I've done this with someone else and fell into the "friends zone" way too easily. She was distraught over ex-fiance, I was there to comfort and be "a friend" and before I knew it, that's all I was.
The thing is right now she has BAGGAGE. Not that we all don't in some way, but you don't need that. She needs to cope with what's going on. If you want to be with her romantically, STOP being so much a friend. Limit your conversations and time, but when you DO spend time together, make them the best for both of you. Fun and exciting stuff. Don't do the "let's just sit and talk about the crap i'm feeling today while I pick at a sandwich" stuff. Get her out and having FUN with YOU!
I know you have feelings for her, I know you WANT to express that and that you care about her. But DECIDE what you want out of this. Friends?....or something more?
You know that guy she runs to fun "talking too?" Perhaps you need to be like him more. I bet that he doesn't call her often. Or even makes an attempt to just chill with her like you do. My gf had a guy like that before she met me. Loved the guy and they ended up sleeping together while she fell in love with him and he decided he just liked her as friends w/benefits. I'm not saying that's happening or going to happen.
If you want her as more than a friend, you have to be there as something besides a friend. SERIOUSLY. She's giving you that "I can't stand this dating shit" and yes, she does feel that way. She's going to NEED to feel that or she won't feel like she's learned and is growing from the pain of the past. What good would being hurt be if we didn't learn something or be stronger because of it? Exactly. She needs to work this out of her system to turn the hurt into something of VALUE, even though she never wanted to be hurt.
So let her know your intentions (and I know you kinda did) but tell her straight off the bat something like "You know I want to date you but if you're not ready then that's cool. Maybe when you feel like dating, I MIGHT be available but you know how things go."
Don't say it in a jerky way but just matter of fact. Let her know that you're interested in dating her, not DEVELOPING your friendship further because that's how it sounds like it's going. How are you going to feel when you're the friend she's running to saying "Oh, I met this guy in class. He's so nice and I get flutters in my stomach just thinking about him." It's going to suck!
As for the love thing. DON'T SAY IT! She's not ready for that. Especially not right now! She doesn't want to feel more responsibility for someone else's feelings. Don't be selfish and throw that on the weight she's already dealing with. I know love is different for everyone, but you should be in love with her for love that she's giving you. Is she giving you love that you feel for her? Are you sure you're not just infatuated with her just a little. Take a look from the outside at the inside self and look at what you see.
As for her birthday, just tell her happy birthday. Don't go get her something or go out of your way to do something special. Women want to KNOW that you are a catch. If you fall all over her to win her heart, there is no CHALLENGE in winning you.
Even now with the crap she's feeling from her ex-fiance, she WANTS to find someone worthy. She WANTS to find someguy who she feels lifted and makes her heart sing. Why would she not want that? Simply said is that she really would ACCEPT a bf if she FELT those positive feelings from him that make her feel ALIVE!
I know it's hard man, I know! There's some things you've done wrong (told her your nuts for her/already gotten s foothold in the "friends" department. BUT it is possible to make this change if you change your attitude and behavior around her. Be yourself of course, but don't fall over her heels, don't let her take you for granted because she WILL and she will JUSTIFY it with reasons that you're there for her and her FRIEND and that's what FRIENDS do! If you keep this up she WILL see you as a platonic-gay friend. (of course you're not gay but i'm saying that it will be almost irreversible in that condition to EVER be romantically involved with her!)
Thing is, right now she's down in the dumps over this last jerk. She knows you're there for her and you need to let her APPRECIATE your existance! No flowers, no "special gifts". You already said
Her birthday is coming up, and I intend to get her a gift. She actually already knows I'm getting it, as it is something a friend of hers was supposed to buy her but never got around to, so I promised her I'd get it for her. Perhaps I'll even go an extra mile to exceed her expectations and get something to go along with that gift. I'd get flowers (I do know what her favorite flower is) but that might be overkill.
YES, it's overkill. you are doing something her FRIEND was supposed to do for her therefore filling in the blank for her friend by BEING the friend. Don't do it!
