how to be friends while waiting - Love Forum

jfett85 · #1 (**permalink**) 09-09-04, 12:26 AM

Ok, so I've been in college about a month now. First day here I met this really great girl and we've seen each other every day. It's been getting more and more serious, though nothing was really discussed. It was all just kind of happening. Then I messed it all up.

This past weekend things were getting pretty heavy (though we both know that sex is out of the question). I, being the type of guy who thinks very little before he speaks sometimes, told her that I love her. It's not that I'm lying or anything, I really do love her. But she didn't exactly say it back. What she said was "I can't say that yet". Not exactly the response I was hoping for

.

We talked a little that night and have exchanged letters, emails, and some actual dialogue over the past couple days. Apparently she was in a relationship for a year that ended that day before she came to school, which is also the day before we met. I don't know why she didn't tell me this before, but there were some signs that I know realize I definitely should have noticed. But that's beside the point.

She says that she really does like me (and has said so multiple times), she just can't handle a relationship right now. So here's my question. How do I step back and be just friends with her for the next month or two while she get's over that last guy and gets ready to be serious with me? How do I be around her with both of us knowing in the back of our minds the way I feel? I hate hiding my emotions but I'm horrendously afraid of losing her. If there's anything you guys can think of that will help I will be forever in your debt. lol. Thanks in advance.

sfalexi · #2 (**permalink**) 09-09-04, 01:04 AM

Well, for one thing, DON'T SAY THAT AGAIN!!!!! Wait until she says it to you. That way you KNOW you won't be scaring her off.

Secondly, simply be flirtatious while you're hanging out with her, but don't make any moves. None. When you leave, smile and wave goodbye. Don't go in for the kiss. It'll drive her nuts and you'll be on her mind THAT much more. Especially since you did get hot and heavy that one night. If she brings up, "Why don't you kiss or hug me good bye or stuff?" Tell her, "I'm just waiting until you're ready." You'll come off as the gentleman, and basically just wait until she gives you the ok to do these things. Which since she'll be missing them, shouldn't be too long. Make sure every time you hang out you are always in a good mood (or at least pretend to be) so whenever she thinks of you, she CAN'T remember a time when you've been moody or in any way unpleasant cause that'll keep her decision hanging in the air. (example: Yeah he's nice, but what happened that one day when he was all pissed off at something and wouldn't even talk to me for the entire time we hung out? I don't know if I wanna get into a relationship with THAT . . . .)

But don't center your world around her. Go out with friends and have a good time. And if you see some other girl that interests you, you may as well ask her out. Two reasons for this one.

1) The first girl at this point is kinda stringing you along. She's your 'friend' until SHE decides the time is right? I personally think that's a crappy way to lead life. Waiting and passing up what could be a great relationship cause of a girl that just isn't ready yet (and may a few MONTHS down the road decide that she doesn't want to even try with you.) Then you'll kick yourself in the ass for not asking that other girl out when you see her walking around campus hanging onto the arm of some OTHER dude. If you were officially together with this first girl, then no. But you're nowhere CLOSE to it.

2) Even if you have that fear of rejection, what do you care if this random girl says no? You have one on the back-burner so even if you DO get rejected, you won't feel as bad because although maybe you didn't get that date for Friday night, you already have one lined up for Saturday regardless of what her answer would have been.

Optimal situation would be for you to be hanging out with that one girl and another one or two at the same time. Nothing serious that you can get 'caught' with with any of the other ones, but since you're not in an exclusive relationship (or ANY kind of relationship) with any of them, you're just kinda getting a feel for these different girls. That'll help you pick out whichever one you feel your most compatible with. Then you can start a relationship with THAT one.

That sound about right, MVP?

Rod Steele

KirstyM · #3 (**permalink**) 09-09-04, 06:35 PM

I pretty much agree with you, except I wouldnt go around asking other girls out until I was sure the original girl was not interested. Like the example you described about him getting pissed off infront of her, it'll be the same if she knows he's been asking others out, she might think he says the sort of stuff he said to her to everyone and that she isnt as important to him as he made out, or that if he's asking other girls out already does she really want to get involved with a guy who cant even wait a month for her? Yeah the situation kind of sucks because the ball is totally in her court but he obviously thinks she is worth it.

shivadee · #4 (**permalink**) 09-09-04, 07:01 PM

true. I think it all depends how much you like the girl. If you are willing to stick it out and think its worth the wait then go for it. If not, well you can move on and still be her friend as she likes.

