JEALOUSY!! aaaargh!! Am I exaggerating??

[keine_Engel]

I've been in a steady relationship for a year and a half now. We are both teenagers, but we are looking on spending our futures together.

The question is: I am really jealous, althogh I most times don't let it out; I only do so when I am really reaching my limits. I know he is completely faithful to me, and I tottaly trust him; I don't trust them. He has his girlfriends, I never tried to scew up his frienship with them, as he has also respected my friendship with guys.

I once told him that it annoyed me that he would meet a girlfriend or girlfriends alone. He never forbid me of doing so, but when I had those invitations, I'd refuse them, because I am not the type: "You can't do, but I can".

I met some of his girlfriends and they seemed nice, I had nothing against them. One of them,"W", who barely knew me, even invited me for her birthday. He knew her on IRC and their friendship is based on the net, once they don't see eachother very often, despite living in the same city. I went to her birthday party and I thought she was really sweet. However, by my boyfriend's birthday, 2 weeks after hers, it all changed.

She showed up at the restaurant door and hugged him really tight. My friends were shocked, but I thought it was normal, it was a greeting hug and a birthday hug as well. She sat in front of him during the dinner, and, from time to time, she'd squeeze his cheeks, tried to hug him... She knew I was his girlfriend and I was sitting next to him! I wasn't feeling comfortable at all. When we kissed, she'd go like "stop that, behave!". She said it like she was just kidding, but I also say things kidding when I know it's bad to say them seriously.

We got out of the restaurant and I was with my 2 best friends and the boyfriend of one of them. My boyfriend was talking with his friends, talking to all the groups... when I hear my friend's boyfriend say "impose yourself, keine_Engel". I wasn't facing the group where he was looking to, so I asked what was wrong. I look at my friend's faces, they were stunned and just said "you wouldn't want to know", when I began hearing "W" calling me. I slowly turned around, pretending I was just having a general view, and I see her hanging on my boyfriend's neck, and he wasn't holding or hugging her. Then I heard her say "keine_Engel! He won't let me go!!" (and he wasn't grabbing her!! his arms were hanging next to his body!). She had been grabbing him for over 2 minutes.

Then, the whole gang went to a bar and on the way I told my boyfriend that she was pushing it. He said he was sorry, I told him he didn't need to say anything, it wasn't his fault, but hers. My boyfriend and I came to my house, to put down the gifts, while everyone else went to the bar. "W"'s boyfriend showed up and, surprise, surprise, she didn't touch my boyfriend anymore!

After this, I wouldn't stand her. My boyfriend knew about it, but he never stopped talking to her. And I didn't want him to do so, all I wanted was for him not to give her the intimacy for her to do those things... specially in front of me, I saw it as a lack of respect!

Thursday, my boyfriend told me he had seen her at lunchtime and that she had invited him to lunch in her house. That's all he said, because I asked somthing meanwhile. Today, at lunch, he tells me "WOW! "W"'s house is amazing!!". I felt a knot on my throat, I couldn't believe he had gone to her house! Obviously, I sulked. When we were having a walk, he'd want to hug me, I'd say no. I wasn't exactely silent, but I didn't talk much either; however, I wasn't agressive or harsh on my answers.

He eventually asked me why I was pissed off, I told him to think and he goes "because I had lunch over at "W"'s". I just told him: "I asked you not to be alone with girls, and you didn't do so. And had to chose her...".

Another thing that pissed me off, but I didn't tell him because I didn't want to mess anymore, was that when I sometimes suggest having lunch at my house, he refuses, saying he doesn't want to bother my mother. WTF?! He knows my mom for 18 months now, she likes him, he likes here too... he knows my mother for much more time and much better than "W"'s mother!

First, it was her hugging, like she wanted something out of him (actually, everytime my boyfriend, she, I and her boyfriend were together, she never touched my boyfriend...maybe she's aware that what she does is wrong and doesn't want to do it in front of her boyfriend....). Now, it's him meeting her at her highly probable empty house, after telling me he wouldn't be alone with girls... ARGH!!

