too self-sacrificing?

[starbuck]

First off, thank you kindly for taking the time to read my story. My boyfriend and I met on the net. We had an online romance for 2 months and then moved in with me (it was spur of the moment, he came out for a visit and ended up staying). My boyfriend is a brain injury survivor. He was hit by a truck at age 14 and had a severe brain injury which left him in a coma for 3 months. He recovered with years of rehabilitation and some time in a brain injury clinic, but is blind in one eye and deaf in one ear. He is now 33 and hasn't worked in ten years, and has never really held down a steady job, due to lingering problems like depression and drug use, possibly injury-related. He is smart and can function pretty well doing certain things, even light computer programming, but he has problems with fatique, impulsivity, depression, migranes, and neck and back pain. He also smokes alot of pot.

We lived together for 4 months, took a one month break and now we are planning to move back in together in August. I want to support him fully while he tries to get back to work and/or school (he got his GED but never finished college). When he lived here before, I pretty much paid for everything and we had alot of fights about money. But now that I've read more about people with brain injuries, I think that he just moves at a much slower pace than other people because of his injury.

He is very vibrant and motivated when it comes to doing fun things, but he shuts down when it comes to things like job hunting. He has no concept of saving money. Any money he is given immediately gets spent. Despite all of his problems, he is very emotionally supportive of me and loves me very much. When I need a shoulder to cry on, need comfort/cuddles, or even just someone to kick back and have fun with he is right there. I am a college educated 36 year-old career woman who makes a good salary and can support us both for now, although we both have the hope that he will eventually get a job that makes him happy.

The problem is that my family is totally against us moving in together. They think he's manipulating me with the injury in order to live off of me. I can't even discuss it with them without everyone getting angry. It breaks my heart that my family doesn't understand. They are threatening to cut me off from them if he moves back in. They think I'm crazy for wanting to be with someone who has such a long way to go still with his recovery. He's got problems yes, but he's a very kind hearted, loving person, and I am in love with him. Any thoughts on the matter? Is there something wrong with wanting a partner that I may end up supporting for quite some time? My family thinks I'm bonkers and my friends are all shaking their heads. Everyone keeps telling me i can "do better" than him. Am I being too self-sacrificing for love?

[shh!]

I'm sorry, but I'm with your family on this (at least as far as him living off of you). He hasn't worked in 10 years (which implies he HAS worked since his accident, and now chooses not to). He is not incapable; he is just not interested. If my daughter chose a man like this, I would be heartbroken.

That being said, I think the real problem here is that you are not acknowledging exactly what you are asking for. If you *genuinely* have no problem supporting a man who refuses to work, takes drugs, and has (apparently) some mental health issues, and you accept this is a permanent condition, then it is your business who you choose to be with.

But please... consider objectively and realistically what kind of father and role model he will make before you get pregnant.

[starbuck]

The accident left him sterile so there are going to be no kids in the picture.

I am very compassionate towards his injury...possibly too compassionate? I have been reading alot about traumatic brain injury and reading stories from people who have similar injuries and they seem to have similar problems such as he, ie., not being able to work or returning to the workforce at a much slower pace than others.

That being said, I sometimes do feel like I am blinded by my love for him. No one really seems to understand why I would give up so much for someone, so sometimes I ask myself the same thing.

[IndiReloaded]

Feels good, looking after someone? "Rescuing" them?

Usually, people who sacrifice themselves for others have deep-seated issues with self-worth. Sorry hun, but that's the hard news for you.

I'd suggest counselling for YOU, alone.

And remember, sometimes the kindest gift you can give someone is a solid kick in the ass. You can't live his life for him, or be held responsible for it. Its called Tough Love.

Do NOT move in with this guy until he gets his shit sorted out. Do NOT support him. If you do already, start to wean him off. I hope you keep separate accounts. If not, start. You have every right to tell him your expectations & give him a time period in which to do something about it if he wants to stay with you.

His past is his past. The future is unwritten. But if you keep going down this path, you WILL end up growing resentful & feeling used. You are already starting to feel this way, so nip this in the bud now before you do something irreversible (like have a kid).

Good luck.

[Gribble]

I have no sympathy for unemployed pot-heads, brain injury or no.

[starbuck]

Thank you for the insight. I've never before dated/parntered with anyone with such a profound disability and it tends to make the issues more confusing for me. It's been hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he hasn't stepped up to the plate when some of his inability to be responsible has to do with his injury (possibly).

That being said...I think the writing might be on the wall, and I've just been too blind to read it.

[starbuck]

P.S. I'm really glad I found this forum. It seems like there are alot of good people here with valuable things to say.

[starbuck]

Just an update on my situation here. I broke it off with the aforementioned slothful guy. I had given him ample time (4 months) to step up and prove he was able to stand on his own, and he did the barest minimum. Not a good indication of things to come. I am in counselling to work on my own issues and this is easier and healthier without a maladaptive relationship getting in the way.

My family is happy and I am happy, too. And I'm proud of myself for doing what's healthy for me.

Thanks for the responses all.

[vashti]

Good for you. I hope you will maintain the strength to continue acting in your own best interests.

[starbuck]

Thank you Vashti. I've actually been in counselling since January, and my shrink has had some pretty useful things to say about the whole situation. We've talked alot about how it doesn't matter whether he can't or won't get a job, if my needs aren't getting met, then it's NOT a good relationship for me. Expecting your partner to get a job is a pretty basic need.

He's still emailing me and trying to worm his way back into my heart by telling me he'll change, but I seriously doubt he will. His habits seem way too ingrained.

Right now my therapist's on vacation. How dare those docs take a break from our problems!

[me_love_u]

Ha, what we do for love. I'm sorry to hear this and to tell you the truth he sounds like a guy who is living off you.

Oh should have read responses, lol. Anyway you did the right thing, love yourself before anyone else and its loving them too.

[IndiReloaded]

Meh, promises to change. I think you are doing the right thing, for both of you. Stay the course.

"An ounce of performance is worth a pound of promises."

[starbuck]

Quote:

Originally Posted by me_love_u

Ha, what we do for love. I'm sorry to hear this and to tell you the truth he sounds like a guy who is living off you.

Yes, he was. And I totally believe now that he was manipulating me, and I was a sucker who gave him the benefit of the doubt everytime. Throughout the relationship there were huge, honking red flags, but I chose to ignore them. Isn't denial wonderful?

It's getting easier and easier though every day. Anytime I slip up and think kind thoughts about him, all I have to do is remember the day that he told me he had filled out and turned in a bunch of job applications only for me to find them in my apartment later, with not so much as a name filled in.

Whether this behavior was caused by his own lazy, lying personality or caused by his prior head injury (he did have one...I felt the metal plate in his head), doesn't really matter in the long run. I'm just much better off without him. Plus, I'm starting to enjoy my freedom from all the stress he put on me. And my apartment smells much better without all the pot smoke constantly wafting through the air.

[IndiReloaded]

Quote:

Originally Posted by starbuck

Isn't denial wonderful?

Don't beat yourself up, tho, SB. Its a rite of passage to wisdom. It takes courage to peer into those dark corners of our mind & face the gibbering monkey. You'll need to do it again, but one gets better at it.

[Gigabitch]

Starbuck- stay strong! You're still high from the Big Surge of breakup energy- the danger point is still to come. Do yourself a favor and cut contact with this guy. He'll catch you in a weak moment and worm his way back in.

Stay here on LF. People here are very committed. You'll find the support you need here.