memories (rambles of the past)

[Bonovox40]

I don't know why but for the last few days I keep thinking about my past and my future rather often. And usually it's things that start to bring me down. Like from the past the good times I had with women, but realize that alot of it was lies/deceit and just fake. It makes me feel that i'm incapable of recognizing what is real and what is fake with other people. Like my naiveness is just so great sometimes that I think i'd be better off as a hermit where I don't have to build social skills and such. Of course i'd never do that, I feel like I NEED people too much anyway, even with the mistakes I made.
Like with the trooper test. I feel like I was too naive and took the flawed package from the lady when I really should have KNOWN not to. I passed somehow but my naiveness in the real world could've been my death or tragedies of some sort.

I just keep thinking about my past with women. Basically since 1999, I have been deceived and used. And honestly there was only a short period of time. (2-3) months, that I KNEW that I was being lied to and just accepted it. But that's basically 5 years of being betrayed by others when there were ALWAYS signs that I should've/could've seen if I just paid more attention or were more experienced with people.

Like the other day I was stopped at a light and some fundraisers came over to me and I gave them a buck. I had no idea what the organization was. It could've been the youth KKK auxilliary or something. (It wasn't) But I gave them a buck. I actually didn't WANT to, but I couldn't help myself. The guy standing there looking at me smiling holding his can of bills out to me... Why am I so gullible? I mean the group was some church based needy people support organization so that was fine, but I really wanted to say "no thanks" but couldn't. If i'm on the streets and I pull over someone and they cry and moan about having a bad day and such. Will I just let it go? What if they were driving 80 in a 55 and cut off someone earlier and may have caused an accident? Will I just be gullible and say "Well, I know how that can be. Have a nice day." ?

It makes me look back at my interaction with people over time. In school I was picked on. When someone feighned interest in me, guy or girl, I took it for true intentions and got burned for being gullible.
Same with women but oh so much worse over time. I meet someone, feelings start to grow. I actually believe that i'm special to them and that they look at me as someone important in their lives and openly share their feelings with me because they actually care/love me at some point.
1st ltr gf said all that but was a "chain dater". You know, had to have someone else lined up before moving on. She said she broke up with her bf because it was long distance and started dating me. The whole time he always called her. She emailed him. Told me that "He's just sad about us breaking up and doesn't believe that i'm with you." I was like "How could that be? Didn't you tell him about me and break up with him for real?" She was like "Kinda"

That went on for 2 years because she told me that she only had feelings for me. I found out after we finally broke up almost after 3 years (mainly because she went and had an "encounter" with a B/D S&M married couple) that she was the whole time corresponding with him pining over him and denying my existence to him. Lying to both of us to get what she wants. Where's the love when she said she loved?

But the fact is I should have KNOWN. It was all there in front of my eyes and I IGNORED IT ALL! She cybered, when I came over she'd minimize her windows or quickly tell me to wait downstairs. She'd be VERY suspiscious of me using her computer or taking calls when I was around. It was all a cloak and dagger game and I fell for it. Stabbed in the back but I bent over and stuck a "I like it between the 7th and 8th vertabrae if you don't mind" sign. I asked for it because I was gullible, naive and not confident about what I deserved and accepted.

Then comes Robin. She immediatly told me that she was dating some guy which wasn't working out but CHEATING on him with her ex of 9 years. *BEE DOO BEE DOO!* I should've heard the klaxons and seen the red lights flashing but no. I felt something about her that drew me towards her. Sorta a raw feeling that I knew we would click in some way and we did. Sexually. But that was it. I let my lust get in the way of reasoning and common sense. Why? I KNEW I wanted more than just sex. I wanted feelings and companionship and to be able to give AND receive something honest back.

I told my brain to F'k off sent it on a vacation only asking for it back when things hit the fan.

She betrayed me after a year or so for her ex. Not a big surprise in the reality department. He called all the time drove by and she wouldn't let him GO from her life. But she didn't want to. And I never made her.
After it was all said and done I experienced MASSIVE changes in my life I never knew of before. Most of them sorrowful and painful to face. But I moved on and am dealing with them as best as I can. It was quite a wake up call to the pain and evil that one human being can do to another when there is so called feelings and "love" offered. (I'm not saying that we are capable of doing terrible things murder/war/rape, but most of the time there isn't "love" between the doer/victim.)