I know I must be exaggerating and I'm gonna be flamed, but I needed to let this out! This is killing me... if he goes on with this, I will do exactely the same thing... maybe he won't mind, maybe he will...I hope he does, that way, he won't do it again... specially with that... BITCH!!

ps -- sorry for the huge post =(

[BillyGalbreath]

O M G !

I did not want to say anything before - but I am the jealous type too - In fact - What you just said sounds exactly like what I do. I always thought my jealousy was a bad thing - but after reading what you jsut put i thought about it and you know what? Its not bad at all. In fact - I have to agree with you 100%.

I am not one to tell my other to not have friends od the opposite sex - but I do draw lines (no exxesive hugging or touching/no alone time/etc..)

If they go past the lines I see it as direspect towards me. Repeated offenses show signs of cheating (trust me - i have proof now that my ex wife was cheating at these times)

I really dont know what to tell you - I am very touchy in this area - hehe.

I wont tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do. I would sit his happy little ass down and show him where all my lines are drawn. And then tell him 'I have shown you before , but maybe you forgot.' And then I would tell him that he better not forget this time cause once he crosses them again that the lines will become walls and he will be stuck on the other side. - or something very similar to that - hehe - i am evil i know But I am not one to be walked on.

But anyways - how old are you ? You said you were a teen - does this mean 13-17 or 18-19 ? You sound like the exact girl I would date. hehe

[dragoon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by keine_Engel

I know he is completely faithful to me, and I tottaly trust him; I don't trust them.

You don't trust him. When it all comes down to it, he is always in control. He can always say no. He can always get out of the situation. Saying you don't "trust them" suggests they can gain control over him. They can't. You really don't trust him.

[keine_Engel]

Billy41684:

What makes me feel bad about all of this is that I know he isn't jealous at all. He lets me do whatever I want to do, but I don't allow him to do what he wants (although, as I said, I don't do to him what I don't want him to do to me).
I will do as suggested, I will talk to him about it, but I feel bad out it, it's hard for me to tell him because of what I said in the first paragraph.
I am a teen, but I am not 13-17 or 18-19... I'm 17 and a half =p "W" is 9 months older than me (making her 18) and my boyfriend is a year and a half older than me (currentely 19).


dragoon

I understand you think I don't trust him. Maybe, deep inside, I'm afraid he gives in and cheats on me; if I think so, it's unconscious.
Let me see if I can explain what I mean... for me, she is flirting him, she wants to have something with him. That's why I feel uncomfortable that he is with her: because I know she must be flirting him, and he knows I feel that way. I don't know if you got what I mean... I apologize, sometimes, it's difficult for me to express in English...

[dragoon]

You're going to drive him away though. Removing someone's freedom, and out of jealousy at that, is a great way to have them build up negative feelings about you and the relationship. It shows a bad side of you at that. If he really likes/loves you, then you have nothing to worry about. If he respects you (and he better), then if he does meet someone he wants to be with, he'll tell you. And if that's the case, then, well, the fact is you're SOL anyway. If he cheats on you? Then he's scum who had no respect for you and you don't need him in your life (as hard as that will be).

So really, being jealous and controlling won't lead to any good. There's nothing you can do to keep him with you, besides just being yourself. He has to make that choice. Make that choice easy for him by showing you trust him, respect him, and allow him to live his life how he chooses. Trying to control him? It's just going to drive him away. If a girl tried to control me, I'd first try to talk to her. If that didn't help, I'd be out of there.

[BillyGalbreath]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragoon

...So really, being jealous and controlling won't lead to any good. There's nothing you can do to keep him with you, besides just being yourself. He has to make that choice. Make that choice easy for him by showing you trust him, respect him, and allow him to live his life how he chooses. Trying to control him? It's just going to drive him away...

um.. yeah.. I have proof that is WAY wrong. I never 'controlled' my ex wife. Yes I was jealous of what she did - but I never once mentioned it to her because I tried to think the way you are talking now -- well when I so called 'gave her freedom' she went buck wild, became a stripper, slept with many guys, even some for money... All in the mean while I was 'trusting' her and gave her that freedom and I didnt even see what was going on in the relationship because she had the 'freedom' to go out and party for hours and hours and hours. I hardly ever saw her. In all relationships there MUST be boundaries. each person must respect the others boundaries. THAT is what makes or breaks a relationship. nothing else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by keine_Engel

...What makes me feel bad about all of this is that I know he isn't jealous at all. He lets me do whatever I want to do, but I don't allow him to do what he wants (although, as I said, I don't do to him what I don't want him to do to me)...

