BF's mothers issue

[newbie]

Okay here is my situation in a nutshell. I am 24 and my bf is 28 and we have been together for about 7 years now. We had a very tough beginning of the relationship and things has changed a lot and now is good well except for one aspect. It’s his mother, she is really getting under my skin. I need to know if I am out of line or you if or anyone agrees with me. My bf is the only son and the first born, he lived at home until he was 26 and that is when she kicked him out. Thankfully we moved in together, it made him look at our relationship harder and more seriously. The problem is whenever we get together with her she always calls him pet names like sweetie, honey etc. It really gets under my skin. She doesn’t call her other 2 daughters that, she simply calls them by there names. His mother, lets call her Sally. She just turned 50 and is going through a divorce. Her husband was having an affair and she has known about it for about 5 years now. She never choose to change it or try to stop him. Well, she talk to my BF like he is 15 and treats him that way. I view there relationship not healthy, he needs to stand up to her and that. But I also think that he likes the attention that she gives him. The beginning of our relationship there was a lot of cheating, so I think that the attention plays a huge part in it.
Please let me know what you think about it. Do you think that I am out of line to tell him to talk to her and tell her to treat him like an adult?
All replies would be great. Thanks

[sfalexi]

Do you think that I am out of line to tell him to talk to her and tell her to treat him like an adult?

In my opinion, I do think you would be out of line with a comment like this. It's proven throughout history that the child and the parent of the opposite sex are closer in the parent/child relationship. Just think of the terms "Daddy's little girl" or being a "Momma's boy". Also, it plays very strongly into the Oedipus complex (where subconsciously a child will end up looking for a partner with similar traits as the parent of the opposite sex. Wierd, yet often true).

THAT is the reason that she uses pet names with him and not with her two daughters. They are subconsciously closer than the mother with the daughters. I see it in my family, and in every other family with kids of opposite sexes that I can think about. Think about yourself or your other friends.

Also, just the fact that they are parent/child should be enough to allow such stuff as pet names. I know I'd be freaked out if my mom started calling me by my full name every time she was talking to me. It's not normal. It's too impersonal of a name for someone like a parent to use. What do YOU call him? Do you use pet names for each other? If so, wouldn't it be wierd for you to call him by his full name anytime you needed to talk to him, "Charles, what do you want for dinner? Charles, the bath is getting cold. Charles, how about going away for the weekend?"

She may be talking to him like he's 15, but you have to realize that in HER eyes, he'll ALWAYS be her little boy. Whether he's 15, or 50. You'll understand better when (if) you decide to have a family of your own.

Alexi

[newbie]

Sorry I had to keep that last one so short; he walked into the room and questioned what I was typing. It whole situation does go a lot deeper. Whenever we would go out with her he would ignore me. Like when we went to the state fair, he kept on asking her where to go and what to see and how she was doing. He never once asked me. Then he had food left over he would offer her it. It’s not just a one time occasion. We went to the Apple Orchid and he got a cup of juice and gave it straight to her, then one for himself and then one for me. Then when it’s just him and I he always gets his own things and let me fend for myself. For his Birthday she wanted to make him dinner and have just him over. She didn’t want to include me. This was very hurtful. Then this morning we were. . Well you know. . and all of sudden the phone rings and guess who it is.. her. But he tells me to hold on and answers it. He said that he didn’t want to upset her by not answering the phone. Please let me know what you think about it all. Thanks again.

[kronos51]

Well I will agree with you that it is unhealthy for your relationship. Any time a guy is still that attached to his mother it puts a block in the way of having a healthy relationship of his own. I'm actually going to take a bit form the Bible here, it is extremely right in the analogy of a man and woman becoming one and leaving their parents. Until he is ready to let go of this childlike tie with his mother I think it will be a huge roadblock in the way.

However, I think Alexi is right in saying you cant just bring it out like that. In this kind of situation he will be extremely defensive of his mother, and I believe he cares about her more than you, so you would be the one to go first. It is up to you how you handle it in the end, but this is a problem that I do not think can be fixed by anyone but himself, or possibly a therapist .

[KirstyM]

Yeah I agree with kronos... Perhaps it may not be particularly healthy in some ways, but you know if you make an issue of it, you'll just be pushing him closer to her and further away from you. You'd probably do better just to support him and try and work around it. Ok so what if occasionally you have to fend for yourself? Yeah it's nice when he does things for you, but in these situations you just gotta be more independant and dont make it an issue. Seriously it may not be all that healthy but it's not unusual for guys to be like this and bringing it up is gonna hurt you the most, itll just emphasise a barrier between yourself and his mother. I'm sure you do already, but try and make just that extra bit of effort with his mother - no harm in getting her on your side!

[newbie]

Thank you for your replies. I do understand that if I make a big deal out of it and that it could blow up in my face. I have and been very careful about this whole issue. I haven’t said anything about this in the past, until recently. I do not want to tell him . . listen up, you either change or I am outta here. But then also I do not and cannot continue a relationship like this. We have argued about this topic many times. I do not want to force this on him, I want him to want to fix, correct it by his own will. But also a lot has to do with how she treats him. I feel out of place to tell him how she should treat her son. I think that would create a major war. What suggestions do you have that would help? What tips do you have that would help him have a more mature, adult relationship with her?
Thank you again.

[KirstyM]

Unless your boyfriend actually wants to change his relationship with his mother, there is nothing you can do.

[newbie]

He says that he wants to fix it. But saying and doing are two different things. I just wanted to see if I was the only one out there with this problem. He just tells me that it's wierd that I am requesting that things change. But then I ask him if he honestly thinks that there needs things to change with his mother and him, I asked him to tell me the truth regardless of what I said before or if it would upset me. I simply wanted the truth of how he felt and thought. He replied that he does see of how she needs to treat him like an adult.

[sfalexi]

He sounds like a real momma's boy (after reading the second post). Yeah. THat's a little TOO deep. Try to wean him off of her. Only call her/visit her once a week maybe.

[newbie]

Thank you for your reply, but when he is at work I think he calls her everyday. I do not want to tell him not to talk to her, becuase that isn't the issue. It's how they talk to each other and that. I honestly do not want to step over my boundaries and hurt anyone here.
I just wish that there was a way that I make him realize that she is an adult and can take care of herself and that he shouldn't be so concerned of her.

[sfalexi]

There's a very funny movie called "Mother" that has a guy in it with this issue. The one guy isn't close with his mother and moves back home to get to know her better, and his brother is a complete momma's boy. He calls every day, won't do anything without his mother around, and his wife gets pretty fed up. Offtopic, but a good flick.

Rod Steele

[kronos51]

I would have to say that the best you can do is wait and see if he gets over it. If he doesn't look like hes going anywhere then its probably something that you cant change and will stay a problem. It's up to you and how much you care for him whether you decide to weather it out or decide its not worth it, good luck!