very smart and extroverted, which while I really admire that it is really daunting to someone as introverted as me. In terms of "league", we're matched pretty well - neither of us has ever had any real dating experience before. Her profile also always mentioned that she was single and looking for dating, and since she didn't ask one of her guy friends to the dance back in February I began to get my hopes up.

Prom season came. I came so incredibly close to asking her, but I hesitated out of timidness yet again and then it was too late. She again went with her group of friends. I waited in some part to see if she was going to sort of hint that she wanted to go with me, but it never came. I still can't decide whether it was because she truly didn't want to go or it was out of some sense of self - conscienceness that she didn't hint at it. She didn't seem sour or anything afterwords, I guess maybe she was expecting I wouldn't ask(?). Things began to improve a little even more, as I had kept my college plans secret and she was anxious to know where I was going, and I'd always answer inconclusively to keep her curious, and so I'd always have that little secret to dangle before her to start a conversation. Nevertheless, after seeing prom pictures of her without a date on facebook, I feel like a real bastard, to put it mildly.

The end of the school year was drawing near, and I began to despair. The last day was May 9th. Then, like some insane divine intervention or something, opperatunity came. We're in Latin class together, and our teacher was selling tickets to an opera in Latin (Carmina Burana) for a sunday performance (today, May 11th) which was downtown at the Symphony Hall. The girl offerred out to the class that she and her mom were going to carpool down there. I saw the chance dropped in my lap...

I dropped her a friend request (something I had long wanted to do) and a message on facebook asking if she could give me a lift there since I didn't know how to get there. She replied with a friendly and eager "of course!" and her cell phone number if she needed for me to contact her, and it turned out in my favor that it was only one other younger girl that needed a ride there so I did get to talk to her some. I knew damn well how to get to the symphony hall, in fact her mother kept asking me the directions how to get there and I don't think it took her mother long to realize why I had asked for a ride.

Although I didn't get to talk to her as much as I would have liked, I'm still happy I took the chance to get a lift with her. She looked lovely, of course, and I bought a new suit for the occasion. I talked to her mom quite a bit and I think she liked me. I revealed what my college plans were and impressed her some with that, and in the course of conversation I got her to genuinely smile and laugh a few times.

After it was over we were saying goodbye, she made a point of saying that we'd see each other again at the graduation rehearsal on Friday. The actual graduation ceremony is Saturday, with an all night lock in party immediately afterwords we're both going to. But the thought of that being the last time I ever see her in person again is just horrifying.

I guess the advice I'm looking for is how should I arrange a way to see her again after this? She's going to a local university, I'm going to the East Coast and possibly Scotland for my university years. I realize it's far too late to develop anything serious, but I mean... a summer fling; a single date; a trip to the mall - I don't even care anymore, but I need to see her again. Just one more afternoon in her presence is all I want. It'll probably just make an even more sorrowfull goodbye when the time comes, of course, but then I won't be wondering the rest of my life what could have been, and we could at least remain friends even if our only means of communication was by computer.

I'm scared to death as coming off as clingy though. She gives me a lift once and I ask her out? Doesn't seem like a good idea... And I sent her a note on facebook a few hours ago thanking her and her mom, I just hope it comes off as polite and not desperate / clingy.

I just don't know how to go about it... and it's my last chance really. Any tips are appreciated, though keep in mind I've got a bit of a shy demeanor and I doubt I could go though with anything too audacious.

Thanks and sorry for the staggeringly long read, I've tried to make it interesting at least...

Kind Regards

[Gigabitch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seamaster

I'm scared to death as coming off as clingy though.

Clingy wasn't the first word that came to mind. Other words that did were:

• Wiener
• Eunuch
• Pussy
• Clown
• Fool

My God, what is wrong with you? You could have asked her out at any point this whole year and you didn't.

Call her up immediately and ask her out. Really. Tell her you don't want to lose touch with such an attractive girl and take her to the movies (so you don't have to talk so much). Do NOT come off as the "friend" type. Present yourself as her future boyfriend.

What loss, exactly, are you afraid of, again? You have absolutely nothing to lose. Nothing.

[Seamaster]

Hahaha, thanks, maybe I just needed some firm encouragement.

The loss I'm afraid of though - I'm worried that if I totally just present myself in the way you suggested, and she said no... I could totally get over the rejection, but trying to maintain just a friendship afterwords now that there's that pressure there seems impossible. That's really what I'm afraid of losing, I don't know if I could forgive myself if I was too forward or reckless and lost any sense of friendship.

[Gigabitch]

Well, that's probably #1 in the Big Book of Bullshit: the old "I don't want to ruin the friendship" bit. You want her. Your friendship is already compromised and false. Ask her out.

[IndiReloaded]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

Well, that's probably #1 in the Big Book of Bullshit: the old "I don't want to ruin the friendship" bit. You want her. Your friendship is already compromised and false. Ask her out.

Yep. Agree w/Giga on this. As far as 'losing' anything, you can't lose what you never had in the first place, can you?

[squirrley]

Gawd you've had so much time to get things started and you've already LOST that time. You have to ask her out now you really don't have anything to lose at this point. So what if she's says no, you're really not at a loss other than a gain, you're mind would be settled.

[jinx343]

what were you waiting for, bro? end of the world????? though it's not toooooo late, yet you lost toooo much time already. so many times and opprtunities wasted.

i feel sorry for you that you only thought now of the "what could have been" part. damn! i hope you have thought of that when you still had enough time to make a connection with her.

stop thinking toooo hard and just do what you got to do.. invite her out! before you chicken out again. hmph!

