First of all, please excuse the cold way of writing. This is a complicated problem, and I want to be as clear as possible. I have this very strange problem with my relationships with women that is leaving me completely flabbergasted. Maybe some of you ladies can provide insight.
To let you know of my age, I'm 20 years old, an engineering student at a state university.
First of all, I ask you to consider some assumptions. Please let me know if you agree with them.
Assumption 1: A friendship implicates that you mutually desire to spend time getting to know each other, that it becomes a priority in life, not necessarily top, but important nonetheless.
Assumption 2: Honor is very important to the survival of a friendship, that you ought to be sensitive to a person's needs and respect the other person's desire to talk and connect, even if it's only for a few minutes.
I was developing some healthy friendships with some of my lady friends at a college campus church that I go to. I would approach them (like a real man should) and be assertive in starting conversation (as a real man should) and show interest in them, not necessarily their bodies but who they are as people and what they are doing in their lives (as a real, honorable man should do.) I wish to explore actual deep, fulfilling friendships them, not try to get them into bed (HONESTLY!)
Our church organized this really cool formal dinner and dance. I was one of the chefs and cut the prime rib, and I had asked several women at the meal if I could have the pleasure of dancing with them at the formal later that night. They all seemed enthusiastic. One of the women had expressed concerns about a very unfair disciplinary action she received in a class, and I encouraged her to cheer up, find some courage in her heart, and confront the Dean about it. She was very appreciative of the encouragement.
So I went to the dance for some fun. Going to the dance, I assumed two additional things. #3. Girls like to have fun. #4. Girls like romance. I just want to be friends but would want to provide some romantic fun, nothing serious. I wanted to make them feel good. Plus, I'm a romantic myself. Asking a girl to a dance formally, acting chivalrously, and expressing my thanks for her dancing with me with some small token like a rose petal is all stuff that really excited me. One of the girls I talked with, I grabbed her and swing danced really fast; she seemed to enjoy that. Two of the milder girls I slow-danced with. I gave them all single rose petals that I picked up from the dinner clean-up and thanked them for dancing with me.
And what happened next? I would hope that the experience would draw us closer as friends, but it did nothing but split us apart. Now all of a sudden, these same three women who I would talk freely with before seem to become very uncomfortable when I approach them in a friendly and loving manner. (The way Jesus would have me do.) They seem to find subtle and polite ways to escape a conversation with me, only to quickly find other male and female friends to initiate relaxed interaction. The vibe I get from them is definitely not a "I'm shy because I have a crush on you" but more of a "get away from me you stalker!" I could understand if it were just the anamoly of one woman, but this has happened with at least four different women in my age group. I don't think that "giving space" would be the right answer; there is a broken friendship there that needs to be fixed with open communication.
I read in all the books that girls like romance and fun. I'm starting to think it's a bunch of bologna. They don't seem to dig guys like me who will grab 'em from their boredom and take em for a "dangerous" ride. (although their safety and purity is always secretly secure; I make sure I protect 'em) They don't want boring nice guys either. They don't want people being themselves. I've tried being all of these, because I want to somehow connect with them closer AS FRIENDS. But nothings working....errrrr....it's so frustrating. I feel like I'm a wimp because I get so emotionally hurt when a friendship doesn't work out. (Or maybe I was just a bad dancer
)
Yes, I try to talk with them about the problem to try to break the ice. They say..."Oh nothing's wrong. It's late, I'm sorry I have to get back home." with shaky hands and terrible eye contact. Then after quickly moving to another part of the room, they go have some fun conversation with other male and female friends. Now, these are women I have already been acquainted with for several months with growing friendships, seeing them nearly every week. The change came upon ALL of them immediately after the dance. I email them expressing that I just want to be friends. No response. Dead silence. And it kind of hurts. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong I'm doing. Or if there's something wrong with me!
Assumptions 3 and 4 apparently are wrong! Most of the girls I've met neither want fun, intimate(nonsexual) talking friendship, nor romance in a non-serious relationship. All they want is superficial stupidity. Or is there just something I'm missing. Please help, ladies! Please, please, please be as brutally honest as possible! I want to solve this problem. I don't care if you think you'll hurt my feelings...lemme have it. If you would flame me with the darkest curses of the world, I still would not be hurt because of that! Silence is what bitterly slices through the heart like a knife.
God bless you all.
Carl O.
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