my boyfriend says he loves me but wants to date another girl

[jhenah]

:cry: Hi Im new here, I was just looking for a good place to try to get some opinions on my current problem. Im very upset and confused. My boyfriend has started to see another girl. I have been dating him for over a year now, and have fallen deeply in love with him, and he told me over the summer that he has fallen in love with me. Now, if at the beginning of our relationship, he was seeing other girls as well as me, I wouldnt have been upset, but now that I am in love with him and he says that he is in love with me, this is really upsetting, and I dont know what to make of it. He keeps reassuring me that he loves me and isnt going to leave me, but still wants to see this other girl. I have always trusted him, much more than I have ever trusted any previous boyfriend, so I believe him - but dont understand it. I wish that I would be enough for him. Can anyone explain this behavior to me? I told him, if you are not in love with me, just tell me, and he gets all defensive, "of course I love you, and would tell you if I wasnt! I have no intentions of leaving you"! I dont know what to do. I love him so much, this hurts terribly, and I have been having bad dreams about him leaving me. I am not someone with low self esteem or low self worth, I am a PhD student, have my own life, etc. etc. Im not dependant on him, but at the same time I am not willing to break up with him because of this, I just want to understand what in the world he is thinking and what his motivations and feeling are. I had thought that because he was in love with me, he wouldnt want to see anyone else. this hurts. :cry:

[Killerbabe]

That's just so tragic, I wish I could explain his attitude towards you, but I have no idea what it is.
But my advice to you is this:
Get to know the girl through other sources (don't let him know that you know her)(and of course don't let HER know you're dating the guy). Examine her carefully: her looks, her attitude, in a word try to see her in HIS eyes. What is it that he liked in her? Of course you could start criticizing her and say, she's not worth him< and everything, but try not to do so. Look at her - is it her hair? Is it her sexy voice? is it her character? What's so special about her? I'm sure that afetr awhile you will start to notice some things. Guess what you should do now? Right, learn from her.

I hope this helps a little (of course if you would want to follow my advice). Actually, this is an article I read in Cosmopolitan couple moths ago
Hope things will work out for you.

[jhenah]

Hi, thank you for your thoughts. I have e-mailed a friend of mine to see if he knows this girl and what he thinks of her. My boyfriend is into LARPing (live action role playing games) and met her through that, and since I am not into that, I wouldnt have a chance to meet her except if she shows up to a party that I happen to be at as well. That very well could be what he sees in her that I dont have: being into LARP. He has a very tight circle of friends, and the ones I have met are wonderful. But when they start talking about their gaming events, I cant participate in the conversations, this is probably exactly what he sees in her, a girl who he likes who also participates in something that he participates in, and that they can talk about. I hadnt seen this before! But still, I dont understand why he cant just be FRIENDS with her. *sigh*

[corewarp]

This is the most stupid and selfhating thing I've ever read. His love for you shouldn't be based on something you're not -- or tought yourself to be for him, it should be about respecting eachother as different indivuals. If you dont respect yourself, who will?

What you should do, is confront him with your thoughts. If he still wants do date other girls, well, its his loss.

corewarp

[Killerbabe]

Hmm...I see your point. My ex was (still is into an organization (throught which we met!) I also attend but he's one of the leaders, and they have a leaders' meeting every week, and they're all friends. We are wonderful friends, and i wouldn't say that the fact that I'm not into his group of people affected our relationship too much, but I can relate to how you feel...I too, felt pretty suspicious about some people :0)

Well...maybe you should ask him to tell you more about his hobby (since it is such an integral part of his life!) and perhaps even attend their meetings or whatever. Ask him to teach you some neat stuff... I'm quite sure he'll be excited to tell you more about it.
However, if you have no time or whatsoever, or simply do not want to interfere with it, don't feel too bad. Just the fact that you've dated him for 1 year without participating in LARPing proves that it's not too important for him...

P.S. - Does that girl know that you guys are dating?! I doubt that she'd be too excited about it...