Hi guys and gals,
Hoping some of you might be able to shed some much-needed illuminating advice on my predicament.
2.5 years ago I got together with a wonderful man, who explained that he was giving up his job, to strike out as a freelance graphic designer. Therefore he warned me he was living at home with his parents for the time being, and would be for about another year. Fine - I admired his guts in changing careers. I found it a bit odd doing the whole parental homestead thing in my late twenties, but his parents are lovely, so I reasoned a year wasn't the end of the world.
However, it has since transpired that he has never actually moved out, save a brief interlude at university and travelling, and 2.5 years later, he is still at home. At the start of last year he said he'd definitely move out in 2009. By November I started vocalising my fears it still hadn't happened. He then promised me Jan 2010.Which hasn't materialised. Then, after a hell of a row, he promised March 2010. Now he's saying that won't happen either, despite me saying that this could be a make / break promise for him to keep.
The problem isn't money. He is guaranteed to earn at least 30K this year - probably more. He has now started paying them £200 rent, up until now he paid nothing, but now thinks that that helps them out financially, so is using that as an excuse to stay. I've tried explaining that that probably just covers his food (he works from home, so eats there all day long), but he has no idea that groceries mount up so much, or how much heating / water / council tax is.
He spends the money he saves living at home on very expensive holidays (eg. 2K a pop) and the latest gadgets. His mum still works full time even though she's of retirement age, and I'm beginning to lose respect for the way he takes advantage of their generosity.
On top of that, he makes his own food, but doesn't help with any other household chores - zero. His mum even does his clothes washing. He seems to want to turn a blind eye to the fact his mum does so much and he so little. His argument is always 'I don't eat that much and I always wipe down the kitchen / bath after using'.
I would never normally resort to such heavy-handed tactics, but I have tried softly-gently (for the first two years) and it just doesn't work. I don't want to lose him, but I'm beginning to lose sight of us having a future together. I'm 30 now and I want a future husband and mature partner. He's funny, kind and amazing in every other way, but doesn't seem to feel any need to be independent or pay his own way, which I find it hard to respect. My fear is a) he'll drag his heels for another few years and b) I'll become his substitute mother if / when we do eventually move in together and make a commitment.
I am not ready to move in with him yet nor does he feel ready to move in with me - just to clear that up. One big reason for this is because I don't want to have to be the one who shows him how to work a washing machine or make a bed or hoover. I'd rather he get 'house-trained' by other housemates before me! As all I can forsee from that situation is arguments. The second big reason is that I'm living with a best friend who has just lost her boyfriend and needs me for at least a year to get through this really tough time.
Anyway, I guess my two questions are:
1. Is this guy a hopeless case and should I move on now rather than hang around?
2. Anyone any ideas on how to motivate him to move out? I've tried everything I can think of and would really appreciate any insight at all!
Thanks a million guys,