help - Love Forum

zas · #1 (**permalink**) 10-08-04, 05:22 AM

ok, this guy im sort of seeing, im sposed to be waiting for him to be in a stable state of mind etc before we can get together.
he is on holiday in spain, and sent me a txt saying he might be moving there. am i right to be really upset about this?
i txt back saying "well what about me waiting for u to get better, how would u feel if i suddenly said i was moving to spain" and he replied saying "well if u really liked it i'd be well happy for you"
maybe he's just dreaming, cos he's having a good time, but he doesnt seem to have considered me in any of this, what the hell do i do?

jslaughter · #2 (**permalink**) 10-08-04, 05:33 AM

I would say that he's sending you a pretty clear signal that you need to move on. Stop waiting for him - if he comes around and you happen to be available that's great if not . . .HIS loss.

zas · #3 (**permalink**) 10-08-04, 06:27 AM

i dont see how that is a clear signal for me to move on?

jslaughter · #4 (**permalink**) 10-08-04, 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zas

ok, this guy im sort of seeing, im sposed to be waiting for him to be in a stable state of mind etc before we can get together.

Okay there's a problem with this concept all together - it's one thing to see other people casually but does this guy really expect you to sit on a shelf and wait for him to be ready?

Quote:

Originally Posted by zas

i txt back saying "well what about me waiting for u to get better, how would u feel if i suddenly said i was moving to spain" and he replied saying "well if u really liked it i'd be well happy for you"

Notice he did not address YOUR relationship in his response, he did not address YOUR feelings - he addressed what he is interested in which is having a good time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zas

he doesnt seem to have considered me in any of this

Because he DIDN'T consider you in any of this - why would he? He's got you waiting for him to be ready for you, that's a pretty selfish act right there, so why worry about you NOW?

Quote:

Originally Posted by zas

What the hell do i do?

I told you what I thought you should do - go out and open yourself to the POSSIBILITY of seeing someone else. You will either meet someone that WILL consider your feelings or Mr.Indecisive will realize that he's going to lose you if he doesn't start considering you.

nomas · #5 (**permalink**) 10-08-04, 06:39 AM

I also think that he's breaking it off..whatever "it" was. You say you were only "sorta seeing" him. It seems you were pretty hopeful for the possibility of something deeper with this guys, I think otherwise you would probably see it like jslaughter and myself. But I think you would like for it to work out so this is not what you want to hear. I say, try to get in the mind frame that he doesn't value the possibility for the relationship as much as you did and open up to any other possibilities that may come about.

Cybog · #6 (**permalink**) 10-08-04, 10:24 AM

Quote:

ok, this guy im sort of seeing, im sposed to be waiting for him to be in a stable state of mind etc before we can get together.

Im very curious exactly what this means. If its what I think it is, when a guy tells you that he is "waiting to get his head right before you two can be together", it usually translates into:

He is enjoying pussy elsewhere

Doesnt want a relationship

Doesnt want to be "tied down"

Is tired of you

Can't see the 2 of you together in the first place.

Has mental problems/issues which you havent addressed with the rest of us.

Take your pick. Chances are pretty good its any of the above, but unless you explain what this means I can't help you. If you have a psychotic man who is taking meds to breathe properly...exactly what do you see in him again?

My vote goes with jslaughter in this one, in that she is pretty much dead on with her assesment of the situation.

You, by your own words have stated that you are only "sort of" seeing this guy. The question you have to ask yourself isnt "Why does he think like this?!"

But rather, "Who cares?"

swimmingNreverie · #7 (**permalink**) 10-08-04, 10:01 PM

yep, i agree with the others.

although i am curious about the mental state thing too

blue · #8 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 12:30 AM

dont wait hes not! Go out and have some fun and do you really wantto be with somebody that isnt stable?

blue · #9 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 12:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by blue

dont wait hes not! Go out and have some fun and do you really wantto be with somebody that isnt stable?

oh by the way what he said was a cop out

zas · #10 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 02:42 AM

the mental problems he has are paranoia and depression, these are what is preventing us from starting a relationship right now, i know it may be a hard concept for people to grasp, but i REALLY, REALLY am NOT interested in seeing other people, not even casually. I know he is being an asshole right now and saying he wants to move to spain, but he was like "oh we could have a long distance relationship" and i made it clear that was not what i wanted.
im beginning to think that he's having a good time because he's on holiday and in a different place and doesnt want to leave.
I have asked him numerous times if this not being able to be in a relationship thing is a cop out, which he insists isnt. we did actually have a relationship for a bit to see how he would be, but he just got paranoid.
he is actually getting better, i can see it for myself, but ARGH i hate it that he's saying this about moving to another country!!!

zas · #11 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 02:44 AM

also, he said i could move with him, which maybe means he doesnt want to call it all off, but of course i said that it was a stupid idea and that i have a life here.

jslaughter · #12 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 04:21 AM

FASCINATING

If you want a relationship better make it clear that anything less in unacceptable or clearly he will jerk you along as long as you let him - and why shouldn't he? You are letting him have his cake and eat it too. He can go out and do whatever he wants and when he wants you - there you are waiting for him.

I'm not trying to be harsh - really I'm not, but you are creating a situation that will later make for an off balance relationship. Do you not think you deserve someone that will think you are worth considering in future plans? You will always be the person willing to sit and wait for him and therefore he will always take you for granted.

nomas · #13 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 05:14 AM

Man! jslaughter is always saying exactly what's on my mind. With js and Cybog posting around, I'm just a repeater. I guess my place is to sit on the bench and only step in when they get injured.

zas · #14 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 05:35 AM

so you're saying i should say now or never, even taking his problems into account? i know you're right, but i dont wanna loose him

nomas · #15 (**permalink**) 11-08-04, 07:32 AM

I wonder how common this is. This not wanting to let go. This undying hope that things will get resolved and work out. That at any moment the other person will see it your way.

Hope is the last thing that dies. I too constantly have platonic loves that I wish would be a reality, but at the same time I'm practical that while they may remain remotely possible, they are probably not likely. Hope can stay with me, but I'm not sitting and waiting. Nothing like another romantic interest to get you over the previous one.

That's all I mean by remaining open to other possibilities. Get yourself out there, if romance is important to you. You cannot stay at home waiting, you have to be proactive to increase your chances.