Getting Used (?) & What to do

[CalGal]

I appreciate all advice and suggestions; so, please read my problematic situation and voice your opinion!

My situation:
I moved to a new area and started grad school. Four months before moving here, I met a fellow grad student—let’s call him Ryan. Ryan and I kept in touch; he even sent me hand written letters every week. Then I came to school. We went out to eat a couple times, out for drinks, watched movies, etc. I helped him out when he got sick. I even got to meet his family. And yes, we did “mess around.” At the beginning he was an above-and-beyond gentleman, which was a sign that he was too good to be true.

During all of this, he referred to me as his friend and later told me that he could not have a “girlfriend” until the end of the semester and recruiting season. (We go to a top 5 school and life is challenging without considering personal issues.) But he told me that he did not even kiss or want to kiss another girl on campus, even though he knew that I had done so with other guys. Still, when he said this, I knew he was not into me and thus I needed to back away from this misguided “friendship.” However, he kept treating me better than a friend and one night I did get really drunk and we ended up having sex. Since then, I think the only reason he calls me is because he is horny. He has called past 3 in the morning a couple times. Once he called in the middle of the afternoon asking if we should get together and make each other tired before taking a nap. Lastly, he told me that he had another friend from home (a girl). She has come to visit and stay over at his place. (I would never intervene with this relationship; however, if I was this girl, I would want to know what this guy does behind her back.)

I have told him that I although it would be fun to just have a “sex buddy” and sometimes I wish I could be a person that likes that, I am not and do not want to be. I have turned him down on his offers. His response—he keeps calling (and expecting things) or says “You cannot redraw a line that you drew once.” I am not going to fold into such outrageous behavior and comments. However, I do have to see this guy every day; our friends are mutual friends; and I do want to feel better about myself. It makes me sick that I allowed myself to get used like this, create these types of expectations, not get the response I wanted, and not be able to completely move on.

How can I change these things?

[sweet200]

Hi,
with every single line that I read from your post I was amazed at the similarity of my situation and yours. For me the guy had been a good friend (or so I thought) for 1 semester. He was really sweet and he'd call and say he just needed my company at dinner heck I even used to take him to the barber shop. It just seemed the perfect friendship till he had to go home and came back after 2 months. Then on his 1st night back he kissed me and well the dynamics of our friendship changed forever....then he confessed he'd wanted to do that all along since the previous semester(hence my conclusion he hadn't really been a friend just waiting for an opportunity). All the same I did agree to sleep with him coz it's been like forever for me (im abroad). However the night it happened I saw a totally different side of him i never got to see as his buddy.......he's just a womanizing pig. So before I left i made sure to tell him it was a night thing for me and i never wanted it to happen again. He keeps pestering me but I blantantly told him off the other day (gee can't believe I said i dont believe in **** and run...but seems I drove my point home). So in your case this might be the only way to go. Don't care about ur friendship coz I don't think this guy was a true friend from the word go......what the hell does he mean redrawing lines.....tell him it's time he realized it's ur body and u have the exclusive rights to decide what u want for urself. He's only trying to guilt trip u. So I emphasize once again....just tell him off and don't there be any grey areas. All the best let us know what happens.

[KirstyM]

You just have to keep saying "no" until he gets the picture. Try not to do or say anything which he could misinterpret. It'll take time but he'll get the message eventually.

[CalGal]

Thank you!! But I think I need more help. I spent more alone time with him this week. I even stayed over one night...I did make him promise that we would not have sex. He respected that, which did surprise me a little. (Why did he do that? To build credibility?) I just don't know what to think about him or my own actions.

Him-- He can be very nice, respectful, gentle. But overall he is really hard to read. He would never explain his emotions. And I have no idea what he really thinks of me. He has not even said anything related to "I like you." He will give compliments--you are really athletic or your hair looks different and nice today, etc. We once tried to have the relationship talk, but that got cut short. All I know is that he told himself he would not enter a relationship until he had a job. (I think this means he just does not want one with me and this is an excuse. Still, I think I hold on to the fact that over time this may change.) I do force him to initiate things. I have yet to ask him first to do something with me. I think I covered most of the physical things...but I still get a sense that he really likes the physical aspects (who does not) but I think that he can do them with no strings attached.

Me-- I don't even know if I like him. Maybe I just like the challenge of him or the idea of him (he has many "pluses" that I have always thought I would love). Also, sometimes I think that I have a tendency to get into relationships that are emotionally damaging to me. I figure this out, but I stay in them. Why? I have no clue, but I cannot leave. Here, I think I do like him and I do obsess over things related to him. I have tried to be honest with him, but that is not working too well. I have been able to tell him that I cannot sleep with him because 1) that is not me and 2) I would start caring about him, and I cannot start caring about him. I also did tell him once that I did not expect anything from him. But deep down I know that I do.

So, what is going on? What should I do?

THANK YOU!!!

[Jenrick285]

He doesn't want a relationship.
But he wants the physical part of a relationship.
And what is it you want from this?
You do not seem you want just a slice of the pie, but you want the whole thing, good and bad, but unfortunately you're not getting it here.

I'd seriously find someone else and invest your time and efforts into and who will return them as well. Grad school is hard enough as it is, not to mention relationships shouldn't be that complicated =)

Good Luck =)