So i'm basically free for a few months. Along comes Joy. Gives me attention and acts like i'm something special. I see immediatly flaws in her that I don't want. But, my brain takes a hiatus again on order from my heart and I get into the mix again.

I decide that I can woo her and control her basically. And momentarily, it looks as though I did. I felt that she was wrapped around my finger and I loved it. But the mistake I made was that I CARED about her being around my finger. If I hadn't and just behaved like "this is fun but it's no big deal. Whatever happens, happens." I would've been ok more or less.

I got feelings for her because she EXPRESSED feelings for me. Then I stopped acting like the stud/aloof jerk, and started being me. Then she saw through the charade and knew who I was. There was no studly guy who was playing here anymore. It was just a lure. She really didn't want to love me, but she wanted someone like Pat and I EXPRESSED that reality for her momentarily. I was someone who was confident, cocky, didn't care about her or where she stood and wasn't going to change for her no matter what.

That's the part I PLAYED that she LOVED. Nothing else really. I'm sure she felt GOOD when I treated her like a human being with emotions. But to her, it felt wrong. Like she KNEW she didn't deserve the openess and honesty I gave her so she shut me out and went back to him since he would only give her a half-assed version of something real. Sure, there's probably more to it than that but it doesn't matter now.
I let myself be drawn into to someone with issues and BELIEVED what they said to be true even when they acted like they didn't understand what love is. Even when she wouldn't DROP Pat because it would affect us. And then it did. But it was really what she wanted. If I was Brad Pitt, it wouldn't have mattered. She didn't want someone new to love, she wanted Pat to love her which he never really will in that way and she knows it. She's basically pulling a version of my mentaility and naiveness with the opposite sex. And sometimes I pity her. But more often, I pity myself for accepting the flawed decesions I make.

I'm as flawed as the women I meet. It's no wonder why I end up like this. We attract each others like animals do. Dogs go to dogs, cats go to cats. The flawed find others with flaws and the healthy ones look for those who are healthy to create the best future for themselves. It's kinda cut and dry at that level but there's more to it then that. It's the behavior and act. Animals go by instinct. We do too, but we can IMITATE what we're not and what we want others to see of us.

It's always a game. I have to appear to be undamaged, prime goods to attract the best women. BUT, doing so, I will attract the attention of UNWANTED and flawed women as well. It's a fact that people look at the same level or higher in attraction. Most people NEVER go down the ladder. But many people end up their because of mistakes and deceit.

So perhaps there's good things about me even though i've been used/flawed. But the women that run to me ARE flawed. But maybe their on my level so it's not so far off to think that i'm attracting these women because i'm right there with them somehow.

Of course I don't want to settle for my level or lesser. I want someone better because this isn't working out this way. But if I do meet someone/deceive someone into thinking i'm so much better or on the same field as her, how long can I keep it up? And who's to say that they aren't playing the same game I am? That they're damaged and ACTING out something that they aren't?

It makes me feel that dating is pointless and that I will never have any REAL love or passion because it could always be a charade and i'll always doubt. I can't read minds, i'll never be able to see the truth behind someone's eyes no matter how close so why should I just "hope for the best" when getting close to someone? Why put everything at risk again never really knowing where I stand and what I represent to that person? I sometimes wonder "why take the chance if you'll never really know?" or "Why give 100% because that person might only be giving 45%? Better to play it safe and hold back because you're too important to give yourself away anway."

I don't know. I'm just rambling. I have to get back to work. Thanks for reading this though.

[jslaughter]

More than anything I wish I could give you a big hug. I don't think I am an over-emotional chick, but reading this post got me a little choked up.

I can only say that I have had alot of bad relationship experience also - my past is checkered with infidelity, deciet, and more heart break than I care to admit. However, in every new relationship I continue to give the person I am with everything that I have because I really believe with my whole heart that when I find that special person he will deserve everything that I have to give and he will appreciate it. He shouldn't be penalized because other people in my past were jerks.

You just have to have faith that what's at the end of the journey makes the trip worthwhile.

[BillyGalbreath]

Damn Bono - i read that and I basically felt I was reading my own life. I wish I had the ability to express myself with words as good as you do man. But as for Jslaughter's comments about the trip is worthwhile - in a round about way she's right. I have a different approach on it (deals with religion, astrology, fate, and crap like that) but I wont go into detail.

