Need some advice **warning kinda long** - Love Forum

Focused · #1 (**permalink**) 05-10-04, 03:55 AM

Ok let me start off by saying that I am a 22 year old male who hasn't been in a relationship in about 2 years. Been on a few dates, but just haven't found anyone I really clicked with. Anyway, about 2 months ago I met this girl off yahoo personals site (yes I know kinda pathetic, but I'm getting desperate to find someone). We talked via instant messager and e-mail for about a week or two and then on the phone before meeting up. We met up and she is very attractive and fits my type to a tea. We started talking on the phone after that nearly every night for sometimes a hour or more. She is smart, attractive, hard working, responsible, seems to be honest with me, and everything I look for in a girl. After our 3rd date was coming to an end we were just standing there talking and she was kind of hitting me playfully and we ended up holding each others hands. That was the closest we have gotten up to that point and I'm not really sure how it happened, like who made the move. I came home feeling really good and kind of wanted to know how she was feeling about us. I talked to her that night online and told her that I had a great time and aksed her what she thought about making us "official". She told me that she "had feelings for me, but wanted to take it slow". So I can understand that because before me she had gotten out of her longest relationship (9 months) which sounded pretty serious. Well, we are both busy with work and school so that was the last time we have been able to meet up. About a week ago I noticed that we didn't talk on the phone nearly as much and as long as we use to. We would talk on the phone maybe twice a week for 10 minutes tops maybe. It had been 2 weeks since we last met up and she wasn't even online anymore. So I e-mailed her and asked her what was up. She replied back and said she was sorry, but she had been very busy lately. She said she wasn't online because of a computer virus, which is true because I remember her telling me about that earlier when we were talking more frequently. She said that she wants to hang out with me again, but her parents want to meet me first before we go out again. She said "I do like you, but at this point in my life I don't want any thing serious". After that e-mail we are now back to talking nearly every night for a few.

My question is what do you think is up with her? She said she doesn't use people and I told her in the e-mail that I'm not about to be used. Is she not feeling me and just too nice to tell me? Think she is still trying to get over her ex even though she tells me she is? I am willing to wait a little while till she is ready for something more serious because I really like her, but how long should I wait? I am finally over my exs and am ready NOW for a serious relationship. I'm ok with taking it slow and am not even looking for the physical part of the relationship (sex). I would just like to know that I am the only man in her life. It seems weird just being friends and knowing that she doesn't want anything more right now. Sorry for the looooooong post. Just trying to vent and get it all out on the table.

Mark

squirrley · #2 (**permalink**) 05-10-04, 04:49 AM

Mark~hang in there if you really like her. If she's newly single she might not be ready for another serious relationship. She needs the time for herself to heal no matter how that past relationship ended. She doesnt sound like she's playn you at all, if anything you should give her respect for being honest and forthright for telln you up front she's not ready for anything serious. You cant really say how much time a person needs, everyone is different. But the question for yourself is youre saying youre feeling desperate for a relationship, and thats not healty to start into one feeling that NEED. Maybe this is a good person to enjoy time together without having all the labels attached already. Take the time to get to know one another and then you can see how it goes. I wouldnt push her into anything, you will only alienate her.

If you feel she's a good partner for you, then give it time, she sounds like she is worth the wait. But again, take the time for yourself too. A woman can sense when a man is desperate, and she will run. Just like a man will too.

Give it some time, and I bet things will work out better than you thought!
Goodluck

Focused · #3 (**permalink**) 05-10-04, 08:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squirrley

Mark~hang in there if you really like her. If she's newly single she might not be ready for another serious relationship. She needs the time for herself to heal no matter how that past relationship ended. She doesnt sound like she's playn you at all, if anything you should give her respect for being honest and forthright for telln you up front she's not ready for anything serious. You cant really say how much time a person needs, everyone is different. But the question for yourself is youre saying youre feeling desperate for a relationship, and thats not healty to start into one feeling that NEED. Maybe this is a good person to enjoy time together without having all the labels attached already. Take the time to get to know one another and then you can see how it goes. I wouldnt push her into anything, you will only alienate her.

If you feel she's a good partner for you, then give it time, she sounds like she is worth the wait. But again, take the time for yourself too. A woman can sense when a man is desperate, and she will run. Just like a man will too.

Give it some time, and I bet things will work out better than you thought!
Goodluck

Hey, thanks for replying! Yes, I am glad that she was honest with me even though it kinda hurt. I'm not really desperate, just ready to be in a relationship again. Your right about pushing her and I am definitely not trying to do that. I guess I just have to sit back and play the "friend" role for a little while and see what happens. I think you made some very valid points and will take your advice. Thanks again for bothering to read my novel and replying.

Mark

squirrley · #4 (**permalink**) 05-10-04, 09:48 AM

Sometimes Mark, we take things in a hurtful way, or more so in a personal way, when in actuallity, theyre being honest should be the focus, Im learning that too.
Im glad you clarified youre not in that need of a relationship. Things will be ok then.

The friend status sucks when youre the one who wants more, but in the meantime youre establishing a trustful meaning relationship right under her nose, and she knows it. But its up to you on how much time youre willing to put into this girl.

Goodluck keep in touch!

Focused · #5 (**permalink**) 05-10-04, 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squirrley

Sometimes Mark, we take things in a hurtful way, or more so in a personal way, when in actuallity, theyre being honest should be the focus, Im learning that too.
Im glad you clarified youre not in that need of a relationship. Things will be ok then.

The friend status sucks when youre the one who wants more, but in the meantime youre establishing a trustful meaning relationship right under her nose, and she knows it. But its up to you on how much time youre willing to put into this girl.

Goodluck keep in touch!

Yea her honesty is one of the many things I like about her. I just got off the phone with her after talking about 30 minutes

Thanks again for all your insight. It's made me feel better about the whole thing and given me some hope.

Mark

Focused · #6 (**permalink**) 06-10-04, 10:32 PM

Anyone else have any input? I talked to her last night (about the 4th night in a row), so I guess that's good. I'm going to ask her if she wants to go to this upcoming car show with me tonight. Later!

Mark

Prodigal · #7 (**permalink**) 06-10-04, 10:41 PM

I don't really think that's any problem. Sometimes, things happen, and you can't talk much for a short period of time (work issues, family, etc). And sometimes, you just need a little time by yourself, too. I wouldn't worry about not talking as much... as long as you know that you both enjoy talking to each other and you still meet up and whatnot. It seems like she still wants to talk with you, considering you talked for the fourth night in a row. I'd say you take her advice. Take it slow. You can't hurry it up if she doesn't want it to speed up. Maybe it seems like she doesn't like you, but maybe she's just trying to take it slow.