I need advice ASAP please!

[Nins]

Hi!

I'm new here and I have a pressing question. I hope you can help. I would really appreciate it.

Here's my story:

I'm a 23 year old female. I am dating a 19 year old guy. I'm a Afrikaans South African, my guy is an English South African. He can't really speak my language (in South Africa the Afrikaner language was oppressed by the English, therefore lots of Afrikaners here are very sensitive about the language issue...I don't really care about it).

I'm a geologist and I studied 5 years at University. My guy finished school and works for his father.

We stay about 3 hours apart. I moved out of my parents house for the first time this year. My parents stay in the same city as my boyfriend. When I go to visit them and him I stay at my parents house.

My father has banned me from coming to stay with them if that means I also want to see my guy over the weekend. My dad really dislikes my bf. He tells me I'm seriously busy messing up my life by dating this younger guy who did'nt go to college, still stays with his parents and doesn't have a "big" career. In my fathers eyes, my bf is a "child", a no good dropout without any potential or prospects to offer a woman. And my bf can't even speak my language!!! (The horror - I'm being sarcastic btw). My dad doesn't understand why i would want to spend time let alone be in a relationship with this "child". He tells me I have psycological problems for doing it and that I am going to pay dearly for this "mistake". My father speaks in a very derogatory and rude way about my guy and our relationship. It hurts me deeply and I feel a lot of anger towards my father.

The thing is, I really love my guy, he loves me, we have a happy relationship. But now I'm afraid I might be so blinded by love that I can't see the sense in anything my parents (dad) says? I feel like God gave my this wonderfull guy to love, and gave me the abbility to really feel love...so how can it be so wrong? Am I stupid or something? What should I do?

I've never really had a relationship with my dad, but now it feels like this issue is just tearing up any tiny bond that me might have had. It saddens me.

I hope you can offer me some advice please.

Thankyou

[Cain]

The guy is only 19. It's hard for me to believe he's a failure so I don't understand what your dad's problem is. A lot of people take a year or two off from schooling after they finish high school (or primary school, if that's what you guys call it).

Could your dad's problem really be that he's white and your black and he just doesn't want to say anything?

[lesa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cain

Could your dad's problem really be that he's white and your black and he just doesn't want to say anything?

Who said she was black?

[Cain]

Meh, I just assumed. I saw the word "Afrikaan" and assumed it was some type of black culture in South Africa. I'm not going to research every post before I respond. If both are white, that's all the OP has to say.

[lesa]

I think she would have mention if that she is black and he is white because she did mention that she is Afrikaans and he is English...but I am assuming too.

I think this is probably mainly a language and social status issue possibly. I think your father is placing him as a different socioeconomic background and feel that you can do better. Plus, the man is young and is at a different phase of life than you are right now. Are you okay with your boyfriend staying the way he is right now? Do you want him to change in any way?

[Gribble]

The difference between a 19 year old boy and a 23 year old woman is pretty big, actually. If you're happy, go for it. But I agree with your father that you could probably do a lot better than a 19 year old boy who isn't pursuing an education.

[Cain]

I looked everything up after you mentioned it and it appears Afrikaans is just a dialect. Don't get your panties in a bunch though, lesa. It's no big deal.

[lesa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cain

Don't get your panties in a bunch though, lesa. It's no big deal.

I'm not (not possible)...I am curious as well in the possibly reasons her father may behave the way he is and if they are interracial couple then that can be another reason...but I am guessing it is not an issue here. I think it is mainly social status and possibly culture too.

[Nins]

By the way, I'm not black. And Afrikaans is a language.

I know my guy is young and I don't care if he doesn't persue further education, that is a personal choice for everyone, if he chooses to study further, that's great for him. Furthermore, I know he still needs to find his feet as far as a career is concerned, and obviously that takes time. The thing is, I don't care. I also don't care about social status, different upbringings or culture. These things may possibly cause friction between people, but I don't see how they can pose HUGE problems in the bigger scheme of things. I know he is still in the process of starting his life. And I grant it to him to take his time to do that. If I get fed-up along the way then ofcourse I'll have to make some decisions concerning our relationship. But for now I like the person he is, and I don't need him to change, he can do that for himself if he wants to.

[shh!]

I agree with Gribble. This is a pretty significant age gap considering you (female) is older. It's pretty rare that a young woman your age is interested in such a young boy. Your dad is probably pretty concerned about your maturity level. I would be, too. It sounds like you are making decisions solely based on emotions, and that isn't a good thing.

[Lipp]

It's pretty obvious that your dad is concerned that you will end up in a relationship where you're educated and providing while he ends up loose and not succeeding, but at the age of 19 its too hard to judge how a person will end up, just because he hasn't gone straight to uni doesn't mean he's a mess, at least he's working instead of just hanging around doing nothing.

Around that age I reckon there's not much harm to keep things going, but the issue might arise again in a few years. I would say that you shouldn't make too many choices based on it though, if you want to pursue more education/job opportunities overseas but don't because he's living there you'd might want to reconsider.

[Nins]

I can understand why my dad is concerned...the maturity thing ect reflecting poorly on me...

I'm not looking to get married anytime soon. Is this age gap really a significant reason not to be in a relationship?

[shh!]

It may well be that he is a psychological match for you, but that doesn't mean your father shouldn't be concerned.

[thefallenheart]

From what you have said about your young man I cannot see what problems your father could have with age. You are 23 and he is 19. No real problem there that’s only 4 years/48 months/208 weeks/1461 days, not so much of an age difference really.

if it is the 'not going to uni' choice he has made, be it temporary or otherwise, then i take my metaphorical hat of to you. You are not materialistic. That is a rare and valuable trait in today’s world.
Not all those who shun further education are dead from the neck upwards. To use myself as an example, I left collage and went to work in a coal yard. I could out think most of the suit-wearing customers easily. Damn near every man has an ambition of a sort, be it ever so strange, in many cases it is just not career orientated.
Provided he is working, very important, and making enough to support you in leaner times then no problem there. At least he is never going to have to sacrifice his worth to blind ambition and avarice, and will never have to utter the words 'please may I have the forms necessary to requisition my soul back?' to anyone.

So the only problem that I can se your father having is a social dislike of him because your father is materialistic. Or thinks you are dating below yourself like you were in some sort of archaic tier based caste system.

[shh!]

Quote:

Originally Posted by thefallenheart

To use myself as an example, I left collage and went to work in a coal yard. I could out think most of the suit-wearing customers easily.

I bet you couldn't out-spell them, though.