If he has no boundaries for you then he hasnt fully committed himself to you. And it is very good that you dont do the things that he does. If you did you would be no better than him. Stick to your morrals. If he dont like it - then he can go do that shit to "W". There are plenty of ppl like you. Hell, I am one of them. All ppl have different boundary lines. Some are less than others (your b/f). And some are to the extreme (controlling). And then you got the norm (ppl like you and me).

Jealousy is of of those emotions that only exist when the subconscious knows something is up. Find out whats going on with your man. Talk to him. And then take it from there.

I hope I have helped without confusing you or making anyone upset.

[dragoon]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Billy41684

um.. yeah.. I have proof that is WAY wrong. I never 'controlled' my ex wife. Yes I was jealous of what she did - but I never once mentioned it to her because I tried to think the way you are talking now -- well when I so called 'gave her freedom' she went buck wild, became a stripper, slept with many guys, even some for money... All in the mean while I was 'trusting' her and gave her that freedom and I didnt even see what was going on in the relationship because she had the 'freedom' to go out and party for hours and hours and hours. I hardly ever saw her. In all relationships there MUST be boundaries. each person must respect the others boundaries. THAT is what makes or breaks a relationship. nothing else.

Did you ever consider maybe you guys were doomed anyway? I highly doubt trying to control her would have done any good. Do you really think it would have helped? You can't make someone love you, or even like you. They have to do it entirely on their own.

[keine_Engel]

I think I may be called "restrictive", but not controlling. For me, I would be controlling him if I'd call him every hour "Hi. Where are you? Who is with you? What are you doing?" and if I'd follow him. Yes, I impose some rules... and sometimes, I may be jealous but I don't tell him, because I know it just hits me in that moment and that, whithin 5 minutes, it will be gone.

By the way, I spoke to him today about what hapenned... he apoligized (sp?) and addmitied he had pushed it. I told him that I understand that, for some people, a hug may mean nothing (one of my best friends is like that, she hugs everyone), and maybe she's one of those. What I find suspicious is that she doesn't do it around her boyfriend. My boyfriend felt that was also weird.
Also, when he was leaving the elevator's door opened at the exit of her building, her bf was there with a friend. Her boyfriend looked behind to see who it was, turned back to his friend and only THEN he realized who it was. My bf says that, by the look on his face, she must have hear a few things from him as well. lol

I told my bf I was sorry about acting this way, because he isn't jealous. He said it isn't not being jealous, it's giving freedom. He said I give him freedom as well, and that it was right for me to act this way about what he had done. (he must really love me...lool)

I'm not usually this extreme with jealousy. It's with this particular girl... if he wants to go out with his friends, weather it is his class, or a boys night out, he's free of going... my biggest concern is that he gets home safe and sain (his friends have to drive he home, sometimes, and what I fear is that the driver may drink too much). As I am free to go out with my friends as well

[bluesummer]

Well, I don't know if I WOULD trust him. I have been dating this guy who I always suspected was a 'player'....had lots of girl friends, lots of girls that liked him. We fell in love and dated for two years. He swore he never liked any of these girls, and when I said "Oh, I bet they like you though," he'd be like no no no, they are just friends, they don't like me. So I trusted him to hang out with them alone, in clubs, whatever. Then he broke up with me for a friend of one of these girl 'friends'. And I asked him, "so, did any of those girl 'friends' like you?" and he was like "yeah, so many of them told me they wanted to go out with me." So, I trusted him and he lied. He said he didn't want me to be angry with them. He swears he never cheated, but a guy who will hang out with a girl thats all over him, even though he knows his gf doesn't like it, is not a trustworthy man. Trust me, my bf has been dating someone else for 2 months and he was sleeping with me for 1 of those months and telling her he wasn't. She forbids him to hang around me, but he sees me everyday and still tries to kiss me, tells me he loves me, blah blah blah. Don't be too trusting, there have to be boundaries somewhere. It doesn't make you jealous, it makes u smart.