KirstyM · #5 (**permalink**) 09-09-04, 07:27 PM

Yeah...I think it's pretty clear she's interested and good for her for taking the time out to get over this guy - surely that shows she's serious and doesnt want this to be a rebound thing. He obv likes her in return so why ask other girls out, what's the point, it's likely to put her off...

jfett85 · #6 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 12:52 AM

Quote:

she's serious and doesnt want this to be a rebound thing

Ya know Kristy, I never thought it about that way. Definitely an interesting angle and makes me feel better about the whole thing. Thanx.

On another note - there's still one thing that keeps creeping into my mind. I'm sure all of you are going to say that I'm just being paranoid and need to loosen up and just trust her. But I know she hangs out with a lot of guys and I'm worried that sometime is going to happen. I'm especially worried that she'll be at a party and not really think about her actions. I don't think I should say anything to her about that though because then she won't think I trust her and I'm being too "clingy". I dont know, just a thought.

autobahn · #7 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 01:35 AM

I'm going to give my humble opinion and I do say this with respect:

but having graduated college, I've observed that many relationships that begin during freshman year last a couple of weeks, not months, though there are numerous exceptions. People want to explore their options and just become friends with as many people as possible. You should do the same. Don't even worry about dating your first few months: just make friends. This woman may come around, but I would advise you to distance yourself and your aspirations. If the two of you are at different places emotionally, you are unlikely to meet in the middle and be together. That said, there is hope. Be her friend. Something may happen in the future, or you may have a bright friendship for years.

Not to disrespect you: but you do not love her. Love can happen hard and fast, but real love is what remains after the infatuation/lust/honeymoon phase. Nearly every person learns this at some point the hard way. I hope you don't have to.

Best of luck with this women.

PickupMan · #8 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 04:27 AM

heres my deal with all of this, i did exactly this same thing. It did not work out for me. She told me the same thing, that she was not rdy...... couple months went by, then we started to get serious... Guess what happend next. The ex came back into the picture and she dropped me like a bad habit.. I say forget about her, if its meant to be it will happen. Make her persue u for a change. Women love a challenge, if they know they can have u they will keep you hangin unless there really interested in u. Im not woman hating but from personal exp. u just have to move on be her friend but dont pass up chances to go on dates with other people. Trust me if shes worth anything she will be ready alot sooner. Right now she has a grip on u, she knows your waiting so she will sulk for a lot longer knowing your on the back burner for her... U being used as a security blanket. Stand up and reject that. Wait without waiting. Good luck your gonna need it.

PandaCivic · #9 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 05:00 AM

at least she knows now how you feel about her. now she's got you all wrapped up on her pinky finger. just pretend you never said it and never say it again. just show her from time to time. and if that don't work, kick her in the stomach. J/K! but seriously, find out why she's saying that to you. sounds like she's confused about something.

KirstyM · #10 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 08:24 AM

She doesnt sound confused at all, she sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing, and contrary to what some of you are saying, I think she's going out of her way to make sure she DOESNT use jfett85, as I was saying about the rebound thing.

KirstyM · #11 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jfett85

On another note - there's still one thing that keeps creeping into my mind. I'm sure all of you are going to say that I'm just being paranoid and need to loosen up and just trust her. But I know she hangs out with a lot of guys and I'm worried that sometime is going to happen. I'm especially worried that she'll be at a party and not really think about her actions. I don't think I should say anything to her about that though because then she won't think I trust her and I'm being too "clingy". I dont know, just a thought.

It's only natural to feel like that but try not to let it get to you. If it works out in the end then she will most likely notice this and appreciate you for trusting her. If it doesnt work out - well, you can learn from this experience.

PickupMan · #12 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 08:58 AM

spoken by a true female? she does know what she doing she is keeping her ace in the whole, her security blanket. She wont take the plunge with him until she thinks he wont be there anymore.

PickupMan · #13 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 08:59 AM

sry no offence Kristy

KirstyM · #14 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 09:27 AM

Well youre right, I am female therefore I know what I am talking about!

PickupMan · #15 (**permalink**) 10-09-04, 06:48 PM

ohhhhh now you gone and done it....

hehe i like u, u dont take crap.... marry me.

women are not always right ya know? We just let you think u are..