You want her to see you as a fun guy to be with, who's time and company is precious and who is a catch. If she has reserved time for you on her bday, then do something super fun. What does she really love? Go do something that fits but make it YOUR own idea! Don't spend a ton to recreate a fantasy of hers, make it unique from you that says "Hey, you spend time with me, you'll always be smiling and having fun!"
Leave her that day remembering the good times you had together and thinking "Gee, Ricky is really fun to hang around. I wonder what he's doing later?"
And then, (here comes the hard part for you with the way you feel now) become more or less, unavailable. Tell her you're busy with your own things. Don't give her the "i don't feel like it." she has to FEEL that you really do have things to do and a life besides her. Better yet, go on a date with someone or break plans with her to make a date with someone. "I think I have a date tomorrow, but i'll have to double check with her. I'll let you know if i'm free though. But we should definatly hang out again soon! It was a blast last time we went out!"
Let her know that it's good times with you but that she has to WIN your time and energy.
Yes, everyone I know this sounds like mind games but I do not condone that! (other than relationships on a whole being a continuing game of "give and take, push and pull" because it really is a game! We're always trying to "win" that balance between 2 people)
What this will do for you is show you what her true intentions are. REMEMBER women can SAY and DO different things without feeling torn or that their being hypocrites if the 2 don't match. "well, of course I love you ricky. You're so sweet." (as she the runs into the arms of another man)
DON'T call her. Let her call you. But when she does call you, LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Women really just want us to listen. They don't want us to tell them what to do or really even what we think UNLESS, they ask for it. ;-)
Ask her about what's been going on, things she working on but try and stick to just GOOD/POSITIVE things. Keep the conversations down to 10 minutes or less. SERIOUSLY. It's good if she rambles on about how much school sucks, or that her gf's are being mean or whatever. It's good if she knows she can talk to you about anything, but DON'T let her just use you as an outlet. You have things to do and people to see besides her. Unless she's just bawling her eyes out over something serious, YOU end the conversation but politely. "Hey, I have to get to class/homework/date/etc, but i'm glad we could talk about problem/issue and I hope things work out for you. Have a great day and i'll talk to you later."
Unless you're making plans or you're talking about what a great night you had with Jane Doe out clubbing, break the convo first and end on a POSITIVE note. If you can get her to laugh before you hang up, you've already won this round. :-)
Men don't get this but this is VERY VERY POWERFUL to do. I've experimented with this and it DOES WORK! You do it right and she will be calling you sooner then you think and she might not even understand why she feels like calling you.
Go on a couple "dates" and make sure it's something fun and entertaining. Be that guy that nobody else is with her. Make sure you "infer" that they are dates. Don't get doing the friends chit chat, talk about relationship things even if she acts like she doesn't want to. Oh, and NEVER NEVER agree with things she says when you don't. EVEN IF you think it would make her feel better. If anything, find something simple to disagree on and voice your opinion. "What do you see in "The Bachelor"? It's a silly show where women fight over each other to win some guy that half the time comes out to be an asshole." Let her know you have your own views that you won't change because she feels differently.
After a few "dates", let her know that you want to start dating her. If she brushes you off, do the same. Let her KNOW that you're not going to subsutitute the fun times you give her w/romantic intentions in exchange for "friendship". You don't want that, don't settle for it. You're the prize to be won here.
No matter what, even if my advice works for you and you 2 hook up, she needs to give you the love that you want to give. If that's not there, she's basically just a job. You working to get something in return. If you don't work, it never gives on it's own.
You need someone to SELFESSLY give of themselves to make you happy. That is what true love is really about. It's a good feeling when you feel that for the first time from someone who loves you.
Good luck Ricky. If you like my advice, then i'm glad. If you hate what I say, then i'm glad you took the time to read it and post about your experiences. At least you're living in the pursuit of love as we all should.
), and I'll ask her how things are going and just talk about her for a while. After that I'll just sit and wait to see if she calls me next, and hopefully things will get moving.
Linear Mode
