IS a solution possible? :(

[sadness]

Hi i'll try make this post short -

My gf and i have been together for about 2 and a half years, her parents do not approve of me. The reason: They are very wealthy and my family is just average. My parents are traditional and quiet hers are more 'out there'. We are just too different, we also dont live ina fancy house or drive fancy cars -they do.

To this day, her parents still think we are friends but keep warning her to keep her distance from me and make sure that she does not get involved with me because if she did she would have to choose between her father or me. (her father is the one against it all but the mother follows obviously).

We've come to a point where we realise that we can't keep going hiding this from them and that the longer we wait the longer the consequences would be. If she tells her dad he will be angry with her for god knows how long and shes pretty certain he would never forgive her, if she does not, then our other option would be to break up in the near future. Even if i become wealthy they still would not allow it because our familys are just too different.

I'd really appreciate any feedback on what to do, i feel so helpless.

[jslaughter]

Sadness, first welcome to our group as I saw you just joined today - we are all hear to offer advice, just remember it is your choice to take it or not . . .

I fear that you are helpless, most of this is on your girlfriend. I fear that I have been where she is - not that my family is "rich" but my Dad is a Doctor and he and my Mother have a certain idea of how they think things should be. For example - I am supposed to marry a doctor or a lawyer!

I'm not sure how old you and your girlfriend are but I will say this - - if Mom and Dad are still paying the bills, they still have a certain amount of control over her life. The Almighty $ vote. Your girlfriend may ultimately have to decide what she wants more - your love or their support.

However, if she is on her own then their disappointment will more than likely be short lived - as an adult she has the right to make her own decisions, they have the right to disagree but there's very little they can actually do about it.

I would ask you to consider this - - - if she choses you over the support of her family, make sure you feel that you can be there to help pick up the pieces.

[sadness]

Thanks for the welcome and the reply Jslaughter.

Well we have talked about her coming to live with me - but i think thats just out of the picture. She does need the support financially from her parents but it's not the money she worries about, she is just worried about her father never forgiving her. If you were in her shoes would you choose love over family?

[jslaughter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadness

If you were in her shoes would you choose love over family?

I did choose love, but not over family over money. I was in college and my parents were paying my way. They told me that if I continued dating my boyfriend they could not support "my lifestyle."

I had to get a full time job to support my education and there was plenty of time when I was on day 3 of eating Ramen Noodles when I would think that if Mom and Dad were paying the bills I could be eating in the cafeteria. (Yes, those are the bad days when you miss the cafeteria!)

However, that's why I said you really need to consider if you are going to be there to help her pick up the pieces . . .my guy, he didn't. Having to deal with a girlfriend who worked full time and went to school full time was more than he could take . . .he broke up with me.

However, with that said I have no regrets. My parents and I are closer now than we were, and recently my Dad told me that while he would have had me do this differently - he recognizes that I am a success and he is proud of me. However, when I have a boyfriend who doesn't have a background that they feel is up to par - they always let me know and I always thank them for their opinion and do what I want anyway.

[sadness]

Thanks again for the reply, its so lonely having no one to talk to this stuff about.

I would definately be there to pick up the peices for her, financially and emotionally- no doubt at all. During a phone call today, she told me that she felt like she was alone and that she thought that the decision would be made together. I just don't know how i am going to contribute fairly in such a decision- my only wish would be to stay with her, i know its selfish. What do you think i should do? I hate being on the back foot knowing that i can't do anything. I've never cried so much in my life-i feel the end coming

[jslaughter]

Can I ask how old you and your girlfriend are?

[Ratfish256]

There is a song that pretty much sums up your situation. "I think were alone now" by Tommy James and the Shondells. Sorry I can't offer any advice, but maybe the song will cheer you up. I hope it all turns out for the best.

[sadness]

Hey Js-

I'm 20 and shes 19

Ratfish - i'll get the song, thanks

[jslaughter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadness

I'm 20 and shes 19

Hmm, that's a tough place to be. If she's in college, she's probably near the beginning . . .

I would recommend that you tell her that you love and don't want to lose her BUT you support whatever decision she has to make as ultimately she will be make some huge sacrifices. Make sure she knows you support her decision - that's very important.

I wish you the best!

[sadness]

Thats actually the problem at the moment.

A few weeks ago, her dad gave her a lecture about not getting close to me and making sure she told me that we could only be friends. This was sparked by me having a surprise birthday for her.

Anyway, i told her that i would support whatever decision she wanted and she was certain that she could not get her dads forgivness and so i told her that if breaking up was the only solution i would support her and i would understand. So we did break up, but then the same day we couldn't live with it so we got back together and now we just feel like we have to deal with the issue. She tells me that i was not supportive of her because i'm making her choose alone and that i could not have been supportive last time if i actually wanted her to choose us

JS- if you were living with your parents, what do you think they would have done if you chose some guy that they did not approve of?

Thanks again

[jslaughter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadness

if you were living with your parents, what do you think they would have done if you chose some guy that they did not approve of?

Actually, when I was in high school I had a very close guy friend who my parents stricly disapproved of . . .we never crossed that line but they worried about it and lectured about it often. Funny, we're still friends.

I'm not sure what I would've done - - but I know my parents they would've made my life as difficult as possible for us to be together.

However, let me offer some hope. After my head strong rebellion - my younger sister came up behind me and she dated several men my parents didn't like but they were always very careful lest she too rebel and get "off track."

[Ratfish256]

This may sound a bit harsh, but if her perants really loved her they would support her if she stayed with you. The second my family tries to control who my friends are is the second I leave.

[jslaughter]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ratfish256

This may sound a bit harsh, but if her perants really loved her they would support her if she stayed with you. The second my family tries to control who my friends are is the second I leave.

In the case of my family - my parents really wanted the best for me and they feel that the only way for me to have that is to walk the path they chose. They have grown up alot since then.