Just hold your head up high, keep smiling, and keep on going. Don't stop. Don't try any less. Don't give in. You keep going and you will get there, I promise.

I keep on going everyday. I push thru all the bad of each day, learning, growing, getting stronger physically and emotionally. I know one day things wont faze me as bad. Pain wont hurt as much. All negative emotions you will learn to control and they will not effect you nearly as much as they do now.

People would then ask me "Then that means you will Love less and feel Love less in return." This is false. You can't grow an emunity to something that your not exprosed to. Right now. Down these roads we are traveling, we are not being exposed to Love. But we are being exposed to Hate, and everything negative and painful. We will grow our emunities to these things, making the game of life alot less harder to live. And then when Love DOES come along, we will see it. We will feel its pleasure. We would taste it the way we'd never tasted it before. And it will be a great day. I promise you that. That will be the greatest day of your life. It is the day I keep pushing myself thru this hell to get to. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I know this. I have faith in it.

One day we will prevail and we will be able to give our all and feel no pain, but feel Love to its fullest potential.

[jslaughter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillyGalbreath

One day we will prevail and we will be able to give our all and feel no pain, but feel Love to its fullest potential.

WOW that is awesome - I really like it!

[BillyGalbreath]

yeah it is pretty good, huh ? I should add that to my siggy - hehe - whenever I say something good I like to put it in my siggy.

[Bonovox40]

That's basically why I feel that I should just ACT out how I initially was with Joy. I was someone I wasn't and she was attracted to that. When I opened up, everything went downhill. Sure I messed up by opening up too quickly and putting all my eggs in one basket, but then again, she really didn't want that from me. She said so, but it was just a cover. She wanted her ex. She admitted at the end that she knows he doesn't love her how she wants him to but will always hope. She'll always pine over him. At least I walk away and save face. Sure I felt the sting of rejection and some betrayel. But if I ACTED like how I initially was. I wouldn't have been hurt and enjoyed her company knowing that she was just a step until the next person I meet. Just a ripple in the pool of my life and that's what all my ex's should've been instead of feelings like rocks thrown in. But then again, I could've had them end up to be ripples instead of splashes. But I was weak and naive and didn't understand any better how emotions can cloud judgement.

Of course she wasn't "the one", but if whoever that is, when I meet her I will probably figure it out. Until that point, what would be so bad about being someone i'm not? Just playing the game with whoever i'm with regardless of what they feel because if it's true love, it will last through the game, and if not, then it doesn't really matter does it? So why not take this approach so I don't get hurt? Just play up to anyone and if they ACT like they have feelings, so be it. If I don't think they're "the one" then i'll just enjoy what we have together and what I get from her and when it ends, it ends. I didn't give too much of myself to put into jeopardy, and I didn't ask for her to bear her soul (or act like she is), so she can walk away and save face. Only thing she loses is time spent. If it's not mean to be it wasn't really love to begin with because i'll never have opened up enough for her to love the real me. Just love how I treat her. She should be able to see that anyway, and if not then she'll learn from her mistakes like we all do.

If I feel that she's the one, then i'll stop playing and be me. If it doesn't work, then i'll take the pain and try again. But acting this way, it will probably save me alot of heartache and pain in the long run. What's so bad about that? Wouldn't it be nice to be the one to win in a relationship? I'd like to think so.

[jslaughter]

***Jules give Bonovox40 a BIG hug***

I wish I could do more

[BillyGalbreath]

I like your approach - you have shown me a side I didnt really look at - but it gave me more things to think about. ... .. . . ... Ok don thinking.

Why be someone else when you can be yourself MUCH easier. You dont have to 'work' to be yourself. You dont have to think or wonder what the other person WANTS to see/hear. Just be yourself 24/7.

If you try to be someone your not you'll be ok at first. But then THAT will start to eat at you and then guess what... you have a whole new set of problems in your life. Just be yourself.

Even when you go out to clubs/bars or ANYTHING at all - hell even the damn grocery store - just be yourself. Someone somewhere is looking for you. And if your pretending to be someone else then they are just gonna look right past you and not even think twice.

Be yourself. It will be easier. Show your REAL smile. Not someone else's. You will attract the kind of people you want to attract alot easier too. You will be an overall happier person. Your self confidence will grow and it will show.