[Gigabitch]

I hope he's too busy talking to her on the phone, making plans for their date to post today.

[jinx343]

sure hope so giga.. sure hope so....

or maybe he's still too busy making his mind up.. lol

[Seamaster]

Hahaha, I thought the people on here would be a little sappy but you guys are great.

Unfortunately I haven't called her, not to come up with excuses but somebody ran into my car today, not really what I needed when I was getting ready to sell the car, since I won't need it for college. Damn.

I've talked to my sister about it though (sort of). She's had the same boyfriend for the last year and a half, so I asked her how he asked her out. He was in an amazingly similar position as I'm in. He asked my sister out when they didn't know each other real well, they knew each other but hadn't been best friends or anything beforehand, about the same spot I'm in. My sister said yes and wasn't creeped out or anything, so it does give me a bit of courage, especially since it seems like my sister finds 9 out of 10 guys creepy (she's 16).

But asking her out over the phone just seems so... insincere, or cowardly (might be too late for that though, oops) or something. Admittedly it'd be 1000 times easier for me than doing it face to face, but it just seems like it'd leave a bad impression. Though being a boy maybe I'm just imagining it. And if I called her while she was busy at work or whatever it'd really kinda ruin it.

I'll be seeing her again at the graduation rehearsal on Friday, and I might need a day or so to come up with what I want to say... I want to be straightforward with it, so there's no doubt as to what I'm asking, but not ineloquent.

I just hope she doesn't think it's just too late... Well even if she does, at least my mind will be settled...

[jinx343]

haha! wait til you meet the other posters.. they're more than great you'd laugh your ass off and would make you forget your problem for a few minutes. lol

damn... giga.. i was quite right with my prediction. lol he hasnt asked her out yet. and he is indeed still making his mind up. haha! im great

whatever you feel is right for you bro... just make sure you really want things that way when you ask her out (face to face). though i dont see anything wrong with calling her up. but whatever suits you, fine! just get it done and over with. you're killing me for waiting...

good luck and keep us posted. be at your best self when you get to do it. just pleaseeeee.... dont chicken out. else you'll forever regret it and forever keep thinking the "what could have been". it sucks

[Gigabitch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Seamaster

Unfortunately I haven't called her, not to come up with excuses but somebody ran into my car today...and broke every single one of my fingers.

This is the only excuse that would fly, Seamaster. Quit messing around and call her up. Asking a girl out on the phone is NORMAL, not insincere.

If you were here, I would wrestle you to the ground and sit on you until you called her.

Do it!

[vashti]

Tell her this:

"I am such an idiot. I have been wanting to ask you out for at least a year, but I was too chicken. Now school is almost over, and I will be going away to University, and I realize I may miss my chance for good if I don't man up and just do it. What do you say? Do you want to catch a movie or go for a walk or something?"

[jinx343]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigabitch

This is the only excuse that would fly, Seamaster. Quit messing around and call her up. Asking a girl out on the phone is NORMAL, not insincere.

If you were here, I would wrestle you to the ground and sit on you until you called her.

Do it!

i wouldn't even volunteer as a referee.. i want to see you do it to him giga. lol just imagine you'd lose to 2 females (giga in a wrestling match and lose your girl)

well seamaster, did you get it already? hope so.. else i dont anymore what else would make you get it. good luck!

[Seamaster]

Well I think I've decided I'm going to do it in person.

It's just that (despite how long my posts are) I'm a really quiet person, and I'd really not have much of a reason to just call her up and chat to get it going or anything. And I've only sent her just a text message in the past, so it seems like calling her would be totally out of the blue and unnatural to me. Approaching her in person just to say hello and kicking it off from there sounds a bit more reasonable...

And I'm not entirely convinced she knows that I like her, and I don't know if she likes me in the same way, either. Though I've tried to drop little "hints", and I think her mother picked up on it the other day, I'm afraid that she's taken my lack of talking as being not interested in her. So I'm worried if I ask her it'll just completely catch her off guard and she wouldn't know what to say...

And like I said, I'm not entirely sure if she likes me in the same way I like her... I haven't noticed much to indicate to me that she does. Yeah, she gave me a lift but most anyone would have done that out of common courtesy, and she gave me her cell phone number just in case I needed it when she was picking me up. And she hasn't done much to tell me whether she was interested in the past too, though whether this is because she's genuinely not interested, as timid as I am about it , or because she expects me to do all of that sort of thing, I don't know

And I'd feel terrible giving her a sour memory associated with her high school graduation, and make her feel awkward the entire ceremony...

But don't worry, I haven't talked myself out of it (yet)! I know you guys really want me to just get on with it, and I will, I just want to be as prepared as possible for whatever outcome or situation I get, so when I look back on it, whatever happens, I know I gave it my best effort. Of course, I realize that doing these things for the first time never go as smoothly as planned, but I'd just like to avoid being clumsy as much as possible.

Though I've been trying to think of aspects of why she'd say yes too (not to be immodest)... I suppose I sort of lied when I said she had no dating experince, though I really just sort of forgot. She had gone with one guy to that dance in February a couple years ago. Nothing really came of it, they just went as dates. Though it did tell me what sort of guys she likes at least...

She's rather tall, probably 5'9" as a conservative estimate. She went with a pretty lanky guy, he's about 6'5". So understandibly she likes taller guys... I'm 6'3" 187 lbs, average build, which is hopefully sufficient...

I just hope I'll be able to catch a moment alone with her at the rehearsal, as I wouldn't want to ask her while she's with a group of her friends. Just because it'd be that much harder with an audience, and it'd put more pressure on her, and above all I want her to give a truthful answer. I hope I don't surprise her too much.