can a leopard really not change his spots - Love Forum

Kelly1 · #1 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 04:16 PM

hi guys, i posted a while back about a prob i had, basically i met a really cute guy years ago and we were kind of together, then he decided from one day to the next that we were never together and probably would never be, then a whole lot of crap happened between us, it turned out to be like a game to see who can get back at the other first. then we had no contact for about a year, and march we started seeing each other again, even though it was just a fling. the thing is he reckons he has now realised that he misses me, and i know that all this time and after everything we have actually put each other through, that i will always kinda really like him, i just don't honestly believe in what he says, i think that if back then he couldn't imagine the 2 of us, then why should he now, i know people grow up and then realise stuff, but i just don't think that he could be serious. I told him i didn't want to start up a fling again because i am always the one left crushed after because i could never win him back. He reckons there is a reason why he always keeps coming back, i told him the reason was sex, he said it wasn't, i told him to find out the reason and then let me know. I just know this guy too well, when he does have a girlfriend it never lasts because he gets bored, he always finds another girl, always. I know that i have told guys in the past that we would never be because i couldn't imagine it, and i can't imagine me ever telling these guys that i was wrong back then, because if i can't imagine having a relationship with someone, then i just can't and i don't think i could at a later date. Of course at one point in life we all wonder where we are going and what maybe went wrong, but then why go back to an old fling? i just don't get it. He reckons he has changed as he actually got played in his last relationship and now knows how i must have felt all those times he said he could never be with me. I try not to actually go in too deep because of all my feelings for him, but he gets me everytime. and this time i said i am keeping rid of him because i just don't want to be his bed hopping mate. can a leopard change his spots???????

loveadmin · #2 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 04:58 PM

Kelly1, you going be play out by him again if you choose to stay with him again. He just need sex. Any man can say any sweet words in order to achieve his goal. I can bet with you, once he satisfy himself, you are going just be his backup. You are like a toy to him after all. A sex toy. Think twice. There's REALLY lot of guys around you that are much better. Don't just restrict yourself to a small group of friends. Open up. You can get a much better and honest boyfriend.

nebulachich · #3 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 08:52 PM

He reckons there is a reason why he always keeps coming back, i told him the reason was sex, he said it wasn't, i told him to find out the reason and then let me know. I think this was an excellent thign to say to him!!

I've been down this road! One way to clear the air.. is to stop having sex with him. I did this recently and it made the guy think twice. I always invited him to stay the night when we would hang out but didn't one night a few weeks ago. He kept making excuses to extend the evening and I wouldn't give in and ask him to stay. He was shocked! But you know what? He called 2 days later to see me again (something he hasn't done since we started dating again a few months ago - he would only ask to see me once a week usually). Then he called me very soon again.. and expressed that he was missing me even! Heh!

I think it's all about keeping balance and being centered within yourself and not letting the other person walk on you that keeps the flames of a relationship going well. Take back your power!!! If you dont feel comfortable or happy about a situation - DON"T ACCEPT IT!!!! Have respect for yourself!!

Kelly1 · #4 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 09:16 PM

hi, yeah, thats what i am doing now, not because i want to take power, but just because i can't let myself be crushed by him again and again. somewhere down the line it has to stop, and this is what i have said to him. the thing was he didn't realise i felt so strongly about him, and this has made him think about having a proper relationship. I think the poor guy is confused at the moment. yesterday he said he needed me to tell him what i wanted, and i told him i didn't want to be used, pushed away and replaced with other girls. i am just afraid that if he does want a relationship 1. he is in the navy and we would only see each other mostly every 14 days, thats not a problem for me, i knew this before and it wasn't a problem and he was pretty impressed because other girls had a big problem with it. and 2. do i have the energy to put in to something that might not go anywhere, and the fact that he might just be saying this to get me into bed just because i said i wouldn't anymore.??

I have given into him so many times, not because i didn't want to though, i did back then, i thought i was strong enough to just forget about him after, but i never was, and i can't put myself through it again and again just so he can have his fun for a few minutes. the thing is i might just know him too well.

sfalexi · #5 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 09:57 PM

Quote:

I've been down this road! One way to clear the air.. is to stop having sex with him. I did this recently and it made the guy think twice. I always invited him to stay the night when we would hang out but didn't one night a few weeks ago. He kept making excuses to extend the evening and I wouldn't give in and ask him to stay. He was shocked! But you know what? He called 2 days later to see me again (something he hasn't done since we started dating again a few months ago - he would only ask to see me once a week usually). Then he called me very soon again.. and expressed that he was missing me even! Heh!