This doesn't mean fall for every woman that comes your way. Don't even think about it. Just see her as a friend. Be yourself around her. If she stays then she likes who you are. Simple. And still dont fall for her tho just because of this. Be friends. Have fun. Go places with her (as friends). She will opem up to you. You are already open to her. The truth will be out in the open from the beginning and you BOTH will know what your getting yourselves into.

God made you who you are for a reason. Dont try to change fate. Don't fight the current. Go with the flow, and you shall get to your destination sooner and with less effort.

[Bonovox40]

My friend basically thinks that Karmically, i'm messed up. That I have to turn the negative energy around from being used, and dump it on someone else. That the next person I get with will deserve it because that's how it works. I believe more in faith of course then Karma. But what if the idea that "People get what they deserve" is accurate? Maybe I got what I deserve but If I go out looking for someone to use like i've been used, perhaps they're deserving of that anyway. If I don't act like me, then she's not even attracted to me. She's attracted to whoever I perceive myself to be. So if it's not really me, then maybe she's deserving of who I choose to be perhaps. Shouldn't the right person see through my charade.

[Bonovox40]

I have been myself for years and this is what I get. So who's to say it's been the right thing to do? Maybe being me is only good for attracting flawed/damaged people. So if that's the case, I have to either ACT like someone else, or change. And I kinda like being me. BUT, I also enjoyed acting like someone else and seeing the success of it working out. Why not enjoy the best of both worlds?

[BillyGalbreath]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bonovox40

...Shouldn't the right person see through my charade.

Can you see thru other peoples charades ? No. So dont expect anyone to see thru yours. It wont happen - just be yourself. Anyone thats doesn't like you for who you are, to hell with them. There are plenty of people that would LOVE to meet you for who you are.

Just be yourself, as God intended, and follow your path. Your fate will be played out as it should. Just have faith. Trust in something that is Bigger than yourself. Karma does have its play in fate. They both work hand in hand. And yes, people do get what they deserve. Stop thinking about what others deserve, and think about yourself. Maybe your going thru all of this pain because you dont be yourself. Learn to be yourself.

With Karma all things come back 3 fold. Remember that. You dont be yourself, and pretend to be someone else, then your gonna find people that do it worse than your do and have more to hide. Like Joy. If you be yourself, then you will find people that show themselves also.

Live the life you want to live. Be the person you want to be. And the right match will find its way to you. Think of yourself as a peice of a huge puzzle. you were made to be that certain peice. Dont try to be a different peice or your going to screw up the whole puzzle.

[Bonovox40]

It just feels that whatever piece I am, that maybe i'm trying to put myself in the reverse way. That maybe i've been going at it all wrong since everything has come back to bite me in the ass for having good intentions in a way. My friend thinks I just loved getting some from Joy, that I didn't really love her. But I don't know how I can agree with that. True, I didn't love her as much as other people, but I DID have feelings for her and part of me did love her. It wasn't the sex. It wasn't even that good most of the time. And the positive things she said about what we did, I never really believed that much. It didn't feel quite right coming out of her mouth. And maybe I knew that to be true because I didn't put as much into it as I would've really wanted to.

If I did, I would've been burned so much worse. It was funny in a way. I just did "regular" things with her. Went out with her. Had dinner, watched movies, go bowling, talk, go for walks, visit friends and have sex. That was "regular". I knew that I shouldn't do "special" things like I did with Robin, because she burned me and it didn't matter how special I tried to make things or give of myself. I didn't take Joy to special places or events, didn't place her on a pedestal above me or bend over backwards for her. (except going to prom which was the ONE thing that was noticably different)

The funny thing was Joy felt that I HAD done special things the whole time. She looked at dinner and a movie as being treated like a princess. That nobody else had ever done that for her. That's basically like "WTF? Have you been living in a cave being beaten with a guy with a club?" But more or less, yes she had been and accepted it. So by not being totally me, I still showed her more than she ever had before, and it didn't matter at the end. So if I opened up more, I just would've been burned again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

That has been basically twice in a row under the whole "Leave you for ex" thing. (1st gf doesn't count because she cheated on me with a couple first BEFORE going back to her ex, but hey it's pretty close)

So if I was REALLY ME, id've been devestated and hurt and most likely have been cheated on before we broke up. But because I WASN'T me, and held back and was cautious, I got out of it in a resonable period of time before getting screwed.

So what's the benefits of not playing defense in this case of being who you are?