He's not missing you, he's missing the sex. And he figures the more he hangs out with you, the sooner it'll start back up again. Sorry.

And to Kelly, I think a leopard might be able to change his spots. But not all at once. Not overnight. And depending on his age (which I'm judging to be early twenties), probably not for a WHILE. Especially if he seems to get girls easily, it's much easier and satisfying for him to continue doing what he's doing than to "all of a sudden" change and become a better man. Especially if it means he'll have to give up lots of sex with different women (which judging by what you told us about him it seems he really enjoys).

Not to mention, it doesn't seem like you hold any real sentimental value to him. Sorry. Seems to me like he's using the usual, "I've changed. I swear. I'm NOT just using you for sex. . . " lines that he's probably used on girls before.

I'd chaulk it up as a loss and go find someone more worthy.

Rod Steele

Kelly1 · #6 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 10:30 PM

Not to mention, it doesn't seem like you hold any real sentimental value to him. Sorry. Seems to me like he's using the usual, "I've changed. I swear. I'm NOT just using you for sex. . . " lines that he's probably used on girls before.

no. i do really care about him... thats why it is so hard for me. he keeps asking how i imagine it to be, but i can't tell him, i mean, i can't tell what the future holds, and i am not even saying we have to be together like tomorrow, we would have to try and get to know each other as a couple first and then see if it really works out, i would be scared that i would be trying to work at something he doesn't even believe in in the first place.

yeah we are both in our early 20s, and you know.....boys will be boys!

sfalexi · #7 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 10:44 PM

Just to clarify, I didn't say that you didn't care about him. I said that he probably doesn't really care that much about you.

IF (and notice that capitolization making that a BIG 'if'), you guys do decide to get to know each other as a couple, and he spends lots of time with you going out and having fun, then maybe that's showing that he's trying to put effort into a relationship. Keep in mind though that during this "getting to know each other" you'll have to withhold sex and sexual contact in order to know FOR SURE if he's really trying to get to know YOU. Cause if you decide to get 'back together' and are going out all the time and having sex, etc., you'll be thinking, "Awesome. He really cares about me" and he'll be thinking, "Awesome. I have a ****-buddy."

So if you ARE going to try to get back together, do it smartly. He really hasn't give you much reason to think that he's genuine so either make sure you know it this time or risk another heartache when he gets bored again.

Rod Steele

Kelly1 · #8 (**permalink**) 27-08-04, 10:49 PM

thanks, i think i will just forget it with him. he has just broke my heart without realising too many times. everytime we start up again i get the feeling he really cares, and then he just drops me like a sack of potatoes. i can't handle it again, and maybe i have just set my heart upon him because he treats me like that. treat em mean keep em kean, and it works!

Kelly1 · #9 (**permalink**) 31-08-04, 05:28 PM

ok, so he reckons he has really changed, from what i have heard from him, he seems to, even the way he is towards me is different, we want to try an get to know each other again from fresh, he says he really cares about me, in the past week i have thought twice that he is an idiot and that he hasn't changed, then straight away he said something that just put a smile back on my face and showed me he is different. maybe he is only doing it for the sex, but i suppose i will have to find out the hard way! I do know though that it will be hard, i just do have so many feelings for him..... it might hurt me more not to be with him this way.?

sfalexi · #10 (**permalink**) 31-08-04, 09:24 PM

So much for withholding sex to be sure that he truly wants to get to know YOU. Man. Sometimes I think girls will just never learn.

Kelly1 · #11 (**permalink**) 31-08-04, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sfalexi

So much for withholding sex to be sure that he truly wants to get to know YOU. Man. Sometimes I think girls will just never learn.

i haven't slept with him for ages, i just meant, maybe he ist doing it for the sex that is sure to come???

sfalexi · #12 (**permalink**) 31-08-04, 10:28 PM

That's the thing. You have to make it explicitly clear that he won't be getting it any time soon. If he starts asking "when?" that's a bad sign. If he says that's ok, then go ahead and go along with it. But hold off for as long as you think you need in order to prove that he's interested in you as a person.

Rod Steele

cbee · #13 (**permalink**) 02-09-04, 01:38 PM

I think everything that needs to be said has been said.

Having "been there done that got the T-shirt" (more than once fool that I am!) I firmly believe that although a leopard can change his spots it won't be with someone who he's already dumped on. It turns into too much of a routine.

No matter what you think or how detached you try to be you ARE going to start caring about him again, and get hurt, again.

So in short: don't get involved, move on!